by Muzza

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Copyright © 2004 by Ceri Murray. All Rights Reserved.

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Tony's remark about the threesome last night, gave me a dream I won't forget in a hurry. It was an erotic dream, not about a threesome, just me and Emma. It's the first erotic dream I've had for years. Does this mean anything? I really didn't need this happening to me now.

"You know I want you, Jessie," Emma told me, as she sat next to me.

"You do?" I couldn't believe it. Why would she want me?

"God, yeah." With that she leaned over and kissed me. We kept kissing for a while before I felt her hand on my breast and I felt my breath catch. I'd never felt anything like this before, especially not with Tony. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to pound out of my chest. If this is how I felt after she'd just touched a breast, I didn't know how I was going to handle anything more.

She took my hand and placed it on her breast and I really couldn't believe what was happening. She was so soft, yet there was a subtle firmness there. Everything happened so quickly that the next thing I realised we were on the bed, completely naked.

We started exploring each other and she was causing feelings and emotions in me that I have never experienced before. I though I was going to explode. We were both getting so close.

Then I woke up.

I don't know if I'm relieved or frustrated that I didn't make it to the end of the dream.

Anyway back to my day:-

I took Tony to the train station and we chatted about different things. He wanted to know if things between us would have been different if he hadn't tried to control me. All I could tell him was maybe. It wasn't the answer he was hoping for but what else could I say? It did get me thinking though. Would I be having these feelings for Emma if I was still with Tony? I guess that's something we'll never know now.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time? I'm sure everyone has something in their past they would like to change. I was thinking if I could go back I would probably have told Laura how I felt about her. Maybe things would have been better for me later on. I don't know. Unfortunately things can't be changed so I have to live my life as it is.

I had band practice tonight. We were talking a lot about the competition yesterday. Most of the girls agree that there wasn't much competition for us based on yesterday's performances. Maybe the bands were just having a bad day. You never know, everyone has them.

I've got a bit of a bad chest as well tonight. As long as a chest infection isn't on the way. I'm actually feeling better at the moment. I think being out of the flat nearly all day yesterday and today has helped a lot. I stopped feeling sorry for myself then.

Oh yeah Tony asked me if I wanted to go to London over the next couple of weeks. Fortunately band is going to take up a lot of my time until England Vs Wales is over so I can't. Plus I can't afford nearly £50 for a ticket, at least until I get a job.

Anyway I'm off now. I'm going to watch some TV before I got to bed. It's been a long weekend so hopefully I'll have a good sleep tonight.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

I went for a quiet drink with Dad, Mam, Michael, Rosalyn, Gary and Matthew tonight. It was quite nice as well. Rosalyn can be a real riot when she's had a bit to drink. I though for a bit she was going to start a fight in the pub. Matthew managed to get her to calm down though. Ros really doesn't care. You have to be careful with her when she's drunk but she can be the life of the party.

I had to face Emma today. It's the first time I've had to face her since my dream on Sunday. It wasn't very easy, let me tell you. I couldn't even speak to her properly. It was really embarrassing and she must have thought I was acting like a bumbling idiot. I've never acted like that in front of someone before. That's probably because I never had to worry about meeting someone I've had a dream about. Usually it was someone on the TV or something.

Debbie came to see me today. David was in work so she came here and he picked her up on the way home. We had a good talk about things, especially why we weren't as close as we used to be. I told her, honestly, that David was a big part of that. She didn't like it but it really is the truth. Ever since they've been together she's distanced herself from all of the family. She expects everyone to go and see her but she can't be bothered to come and see us. When we were going through problems with the pub she never even bothered to ask how things were going. She didn't even know we had to sell stuff to help pay the bills. We argued about David for a while even though I didn't want to get into it. I was only pointing out the facts.

She's always complaining that none of the family are making an effort to get to know David properly but she doesn't seem to realise that we have to spend time with him for that to happen. If she doesn't want to see us, he isn't going to come to see us so how are we supposed to get to know him? She's really doing my head in now.... Everything is about her and she doesn't care about anyone else. I've come to the conclusion, and it upsets me to say it but, I love Debbie because she's my sister... but I don't like her that much. If we weren't related, she isn't the sort of person I would have chosen as a friend.

This is how our relationship has been since August and to be honest I'm getting tired of it. I'm fed up of being the bad guy. I'm trying to keep the family together but they are all pulling in different directions.

We talked about Tony as well. Debbie told me she really wanted to let him know what she thought of him this weekend but she didn't think I would appreciate it, so she kept it to herself. I'm glad she did.

Anyway I'm sorry there's even less here today than there was yesterday but my day has been pretty boring. I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Hi there,

I had some really good news today. My cousin, Joseph, is in the Desert Rats and he's been over in Iraq for a while and he's been given his return date. He's coming home at the beginning of May. I've been writing to him since he went over there and I'm looking forward to seeing him home, safe and sound. I know his wife, Nina is looking forward to seeing him and his children Alex and Kayleigh are missing him like mad. Nina and the kids are coming to visit me tomorrow, so that should be good.

I went to visit some friends today. People I went to school with. I just wanted to get out of the flat for a while. It took me an hour to get there but it was good and we chatted for ages.

Joanne is thinking about going back to band, which should be good because I'm not sure how her kids will handle it. They don't like band that much.. maybe they've outgrown that stage now though. I don't know. She won't be in the same band as me though. She can't get to practice. In a way I'm glad she won't be in the same band. See me and Joanne had a weird friendship. We don't actually like each other that much. Joanne, to put it mildly, is a tart. She'd slept with 15 different boys by the time she was 16 years old. She was pregnant by the time she was 17 and had 2 children by the time she was 19. Ok she was the type of girl who attracted anything in trousers but she couldn't say no to any of them. She had more one night stands than anyone else I know put together. She didn't care about the consequences and she liked rubbing your nose in it. I know technically I had a right to be jealous of her because she had everything I wanted, but in the end I ended up pitying her more than anything. There she is... a girl who has everything she asks for given to her on a plate by her wealthy parents and the only way she could get fulfillment in her life was by sleeping around. At least I respected myself enough to not sleep with anyone who showed an interest... which is kind of funny when you think about how low my self confidence is.

I think that's one of the reasons Joanne wants to go back to band... A lot of her boyfriends are from other bands and she's hoping to meet up with a couple of them and maybe finding someone to *settle* down with. I think the boys have wised up to her now though and they aren't interested in her or the fact that she's got two children.

Anyway I heard some good gossip as well. Have you ever had a friend who seemed really against gay people? I did, every time we would see someone we knew was gay she would freak out. Anyway Joanne told me that Cassie, has finally settled down with someone. Her name is Lisa. I was gob smacked but the more I think about it she did protest a little too much. See in school there was a group of girls, better known as the Tart Patrol. Joanne, Cassie and Rebecca were the Tart Patrol, girls who would sleep with anyone. The fact that Cassie was a lesbian really knocked me for a minute. It just goes to show you don't know everyone no matter what you think.

I also found out one of my friends got married about a year ago. She married the father of her two daughters and moved to Scotland. I'm not really sure why they've moved all the way to Scotland though, all of their family is here. So I don't know if something happened to cause friction between them or what. Joanne wasn't sure either. I did realise how sad it is that I've completely lost contact with so many of the people I went to school with. I used to be really good friends with some of them but as school finished so did our friendship. Growing up isn't the same now as it used to be. Friends aren't forever anymore. People move away, they meet new people and they disappear from your lives. Dad has so many friends that he went to school with and they are all still good friends. It isn't like that anymore and it's a little bit sad. I read somewhere that 'a good friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but a true friend is the person sat in the cell next to you, saying that was awesome wanna do it again.' That is so true and as sad as it makes me, there isn't anyone who I could say that about.

I'm getting depressed now. It doesn't say much about me when I admit I haven't got friends I can depend on, does it?

Well there isn't much I can do about it now, so hopefully some of the friends I've made down here can be those sort of friends.

Anyway I'd best get going. I'll be back tomorrow.

See you.

Bye

Well today was absolutely boring. I wasn't going to bother writing anything but I decided to anyway. Don't know why. You'll probably be asleep by the end of this entry anyway. That's if you're still with me now.

I did have band practice. Not a lot happened there either. It almost seemed like everyone was conspiring to make today boring. Everyone turned up, there wasn't any arguing and what else can I tell you about? We even got the whole display right.

I did have a phone call off Tony. He wanted to thank me for having him on the weekend. He told me he had a really good time and he wanted to know if he could do it again one day. I don't know if he will or not. I don't know if it's a good idea but it was kind of nice having him here. I was really glad when he went home though. He starts his new job on Monday. He's really looking forward to it. Hopefully he'll stop complaining that he hasn't got any money. I don't have any sympathy for him though. He had the chance of a job that paid £15 an hour and he turned it down. I'm not being funny but a lot of people have to survive on £4.20 an hour. That's a big difference when you're working a 40 hour week. He would have been paid £600 a week before tax. When I was working I was getting £168 a week before tax. Do you know why he turned it down? He said it wasn't worth moving away for £15 an hour. I was going out with him at the time and I nearly killed him. He was also offered a job with one of the biggest computer companies in the world and he turned that down because he didn't want to move to America.

Something good did happen today actually. I had an email from Kelly-Anne. Kelly-Anne was my idol when I was growing up. She was a member of one of the best bands in Wales and she was really amazing. She went on a 3 year winning streak, just after I met her. I was only 8 at the time and I wanted to be her when I grew up. She was like a 3rd mother to me and as I grew up we became really good friends until she finished bands when I was 16. We lost contact as well. Anyway she emailed me today and I am so pleased. She says she's fine and she's sorry that we lost contact. Here's the letter:-

Dear Jessie,

Hi, I bet you didn't expect to get an email of me. How are you? I'm fine. I'm so sorry we lost contact when I finished band. Out of all the other people in bands, you were the one person I could call a friend. Even though I was old enough to be your mother, you always seemed mature for your age and you made me feel really comfortable about telling you anything. You were even the first person I told, apart from Martin when I found out I was pregnant.

I was speaking to Louise from your band at the band reunion and I was surprised you were still in bands. She gave me your email address. I hope you don't mind.

You'll have to let me know when you're in town again and we'll have to get together. I'd like to introduce you to my children. They've heard a lot about you and are looking forward to meeting you. I don't think they ever expected it too though. I would like to get to know you again, too.

Martin sends his love and says he's missed you taking me off his hands for a while. We really have to get together again. It'll be really fun, talking about the past and catching up on what we've missed.

How is band going anyway? Louise said it isn't the same as it used to be. It isn't that different is ity? Jonah, my eldest wants to join but there isn't that many bands around here anymore and I don't think he would be able to stand the travelling.

Louise also told me you've been through a pretty rough year. Hopefully it isn't as bad as she made it out to be. How is your family? Your Dad, Grandmother and Grandad? Hopefully everything and everyone is ok.

Anyway I have to get going. Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.

Your friend, always.

Kelly-Anne

I was so pleased to get that email. It really made my boring day into a really good day. So I really shouldn't complain that much.

Louise asked me if I minded her giving Kelly-Anne my email address and I just smiled and thanked her very much before I gave her a hug. I think I surprised her a lot but hey... I was happy, what else could I do.

Anyway I'm going to go now so I'll write more tomorrow.

See you.

Bye

Continued in Part 10

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