by Muzza

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Copyright © 2004 by Ceri Murray. All Rights Reserved.

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How are you today? I'm doing good. I had band practice tonight and I finally found out what the bad feeling between Tina and Tracey is all about. Apparently before Tina came out she dated Tracey's brother, Daniel. It never worked out obviously and not long after the split up Daniel killed himself. He had been depressed a lot through his relationship with Tina, it was one of the reasons they drifted apart. He finished with Tina but Tracey still blames Tina for his death. That feeling got worse when she joined band and found out Tina was a lesbian.

Why they are both still there I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I get on great with Tina and I don't want her to finish band but I wouldn't put up with the 'abuse' she gets from Tracey. Then again I don't know why Louise is even letting Tracey get away with it and stay in the band. I wouldn't put up with it and she would be out on her ear. Bands are supposed to be fun for everyone involved, having a situation like this makes it a little uncomfortable for everyone. Hopefully it will be sorted out - for everyone's sake. That's just something we'll have to wait and see about.

We haven't got band practice on Sunday. The first Welsh competition is on Sunday so we are going to watch. We'll be able to see if we've got any serious competition this year. That's the one thing about being the best band in Wales, everyone is always waiting for you to fall. Doesn't that sound big-headed? Well actually it's true, at least as far as consistency goes. We've been in the top three of nearly every competition for the last two years. Hopefully that will continue for this year. The only time we end up under-performing is in the big competitions, that's something we hope to change though. So Sunday is going to be our scouting trip. Louise told me I didn't have to go because it's a little out of my way but I want to be classed as part of the band and the only way for that to happen is by doing everything the band does, even if I don't like it. I'm looking forward to Sunday though, hopefully I'll meet up with some friends.

I went shopping again. There wasn't much I actually needed so I spent most of my time deciding whether to buy a cd or not. Well actually there were four cds I wanted to buy and I could only afford one. It took me ages to decide which one I wanted most. I finally got one though. I got some food as well because I asked Debbie, David, Gemma, Ashley and Dad for dinner tomorrow night and I've got Tony staying. I still don't know why. I'm looking forward to his excuse though. That should be fun.

I had a letter of the bank today. Between my two accounts, I am now over £500 overdrawn. They want to know when I'm going to start paying it back. I don't know what to tell them. I'm trying to live on £86 a fortnight and I haven't even started having bills yet. I've made an appointment to see that bank manager for tomorrow, I'll explain the situation to him and hopefully we can come to some agreement. I don't like having people on my back about money, so the sooner I get it sorted out the better. I'm fed up with being broke as well, so the sooner I get a job, the better.

I don't know why I decided to invite people over for dinner. It was probably because I don't really want to spend tomorrow night alone with Tony. I'm making it sound like he's a total idiot who scares me but he really isn't like that. Tony has the potential to be a great boyfriend, he just needs to get over his controlling nature. Maybe what I see as controlling won't be to someone else. I don't know. Maybe I was finding faults, excuses to finish with him because I wasn't happy with him anyway. I don't know, it's all sort of confusing but I'm hoping to figure it out one way or another.

I think I'm coming down with a cold. I've had a sore throat all day and that's a sure sign of an impending cold. Hopefully it won't be as bad as the last one I had. It was so bad that I was completely out of it for two days. It sucked. I really can't remember much of it at all and I don't think I can handle that again. Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. That's how the cold always works with me, sore throat first, followed by sniffles and bunged up nose.

Anyway I'm gonna go and try to get some sleep.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Tony arrived today. When I asked him the reason he came down here he said he needed to talk to me about his new relationship. I asked him why he couldn't just talk over the phone and he said he just wanted some advice and he figured he would get it better, face to face. He told me his new girlfriend, Tara, has been complaining about the same things I was, that he is trying to control and all that stuff.

"What can I do about it, Jessie?" he asked, as we both sat down on the sofa. "This is the only way I know."

"Then you need to learn a new way," I told him. "Tony, I told you that women don't like being told what they can and cannot do. You have to learn to let Tara make her own decisions. If you don't like those decisions you need to discuss them with her. Don't tell you don't like it so she has to do it your way."

"Compromise," he said.

"Exactly," I agreed. "You have to learn to compromise but you also have to learn to give in." I pointed out. "Something you can't compromise if one of you believes so strongly in something."

"When did relationships become so complicated?" he asked, as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Relationships have always been complicated. You've just never done it this way before," I told him. "Relationships have always been about give and take. You've always been a taker, now you have to learn to be a giver."

"I don't know if I can do that," he admitted. "This is how I was brought up."

"I know," I wanted to comfort him but I couldn't. "You just have to remember if you want a relationship to work, you can't get away with treating women the way you do."

"Will you help me?" He looked so lost that I forgot my earlier promise and I hugged him.

"Of course I will," I told him. "I'll be there whenever you need me. That's what friends are for."

"I'm glad we're still friends, Jess," he admitted.

"So am I," I agreed.

And I am. Tony has always been a good friend, someone I could talk to about anything. He was the only one I felt comfortable talking to when I was going through the tests and stuff for Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. Obviously he was the only one I could talk to about my miscarriage, even though he didn't really understand what I was going through.

The dinner party went well today. I didn't poison anyone at least. Well I hope I didn't... nobody complained anyway. Gemma and Ashley liked Tony and they've agreed to look after him on Sunday because he doesn't want to go to the competition. We had an argument about that too.

"How can you just go and leave me, Jessie?" he asked. "I came here to see you."

"I know," I admitted. "But this Sunday has been arranged for weeks."

"Well cancel it then." He was getting annoyed and so was I.

"See this is what I'm talking about," I told him. "You can't just expect me to re-arrange everything just because you're here. You never did that when I came to see you. I always did what you wanted but you won't give an inch."

I think it dawned on him what he was saying. "God, I'm sorry, Jessie," he said. "I have no right in telling you what you should be doing."

Some sense at last. "And you need to remember that the next time Tara decides to do something you don't like."

I though Debbie was going to kill him though. She knows about the miscarriage and she knows about his attitude towards it. She really wasn't impressed with him then and I don't think tonight changed her mind. Dad was alright with him but even he was a little bit cold.

Anyway I went to see the bank manager today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I explained everything to him and he's agreed for me to pay £20 a fortnight, which is all I can afford at the moment. I've got to start looking for a job though. I hate being broke.

I have to get going. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I have to take Tony shopping.

See you tomorrow, if I'm still alive.

Bye

Well today hasn't been too bad. I took Tony shopping for some stuff he that he needed. Stuff he can't get in London, which made me laugh. It's weird how he lives in the Capital of the United Kingdom and he can't get some stuff he needs. Well he's got it now, so he can stop complaining.

I introduced him to Emma and Michelle today. They weren't that impressed with him and they both asked me what I saw in him. I told them about some of his good points but they didn't buy it. I reminded them that I wasn't with him anymore so they couldn't hold it against me.

I am so tired today. I couldn't sleep last night. It was 5 'o' clock when I finally dozed off and I was awake at 6. So I haven't been in the best mood today. My head is pounding and my eyes keep going blurry. I've got a really bad cold as well. I always get colds during the good weather. That's the thing that annoys me. When everyone gets them in the winter I get it during the summer. I even got the flu when we were in the middle of a heat wave.

I think I probably made it worse by going out for a drink with Gemma, Ashley, Michelle, Emma and Tony tonight. We had a good laugh though and there wasn't any trouble. Emma and Michelle didn't even argue. Tony got on really well with Gemma and Ashley and he's looking forward to spending tomorrow with them. He spent most of night talking to them so I was talking to Emma and Michelle.

We chatted about a lot of things actually including my qualifications from University. See I studied to be a social worker. I have all the qualifications and volunteer work experience to get a job that pays around £30,000 a year and I'm living on Jobseekers Allowance and living in a council flat. I know that probably doesn't make much sense to you but see when I was studying, the one thing I wanted to do was start my own counselling centre. I wanted it to be a little like the National Society of Prevention for Cruelty against Children (NSPCC). I had the name picked out and everything. I wanted to be about to help children and teenagers with all sorts of problems. Sexual, health, drugs and family problems. It was the sort of place I would have liked to have growing up. I wanted to be able to give them proper face-to-face help now, like the teenage phone help lines that are really impersonal. I still want to make that happen but it's getting the money together to start it. I know having a job would help but I've been looking around, finding places that would be ideal for the centre and getting the information on how to go about it.

I have been thinking of getting a job though. I'm just not sure whether a Social worker is what I actually want to do. I want to help children and I'm not sure if there's another way. I'll pop to the job centre on day in the week and see what they've got there.

I'm also going to find out if I'd be eligible for a grant starting the centre because it's for helping children and it would be a charity organisation.

Ok sorry about that. I was talking about my night out. Actually not much else happened. Tony got drunk and asked me if I was sorry we split up. I told him I wasn't, he didn't like it but he accepted it.

Anyway I'm going to try and get some sleep.

See you tomorrow.

Bye

Well I went to the competition today. It was fun and I had a really great time. I met up with some friends while I was there. They told me they were glad to see me and it's about time I decided to come back. Some of the bands were really good but there wasn't really much competition. Maybe that's just the way I saw it, I don't know. The English bands I saw were good, as usual. In all the years I've been in bands I've very rarely seen a crap English band. It's weird and I really don't know what it is about the English bands, and as much as hate to say it, an English band will knock the socks off most Welsh bands.

Anyway I'm really looking forward to our first competition now. It'll be so good to get out on the field marching. It's something I've really missed and it really is great to be back.

It made a change that I was actually hanging around with members of my band today. Kelly and Tina are really trying to bring me out of my shell and they are supporting me as much as possible. They really have been great since I've been back. Don't get me wrong, Kelly was great before and she was always the person I classed as my best friend in the band but that was how far it went. Now it's different. I'm not sure why but I'm not going to argue about it.

I could have killed Tony tonight. We were talking about Gemma and Ashley and how great a time he had with them today, when he turned around and asked how well I knew Emma and Michelle.

"So did you have a good time?" I asked, as I took my shoes off. My feet were killing me from standing all day.

"Yeah, Gemma and Ashley are really great. Ashley is a total riot," Tony admitted. "You can tell he's Welsh though."

"How?" I asked. Ok the accent was a major give away but I didn't think that's what he was talking about.

"He's a nutter." He smiled. People always say that about the Welsh and usually it is so true.

"He is a little mad," I agreed. "What did you do today?"

"Not much. We went to that park to let the dog have a run and we stayed there for a couple of hours. Then we went to your old pub to see what state it was in. God it's a mess now isn't it!" I nodded my head. "Then we came back and watched some TV.

"As long as you had a good time," I said.

"I did," he assured me. "Hey, how well do you know Emma and Michelle?"

"Well I've only known them a week but they are pretty good friends of mine. Why?"

"Have you though of asking them for a threesome?"

To say I was completely gob smacked that he'd suggested that was an understatement. I really couldn't believe it. I didn't even know what to say to him so I just laughed. The laugh was one of those 'oh my god' laughs. Not a polite laugh but a full blown one that they probably heard down the street. It was so embarrassing. I don't even know why I laughed, it's not like it was funny.

I had this weird dream last night. It was about band, so it was different to the others. Anyway I was told that we weren't marching at the competition on this particular Sunday. It wasn't far from us so my Dad, Mam, Michael and I went to watch it anyway. It was a qualifier for the World Championships so I thought it was unusual that the band wasn't going but I didn't argue. So I'm there watching the bands when all of a sudden my band marches past. The old drummer Sam, who left before I came back was there. Her and Louise gave me these smug and arrogant grins as they passed and I was absolutely speechless.

When they'd finished marching I went up to Louise, who was chatting to Sam and I asked what was going on and Louise told me that Sam had come back and they didn't need me anymore. I was gutted. Not because of Sam, she's been the drummer for years before and I would have gladly stepped aside for her. I was gutted because they hadn't told me and given me the chance to make that decision. Then Louise told me I was welcome to go on anything else, even Leader if I wanted to, but I told her to stuff it. I left and joined one of the local bands.

I can't even say I don't know why I had the dream because I do. This is the one thing that worries me. See there were three things always associated with my band -- smartness, Louise and Sam. The band isn't the same without one of them. The reasons Sam had for leaving have gone now, so I'm worried she'll come back and I'll be booted out.

Anyway I'm glad I did dream about something different for a change. It was quite refreshing actually.

Got to go now. See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Continued in Part 9

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