by Muzza

Disclaimers: See Part 1.

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Copyright © 2004 by Ceri Murray. All Rights Reserved.

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The removal van was here early this morning so everything was in the flat by 2 'o' clock. So all afternoon I've been sorting all the stuff out. My bed is made and waiting for me and I'm really looking forward to getting into it.

I met the couple downstairs today. Emma and Michelle. They both seem nice enough. They are both your stereo-typical lesbians though. I'm looking forward to getting to know them. They've already decided I've got to have a house warming party on Friday. I was thinking about it anyway but they pushed me into it. Now I've got to decide who to invite. The flat isn't big enough to hold too many people, so I could only invite family and a few friends. The list will probably be :-

Dad, Mam, Michael, Debbie, David, Gary, Rosalyn, Matthew, Gemma, Ashley, Michelle and Emma.

Great party list don't you think? I might invite the grandparents as well. That's the grandparents on my mothers side. I doubt they'll come because they don't like me every much anyway. It's weird how I've been alienated from most of my mothers side of the family. I'm not classed as part of the family anymore, I haven't been since my Dad got custody of me. I'm the one who gets invited to a wedding reception while everyone else gets invited to the wedding. I'm the one who wasn't told until three months later that my Grandmother had re-married. That's the way it's always been. I tried to make myself fit in here, especially since I moved to be closer to all of my family, but at the end of the day I will always be a Williams, not a Thomas.

Furniture wish I actually got a lot done today. The three piece suite is in, my bed, desk, computer and TV are all set up. The spare bed is up and all my lights are working. Now this flat feels like home.

I don't know how I'm going to handle the nights though. When I was living with my Dad and he was working nights I would sleep downstairs and stay awake until half an hour before he was due home in case someone broke in. How sad is that? Hopefully being on the first floor means I won't be worrying about that too much.

My hand is aching so much from band last night, I can't even grip a pen properly. It'll probably be like this for a while after practice though. Until my hands get used to the abuse they're gonna get in practice. Luckily I have two days rest before each practice and the comps on Sundays. Although Sunday and practice on Monday might be a killer. It's the part between my thumb and index finger that hurts and I've got an nice blister there as well. Hopefully that will go down soon.

Anyway back to my flat. I'm a little worried about what Emma and Michelle can hear downstairs. Tonight when I was left on my own I could hear them talking downstairs. They were talking normally and I'm a little worried that if we can hear them then they can hear us talking. Do I need to whisper if I want to talk about anything important of secret? I suppose I could ask them but that seems kind of rude.

I had a phone call of Tony today. We chatted for a while. He's finally got a job offer he's pleased with. £45,000 a year and only two days he needs to be in the office, the rest he can do from home. He is still on about moving down this way though because the houses are cheaper. I don't think he will though.... he couldn't handle doing the three hour trip here twice a month when we were seeing each other, so how would he manage to do that twice a week. It was nice talking to him though. We both agreed to try and stay friends, which was how we started out anyway. I prefer him as a friend. He knows more about me than anyone else does and it's easier to talk to him about things. He hasn't told me if he's seeing anyone but I don't think he is because he would be considering coming here to live if he was seeing someone down there. In a way I want him to be seeing someone because he can be getting the sex he wants from her but in a way I hope he isn't because he'll probably start rubbing in how great the sex is and stuff and that isn't something I want to know about. He did tell me that when I want to try having a baby he's willing to help. I.V.F treatment was something I was considering before I met him but it was expensive. Al least if Tony was the father we could do it the 'old-fashioned' way, even if it is uncomfortable, then I could give my child a background. Something I couldn't do if I had a donor and I.V.F treatment.

He said he wouldn't want anything to do with the baby once it was born, which I already knew because he told me that when I had a miscarriage. So any baby would be my responsibility, which would be fine by me, however at the moment I couldn't afford to have a baby. I don't have the money and besides I've just gone back to band and if I got pregnant I'd have to finish straight away and I don't want to.

Anyway I'm starting to get tired now so I'm gonna go jump into my nice, warm, comfortable bed.

Be back tomorrow.

Well I finished sorting everything out today, Emma from downstairs came up and gave me a hand while Michelle was in work. We talked about a lot of different stuff, including how I felt about lesbians. She told me her and Michelle were a little worried about introducing themselves to me, in case I was prejudiced towards gay people. I told her I have too many gay friends to be prejudiced and she was really relieved. Apparently the couple who had the flat last were really prejudiced and they did everything they could to upset Emma and Michelle. I assured her that wouldn't happen with me. I was surprised to find that Emma is 28, 10 years younger than Michelle. Michelle does not look 38.

Emma was still upstairs when Michelle came home and Michelle must have done something cause she shouted at herself. Emma was surprised how clear it was. She almost died of embarrassment when she asked if that was the case all the time and I said, "yep you can hear almost anything." I think she got the point because she went bright red before saying bye and going downstairs. I felt bad for her because I didn't want to embarrass her but she asked and I try to be honest whenever I can. I hope this doesn't affect the friendship we seemed to be building. Emma seems like a good laugh and I could use a friend who makes me laugh.

I went out for a quiet drink with Dad tonight and we talked about different things, mainly how bored both of us are. That's a really interesting conversation right? Never mind we did have a good chat about how long he's going to wait until he tried to find himself a woman. I've been trying to get him to go out and meet women for years, I even threatened to set him up with someone from a dating agency if he didn't do it himself but he wouldn't listen to me. He keeps saying when he's ready to start looking, he will. I hate him being on his own. He deserves more than that. He's in his 40's and he's had one serious relationship all his life. I don't know what to do with him, he's a pain in the backside sometimes.

Up the pub we did get chatting to a couple of girls who used to come into our pub and they were saying they had been told by the new landlord that they weren't welcome there anymore because they were lesbians. How landlords can get away with something like that, I'll never know. It's sad and it's discriminating. If he had told a coloured person that they weren't allowed to drink in the pub anymore because he wasn't white, he would have been taken to court but because it's something more personal it's different.

Dad has told them when he has the new pub they are more than welcome. The pub isn't that far out of town so hopefully they will come every now and then. I enjoyed myself tonight, it was nice to go out for a drink and have a good time. It's also nice to know that some of the people who I made friends with from the pub are still my friends now. It's good to know I've got friends who actually seem to like me. It was weird with my friends before. They were all two faced and they only wanted me when they wanted something else. It was made pretty obvious too. So the people I'm making friends with down here are older and straight forward and I'm getting on great with them. Claire and Sarah, the couple from the pub even asked me to go for a drink with them one night. I said I'd think about it. To be honest I'm wondering if I'm sending out signals that I'm sexually mixed up. I've heard people talking about a gaydar and I'm wondering if that picks up sexually confused people because that's what I am, I'll even admit that.

I don't even know what attracts me about a person anymore. There's just something I can't place now. Is it their looks? No it isn't. Some of the 'people' I've fancied have been good looking, some haven't been but something attracted me to them anyway. I know Natasha wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world but there was something about her that drew me in straight away. It's kind of hard being attracted to someone you know you shouldn't be, especially when she's your best friend and you speak to her every night and have to hide what you're feeling. That's what it was like for me for nearly four years. I listened to her when she told me about the boys she fancied, I supported her when she had arguments with other friends. I held her when she cried about her parents divorcing and I never once let on that my feeling for her were more than friendship.

Today has been a little weird for me. I spent a long time wondering how I would tell my Dad I was a lesbian, if I am. I can't even tell him I had a miscarriage because then he would know I had sex with Tony. Until a few years ago I could talk to my Dad about anything, now it's so much harder. I don't know if it's because I'm older or just because we aren't as close now as we used to be. I think it's because I'm older because we are still really close. I even talked to my Dad about going on the pill, just after I started seeing Tony, so he knew I was hoping to sleep with him. The doctor wouldn't put me on the pill though, because he wanted to find out for definite if I had Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. That's how I got pregnant. Anyway back to how I would tell my Dad.... I would probably give him this journal and tell him to read it. It should tell him enough. Then I would be dreading his response. Would he be ok with it? Would he hit the roof? Would he disown me straight away? I do know that his opinion matters to me more than anything and if he disowned me I would be completely devastated and I would seriously worry about my mental state of mind.

Anyway I think that's enough about that. Rosalyn is coming down tomorrow and we are going to have a chat. She's been a little depressed lately so I'm hoping I can pull her out of it. I'm going to go now. Be back tomorrow.

Bye.

Continued in Part 6

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