by Muzza

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Copyright © 2004 by Ceri Murray. All Rights Reserved.

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Did you notice I didn't have the house warming party last night? I changed it to today during the week because I wanted to be a little more settled in. So tonight it was the party. It was pretty cool actually. Nearly everyone had a good time, except my Grandmother and her husband, Roger.

I'm surprised they turned up at all. Maybe it was just so they could brag about how bad my flat was. I think they had a shock though. They had even more of a shock when they met Michelle and Emma. Apparently they aren't too keen on lesbians. What a shame. I did find out Michelle used to go to school with my Uncle Ben, which was a surprise. Talk about a small world huh.

There was no alcohol at the party so everyone went home sober, whether they wanted to or not. I don't know for sure, whether Emma told Michelle who was involved in with the almost attack last night. I think she did though because Michelle was giving David sly, dirty looks all night. So what does that tell you?

I went shopping for food today, finally. So there is some proper food here. Now all I have to do is learn to cook it. I'm fine with microwavable stuff, who isn't? I'm crap cooking on a cooker though. I guess everyone has to learn sometime. Apparently now is my time. If I'm still alive in a few days at least that means I haven't poisoned myself yet.

Apart from the party, not much really happened. The day dragged on a little though. I was up early and I couldn't figure out what to do with myself. I went for a spin, came home and did some reading, went to see Dad, my mother and Michael. Dad and I went to see how the pub is coming on. It doesn't look too bad. When we got back I came home, watched some TV and then got ready for the party. I guess that's what living on my own is going to be like. It's weird really, before I worked in the pub I could stay in the house all day and not get bored. Now if I'm not doing something I'm bored within half an hour.

I know this is interesting (insert sarcasm) but my knee started playing up a little today. Not sure why because I haven't done anything to stress it. Hopefully it won't last long either, I've gotten used to being ache free and I don't want to start again.

Anyway sorry this entry is short. I'm a little tired tonight, so I'm going to go to sleep.

See you tomorrow.

Well today wasn't too bad. I had a phone call at 1 'o' clock to tell me we had band practice at 3. Apparently Louise, the trainer is worrying about the display. It doesn't bother me because it gets me out of the house for a couple of hours. Practice went pretty well really and I don't know what Louise is worried for. We've got a couple of weeks until England Vs Wales and we will be ready by then.

Emma and Michelle had a few people around today and God were they noisy. Michelle apologised afterwards but I told her not to worry about it. As long as they don't complain when I make some noise I'll be alright. It's not like it happens very often so it isn't worth complaining about. Well that's what I think anyway.

They are arguing again now though. I wonder if they realise I can hear every word they are saying. Again it doesn't bother me but I think some things should be kept private and what they argue about isn't anyone else's business. I agree with Emma that the thing they argue about most is her faithfulness. Michelle seems really insecure about that. I'm not really sure why, because Emma hardly ever goes out with her. At least she hasn't since I've been living here. Ok that doesn't really say a lot since I haven't even been living here a week.

I really do know what Michelle's going through because I did go through it myself. I wasn't lying to Emma about that. Even though I didn't love Tony, the thought that he might be cheating on me was a big source of worry for me. I kept me awake a lot, especially when he told me he was out with 'friends.' Then it got to the point where I just didn't care but that was mainly because I didn't love him. If Michelle loves Emma, it's going to get worse unless Emma reassures her everything is going to be ok. Maybe even that won't be enough.

Have you noticed how this is my journal and most of it is about them? I don't know why. Maybe I like seeing two women in a relationship because it reminds me there isn't anything wrong with it. It is an accepted thing in most places. It might not be as accepted as a male/female relationship but it isn't something that people are persecuted for as much as they are for being a different colour. Maybe seeing them together reminds that only a few years ago I wanted to be in their shoes--in a relationship with someone who meant the world to me and also happened to be a woman. I just know I enjoy watching them. I enjoy being around them. I even enjoy listening to them talking. Is that sad?

I spent some time this evening talking to Michelle. She seems ready to open up to someone and I would like it if she trusted me enough to confide in me. You know maybe I should consider becoming an agony aunt. I'm always listening to other peoples problems and trying to give them advice.... maybe I'm doing it for the wrong reasons though. I like listening to other peoples problems because it reminds me that there are people who have things worse than me. Does that make me shallow? I don't know.

Tina spoke to me quite a lot in band again today. She's a really good laugh and she's so at ease with who she is. She teases all the girls in band and people aren't sure how to take her some of the time. Things that if a hetero woman said wouldn't bother them, seem to take on a new meaning when she says them. A simple thing like a bands motto 'best two points forward' or 'stick your tits out' mean you should hold your shoulders back when you're marching, when said by hetero. When said by Tina, they think it means 'I wanna look at your tits' which they then take offence at. She's been in a committed relationship for over six years but that doesn't matter to them.

To be honest I think there's some bad feeling between Tina and one of the girls. I'm not sure why but I do know a couple of them avoid her. Maybe I'll talk to Kelly about it in practice tomorrow, although I'd rather ask Tina, I don't feel comfortable enough to ask her yet.

Dad came to band with me today. He spent most of the afternoon chatting to John and Louise, even though Louise was supposed to be training the band. He enjoyed himself. Hopefully he'll start coming to practice more often. At least it gets him out of the house more. We aren't having practice next Sunday because the 1st Welsh competition is next week and we are going to watch, so we can see what sort of competition we'll have this season.

Anyway I have to get going. See you tomorrow.

Bye for now

I had band practice again today and it was a little disconcerting. Laura was looking at me nearly all night. It wasn't blatant staring or anything just quick glances when she though I wasn't looking. I wanted to ask her what her problem was but I couldn't bring myself to. I didn't know whether to be flattered or annoyed so I just tried to ignore it, which wasn't easy. I just really wanted to poke my tongue at her. That would have been so cool but it's immature I know.

I forgot to ask Kelly tonight about the bad feeling between Tina and Tracy in band. Although I'd been reminding myself nearly all day. I guess that's why everyone says I've got a brain like a sieve.

Things are looking really good in practice. The whole display is coming along nicely. Even though some new rules means it's more difficult for bands because they have to entertain people in the last three minutes. It's hard to do when the only way to do that is by doing things that the band has been against for years. It does look good so far though. We'll just have to see what the other bands do.

I spent a couple of hours with Dad today. We spent it driving around and talking. It's the one thing I miss about living with him. We used to talk about anything and everything but now we find it hard to find the time to talk. It's mainly because Dad doesn't come down the flat very often so when I go up to the house he isn't on his own which means we can't talk. It annoys me that when I go up there, he goes out to help Michael do work and then when I don't spend much time there, he has a go at me.

I told Dad I was thinking about getting a pet. I spotted Siberian Husky puppies for sale in the local paper today, they are KC registered and they have all their paperwork, the only problem is they are £300. I've always wanted a Husky, it's been my favourite dog all my life. I've never had a dog before because Dad gets the sniffles when he's around them too long but now I've got the flat I wouldn't mind the company.

He's told me it's my decision but first I have to find £300, which isn't going to be easy. I'll think of something even if I have to sell something, although I'm not selling my car. Someone offered me £200 for one of the computers I have, maybe it's worth selling it. It's not like I use it that much. I've got three computers anyway: 2 desktops and a laptop. Getting rid of one of the desktops isn't going to hurt. Then I'll only have to find £100, which I might have put away in the bank.

I had a bloke from the council visit today. He was just checking that I haven't found any problems with the flat yet. Luckily I haven't, so he went away happy. He asked me if I had any problems with the neighbours and I said no. He told me the couple who had the flat last were constantly phoning up complaining about Emma and Michelle so he wanted to check I wasn't having any problems with them. I told him that everyone in the block was wonderful and I couldn't ask for better neighbours. Just as I said that Emma and Michelle started arguing again. When he asked me if that happened often I lied and said 'no, it's the first time it's happened.' He seemed satisfied with that and he left.

If I'd seen either of them later I probably would have killed them but I didn't so there we go.

Anyway it's getting later, I'm gonna get some sleep.

Bye for now

I had a shock today when Tony phoned to tell me he's coming down for a visit on Friday. I have no idea why. Ok friends can visit friends but I've got a sneaky feeling there's more to it than that. I'll just have to wait and see. As long as he isn't expecting us to get back together it's alright. I've thought about it once or twice but it isn't something I want to do. Sometimes I like the idea of being with someone again and that's when I think of him. He was a good boyfriend in some ways but there were things about him that really annoyed me. Things like his controlling behaviour. He was always trying to tell me what to do, like sometimes after a busy week I like to have a 'lazy' day, where I don't do anything. I get out of bed, watch the TV, sort stuff out around the house and stay in my pyjamas all day. He was always telling me I shouldn't do that and I should be out doing something. He might have had other girlfriends that put up with that but I sure as hell wasn't going to. I like being independent, I like making my own decisions and I like doing as I please. I wouldn't have had that with Tony.

Debbie called today. She told me Gran and Roger had called in to see her and they were telling her how impressed they were with the flat. Then they had the nerve to tell her they hope now I'll get the rest of my life in order. They make me really made sometimes. They expect me to do exactly as the say, when I'm not even classed as part of the family. Gran usually forgets my name, that's how bad it is. Maybe I should start dating a rocker, someone with earrings and piercings everywhere. That would really annoy them but it would be really cool.

I really don't know what they've got against me. I've always done as I was told. I went to College and University. I didn't get pregnant as a teenager so why do they treat me like the outcast? I say it doesn't bother me but sometimes it does. Like the difference in the way the treat me and Debbie. Debbie has done everything against their wishes. She ran away from home when she was 16, got into trouble with the police all through her teen years, she got pregnant when she was 18 to a man who had only been out of jail for a few months and they are showering her with presents and stuff. Then there's me, I've been quiet growing up. I never broke the law, I never let boys get in the way of school, I was the sort of person who when I found a wallet with £200 in it.. I turned it over to the police and got a £10 reward. Gran and Roger wouldn't even travel 15 minutes to be there when I graduated from University.

Ok that's enough of that sob story.

I had another dream last night. Can you guess what about? You've got it, how did you know it was about Emma? It actually started to get a little worse last night. We started off talking, we even went to a band competition and we were just about to kiss when I woke up. I so didn't want this to happen. Does the fact that I'm dreaming mean I really am attracted to Emma? Or does it mean my imagination is coming back? If it is coming back with dreams of her, do I really want it back? I don't know.

Do you want to know how sad I'm getting?

Let me tell you.

Emma and Michelle put some washing out yesterday and they haven't taken it in yet, so I'm sitting her at my desk in the bedroom waiting to see which one comes out to get it. I've been here for nearly an hour and the really sad thing is, neither of them are even in, they both went out this morning. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into a stalker. I know I'm now because I have no intention of following them everywhere of even of watching them all the time. I'm happy with a glimpse of Emma a day. I haven't seen her for two days now so maybe I'm going through withdrawal. :-)

To change the subject again... I think these flats are haunted by the way. Do you want to know why? Every now and then the front door opens but no one comes in and no one goes out. It's weird and it's annoying for someone like me who likes to be nosy. I'm up and down like a yo-yo trying to see whose coming and going but there's no one there.

Anyway I'm going to go now it's getting.....

Oh there she is. Emma's just gone out the back to get the washing in. She really is good looking you know. I don't know what it is about her but there's definitely something about her that makes me want to look at her all the time.

Anyway I'm definitely going now, she's just called me downstairs. :-)

See you tomorrow.

Bye

Good even people.....

I'm in a good mood. Do you want to know why? I started writing the outline for a new story today. It's the first time I've written a few pages with the outline and some story ideas for ages and it felt pretty good too. I don't know whether I'll be able to carrying on writing but it's worth a try. I'll have to wait and see what happens.

I've been thinking of going to see a Psychic a lot over the last couple of days. I know you don't know whether to believe what they say half the time but I went to see one last year and she knew everything about me. What I studied in school, the song my grandmother used to sing to me when I was little, my lack of self- confidence and a lot more. Things she couldn't have possibly known. Some people said she probably got the info from the person who was holding the party and I would have figured that too but I wasn't even going to see her. I actually took the place of someone else because I'd never been to see a Psychic before. That made it all the more convincing to me.

I wonder if I did go and see one whether they'd be able to shed some light on the confusion I'm having about my sexual orientation at the moment. I doubt it but maybe it's worth a try. Then I'd have to think if they were telling me what they think I want to hear or are they telling me the truth. Would they tell me if I was a lesbian? Would they skirt around it because they didn't want to make themselves look stupid if they were wrong? I don't know. I'll have a look for some numbers later on and might make an appointment to see one. Anything is worth a shot, don't you think? I might see a clairvoyant as well. I'd like to talk to my Grandparents, maybe they can give me some approval for some of the things I've done. We'll see.

I watched a chat show tonight, it was a special about drag kings:- You have to decide who were men and who were women. It's surprising how like men some of the women looked. Out of all of them only 2 were women. I had one wrong, I thought he was a woman.... never mind. As I watched it, I thought of Emma and Michelle. Emma is the type of women you look twice at. I don't know if she's intentionally butch, like these women were or if it's just natural. I don't even know if I just insulted her or not. What do you think? That program was weird though. Some of the women looked more like drag queens when they were in their dresses, even though they really were women. I can see why they dress as men though, probably saves a lot of questions. I'm not really a tomboy anymore.. ok I never wear dresses or skirts... jeans and t-shirts are more my thing but I don't think I could pass for a boy. Don't think I'd ever want to. For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm actually pleased with who I am. I wouldn't want to change that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last couple of days about who I used to be and who I am now. It's funny what things can change. I'm sure you're wondering what I'm talking about, aren't you? I don't know if you know anyone who has Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome but one of the symptoms is the inability to lose weight. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not that big but I've been trying to get down to my proper weight since I was 17, no diet or amount of exercise would help me lose a pound. In the last three months I've lost half a stone. Now, that might not sound like a lot to you but it feels like the world to me. I already feel better about myself in general and that is something I've never experienced before... it feels great. Now I just hope I keep losing the weight so I can get down to my proper weight. Then I'll probably find something else to moan about. Isn't that the way it goes?

Anyway I'd best be going.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Continued in Part 8

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