by Twila

Feedback is always welcome: twila@e-scribblers.com.

Copyright © 2007 by Twila. All Rights Reserved.

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“Are you listening to me?”

I jerk in response and stare at Kara.

“Obviously not. So, let me guess,” Kara says, placing her elbow on the table and her chin in her hands. “Laurel.”

One simple word and my throat constricts, my heart pounding loud enough for even Kara to hear. I don’t respond to Kara’s comment, just stare at the tablecloth.

“Tanya, honey, when are you going to let her go?”

I look up into my best friend’s blue eyes and see the love and compassion there. I know she’s concerned about me, but I just can’t get past it. “Never.” One word whispered softly, but firmly.

Kara reaches across the table and takes my hand in hers. “You can’t live like that, honey. Laurel wouldn’t want you to.”

I jerk my hand back. “How do you know? How do you know what she’d want?” I yell, tears now streaking down my face. I wipe them away in anger.

“Tanya, honey..”

“Don’t ‘Tanya, honey’ me anymore Kara,” I spit out at her. “Not one more word about Laurel or dating or anything remotely similar or I’m leaving. Got it?” I glare at her and watch her mouth drop open in shock. I’ve never spoken to her like that before, but right now I don’t care how it affects her. I can’t take any more of her needling.

Kara throws her hands in the air in surrender. “Okay. Okay. I promise. Can we just have a peaceful lunch?”

I take a deep breath and try to calm down. My hands are shaking as I pick up the menu and I work hard at controlling them as I scan the food selections, not really hungry but knowing I have to eat.

We place our orders and Kara tries hard to change the subject to work. Before long, reluctantly, she has me smiling at the antics of her first grade students.

“Mari was so upset and I was trying so hard not to laugh, but she had lovely blue and yellow stripes in her hair from Tony’s paint brush.” Kara grins at the memory. “It took me forever to get it all out though.”

“Bet her parents weren’t happy,” I comment.

“Actually, her mom was very nice. She just said that kids would be kids and as long as no one got hurt, it didn’t bother her. She helped me finish getting the paint out of Mari’s hair and we talked for a few minutes before she had to leave. She just moved here. Widow, I think. Mari has a younger brother, but never mentions a father.”

“Doesn’t her paperwork have to state that?”

“I never looked at the original. Mine just says who’s in the family and her mom and brother are the only ones listed. Not even any other relatives around here. I wonder sometimes why she moved. Job, maybe.” Kara pauses to take a huge bite of her hamburger.

I grin at her. For a petite woman, she sure could put some food away. “I thought by now you’d have her entire life history,” I tease, knowing Kara couldn’t stand secrets. I easily catch the napkin that flies my way.

“Hush. I do not pry into my student’s files. That’s illegal,” Kara huffs at me, although after years of knowing her, I know she isn’t really mad, just annoyed from me teasing her.

“Who said anything about their files? I’m just surprised you haven’t asked her personally.”

Kara stares at me a minute, but before I could ask what that look is for, she speaks. “She reminds me a lot of you,” she says softly. “Something tells me she’s still grieving.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I could definitely empathize. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past the grieving stage.

We were quiet for a few minutes, eating and each lost in our own thoughts.

“What about dinner next Friday? You free?” Kara asks softly.

I grin, but out of pain, not fun. Yeah, I was always free now. “Yeah, what time?”

“Whenever you get off work, just come on over. Sam’s gonna grill. I thought you’d like to help her.”

I did grin at that. Sam and I had some mighty fine times with the grill. Old memories invade then, of times where Sam and I were grilling our girls some food and Laurel and Kara were sunbathing by the pool. Odd how I could still smell the food and the chlorine from the pool. I could definitely still picture Laurel stretched out on a lounge chair with a glass of tea in her hand. Her long blonde hair cascading down her shoulders, bright blue eyes the color of the pool and long legs that seemed to go on forever. My heart skips a beat and I could feel myself getting wet just from thinking about how sexy she looked in that bikini. I jump when Kara speaks.

“Are you okay?”

I can see the concern written on her face. I give her a weak smile. “Yeah, just memories.”

Kara gives me a little grin back, sort of sad looking too. “Yeah, we had some great times barbecuing, didn’t we?”

I nod, getting choked up at the thought.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

We finish lunch and head out. Kara has to get back to school for some parent-teacher conferences and I have to get back to the office. I have a client at 2:00 that I can’t reschedule.

The rest of the week flies by and before I know it, it’s Friday. I delay at work as long as I can, not sure I’m really up for grilling after all. It’s the one thing I’ve refused to do since Laurel left. Left. One simple word does not convey the emotions in it. Yeah, she left all right. Permanently. I shake off the thoughts and head to my car. The breeze feels good as I ride through town with the top down, not really caring if my hair is a mess or not. I don’t really care about those kinds of things now anyway. I haven’t had a hair cut in ages and my hair is past my shoulders now. I always kept it short for Laurel. She liked it that way: liked to run her hands through the short spikes that I wore. I shiver. I can still feel her hands on me. Again, I mentally shake myself and wonder what tonight will be like, hoping I can get through it without breaking down.

I park in front of Kara and Sam’s house and take a deep breath. You can do this. Maybe if I say it a thousand times it’ll come true. I make myself get out of the car, grab my bag and head to the door. I stare at the door a minute before ringing the doorbell.

“Hi, honey,” Kara smiles at me as she opens the door and pulls me into a hug. “I’m so glad you made it. I was afraid you’d back out again.”

I hug her back and then step out of her arms. “I almost did.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Kara steps around me and shuts the door. “Come on in. Do you want to change first?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

“You know where. It hasn’t changed.”

I nod and head down the hall to the guest room, entering and closing the door behind me. I refuse to dwell on the memories this room inspires. Laurel and I spent more than one night in this very room, making love and just being together. I quickly strip off my suit, threw it on the bed and pull on a pair of swim shorts and top. I slip into sandals, grab my towel from the bag and head out, back down the hall and to the kitchen. I stop dead in the door.

“Who’s that?”

Kara looks up to where the little girl is pointing. I’m standing there staring at both of them. “That’s Tanya. Tanya, this is Mari, from school.”

Then it dawns on me and I smile. “The one with the blue and yellow hair.”

Mari obviously doesn’t think this if funny by the pouty look she throws my way.

Uh, oh. Guess I don’t make friends easily.

Kara grins though, trying not to let Mari see. “Her mom had to take her brother to the ER and I told her I’d keep her until she got through. We were just getting ready to go out to the pool. Sam is all ready for us.”

I nod and follow, not about to make things worse with Mari by opening my mouth again. I grab the tray from Kara and carry it over to Sam. Like old times, we are soon grilling away and bitching about work and our bosses.

“If the old crone doesn’t retire soon, I swear someone is going to off him,” Sam sputters, almost choking on her beer.

“Like you?” I grin at her. Sam and her boss have never seen eye to eye. Obviously that hasn’t changed.

“If I didn’t think I’d have to go to jail for it, you bet.”

I laugh, surprising myself by doing it. Kara was surprised too if the look on her face was any indication. I quickly control myself.

“How’s your boss these days?” Sam takes a drink and flips the burgers in front of her.

“Gone a lot, thank the goddess.”

Sam grins at that. “Amen, sister. I wish mine would take a permanent vacation. Oh, damn! I’m sorry Tan.”

I give her a grin to show her I was fine. “No problem. Don’t start watching yourself on my account.” I hear Kara laugh at that and explain to Mari just why Sam was cussing.

“But that’s a bad word,” little Mari was saying as Kara sat with her on the steps of the pool.

I see Kara cut her eyes at Sam and know Sam will be in for a lecture a little later. I can’t help but grin at the thought. Sam is 5’10” and close to 165 pounds. Kara is barely 5’2” and 120 pounds soaking wet. But Sam always backs down when Kara gets in her face to tell her off. It is a sight to behold.

“I know it was, sweetie, and Sam didn’t mean to say it,” Kara explains to the little girl. Kara looks at her spouse again.

“I’m sorry, Mari. I’ll watch what I say,” Sam obediently responds to the silent command from her wife.

I laugh and then grab my stomach as Sam jabs me with her elbow. “Hey!”

“Hey, nothing. It’s not funny,” she says through gritted teeth.

“It’s good practice for when yours get here,” I tease her. I notice her face turn red at that. “So, any luck on that front?” I change the subject.

We discuss future plans and for a little while I can actually talk about this stuff and not choke up. I don’t once remember all the plans Laurel and I made to have children some day. I’m just happy that my friends are moving forward. No kid could be more lucky than to have Kara and Sam for parents.

“Burgers are almost ready, babe,” Sam calls out. I head inside to get the rest of the condiments while Sam gets the burgers off the grill and Kara gets Mari out of the pool. The doorbell rings as I load up my arms with stuff from the fridge.

“Damn.” I quickly drop the stuff on the counter and head to the door, knowing that Kara was expecting Mari’s mom any time. I open the door and stare. A stunning redhead stares back at me and I get lost in the green of her eyes for a minute. A little voice jerks me back to the present.

“Who’s dat, mommy?”

My eyes leave the redheads and take in the little strawberry blonde boy in her arms. The cast on his arm clues me in. “Oh, I’m sorry. You must be Mari’s mom. Come on in. I’m Tanya, a friend of Kara’s.” I step back, trying not to trip over my own two feet, and let her pass me. I close the door and turn to find her staring at me again. I stare back a minute.

She shakes her head. “Sorry. I’m Liz and this is Conner.”

I smile at them both. “Hi. Come on and I’ll take you out back.” I head back to the kitchen, grab the condiments again and lead the two outside.

“Mommy!” Mari screams, jumping up from the table and rushing towards us. I dodge her and continue toward the table, dropping the stuff when I get there. Kara gets up and goes to join Liz and the kids.

“Can you stay? There is plenty and that way you won’t have to worry about cooking,” Kara offers.

Liz shakes her head. “I don’t want to interrupt.”

“I’m hungry, mommy,” Conner interjects, making all of us laugh.

“Please, you aren’t interrupting,” Sam walks over and adds, hugging Kara as she stops beside her.

Liz looks around kind of doubtful and then grins. “Okay, if you’re sure.”

“We are,” Sam says and leans over to address Conner. “What would you like, young man? Hamburger or hot dog?”

“Hot dog,” Conner yells, grinning.

We all get settled at the table and I can’t help but watch Liz with the kids. She barely eats because one of them is in constant need of something. Sam finally steps in and monopolizes Conner while Kara does the same with Mari. Liz looks up and grins at me.

“It’s a wonderful diet plan,” she quips at me, grinning.

I grin back. “You don’t need a diet plan,” I say and then blush after realizing what I said.

“Thank you.” Green eyes twinkle at me. My heart does a little flutter thing and I can’t help but stare at her eyes. They are mesmerizing. “So, how do you know Kara?”

“We’ve been best friends forever,” I reply. “How are you settling in? Kara said you were new to the area?”

Liz nods. “Yeah, job transfer, although it came at a perfect time. I’m getting there. The worst thing is settling the kids. They don’t know anyone around here and that makes it harder.”

“I imagine. What kind of work do you do?”

“Management at Stratford.”

She doesn’t elaborate and I’m wondering if I should ask when we are interrupted.

“Mommy, I gotta pee.”

The adults laugh as Liz grabs her son and follows Sam into the house to the nearest bathroom.

Kara leans over to whisper to me. “She’s nice, isn’t she?”

I give her an evil look, but have to admit that she’s right. Liz is very nice and I can’t imagine why she intrigues me so. I can’t stop staring at her and it doesn’t all revolve around the fact that she’s beautiful. Something about her attracts me and that hasn’t happened since Laurel. At that thought, the guilt enters. Am I being unfaithful to Laurel by thinking about another woman?

“Laurel would approve,” Kara whispers again.

I just stare at her. I can’t get past the guilt and I withdraw into myself. I’m sure Liz realizes it when she returns because our conversation is stilted. I escape as soon as I can and hurry home where I know I’m safe.

That night I have a visit from Laurel. I often dream of Laurel since she’s been gone, but this is the first time that I actually feel her beside me in bed. I jump out of bed when I realized that someone is touching me. I spin around and stop in shock. “Laurel?”

“Hi, love.”

I just stare. Laurel is lying in our bed like so many nights, a soft pink nightgown flowing to her thighs and her blonde hair spread out on her pillow.

“It’s okay, love. You aren’t going crazy. I’m here, but only for a short while.” Laurel pats the spot beside her. “Come sit with me. We need to talk.”

I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as possible and open them only to find her still there, smiling at me. I do it again but with the same results. My mind can’t fathom what my eyes are seeing.

“Please, love.”

Her pleading makes me move and I sit beside her on our bed. I gasp when she takes my hand in hers. It’s warm. I stare in amazement. “Are you real?”

“For now,” she says and I see the sadness in them. “But not for long. I just came to talk to you.” She sits up and hugs me.

I can’t help myself. I break down and cry like a baby in her arms. She holds me, rocking me gently and stroking my hair. “It’s all right. Let it go. It’s time to let me go,” she soothes.

“I don’t want to let you go,” I cry in her arms.

“I know, love, but it’s time for you to move on.” She sits me up and lifts my face in her hands. I reach mine up and stroke hers as she cups my face. “We had a great life together and I know it ended long before either of us was ready, but it did end. I died, love, and nothing can change that.”

“But you’re here.” I struggle with this concept.

“Only to help you along. You are alive and I’m not. I live in here,” she says, placing her hand over my heart. “I will always live in here and in your memories, but not in real life. One day we will be together again, but not for a while. In the meantime, you need to live. It hurts me to see you suffering like this. It’s time to say goodbye and to get on with your life.”

I shake my head at her words. “I don’t want to.”

“You must.” She again lifts my face until I’m staring into her deep blue eyes. “For me, love. Please. I can’t stand to see you suffering like this. Do it for me.”

“Do what?”

“Live.”

I try and contemplate what that entails, but can’t. “I don’t know how anymore,” I whisper softly, breathing in her scent, amazed that I can.

“I think you do.” Laurel tucks a stray strand of brown hair behind my ear. “I like it like this.”

“I thought you liked it short.”

“I did, but I can see this looks good on you too.” She strokes my hair for a minute in silence. “Liz seems very nice.”

I jump at her words and stare at her in horror. “It didn’t mean anything,” I start and she covers my lips with her fingers.

“You aren’t dead, love. I am and you did nothing wrong. I sent her to you.”

I feel my jaw drop at that. “You what?”

“I sent her to you. She needs you and you need her.”

I stare at Laurel, not able to comprehend what she’s saying.

“She’s your soul mate.”

At that I’m shaking my head because Laurel was my soul mate.

She takes my face in her hands and stops my head from turning. “I know we were soul mates, but for a very few there is more than one. You are one of those few and Liz is also your soul mate. Didn’t you feel the connection?”

“Is that what that was?”

Laurel smiles at me. “Yes, love, that’s what that was. Now promise me something.”

“Anything, babe.”

“Promise me that you’ll open your heart and let her in.”

I suddenly realize that tears are streaking down my face and I angrily wipe them away. “Please, don’t go.”

She hugs me again and let’s me cry on her shoulder for a minute before setting me away from her. “I’m already gone, love. You know that, you just don’t want to admit it. But you have to. Please, for both our sakes.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too and I always will. And I know you’ll always love me, but there is room in there for another.” Laurel taps her hand over my heart. “Liz is that other and she and her children need you.”

“I don’t know.”

“Trust me, love. Just promise me that you’ll give her a chance. That you’ll let me go and give her a chance to love you too.”

“I don’t think I can let you go.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to forget me or stop loving me. It just means that you have to move on. There’s a place in your heart where I will always be, but that doesn’t mean that your life can’t continue. You have great things to do and I want to watch you do them. I don’t want to watch you suffer any more. Please, love. Let me go.”

I cry as I reach for her and suddenly all I’m holding is air. “No! Come back!” I scream over and over, then collapse on her pillow, still crying and holding it tight.

I awake the next morning with red eyes and black circles under them. I decide to call out at work and take a drive. As I head out of town, I don’t have a specific direction in mind, but someone does. I find myself heading to our favorite spot in the park. I grab a blanket from the trunk and stretch out under our favorite tree. I close my eyes and remember the great times Laurel and I had here. It doesn’t hurt as much as usual to think about those thoughts and for a minute I’m confused. Does that mean she’s gone? No, I still see her and can feel her. I feel a gentle caress on my arm and open my eyes. A wisp of a shadow is leaning over me and it looks just like Laurel did last night, although not solid.

“Take care, my love. I’ll be watching you,” a gentle whisper floats on the air.

“I love you Laurel. Good bye, babe.” I blow a kiss in the direction she was in and sigh. It’s time to get my life in order.

The End

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