by Muzza

Disclaimers: See Part 1.

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Copyright © 2004 by Ceri Murray. All Rights Reserved.

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Well today went pretty well. We finished decorating and started to move some electrical stuff in. The cooker, fridge and kettle weren't put into storage so that's in the flat now. I feel a little awkward using the furniture because when my Dad moves into the pub he's going to have to buy more and technically I'm the one who should be doing that. The furniture is my Dad's yet I'm having it because I got my flat first. I've tried to talk him out of it but he says he's happy to give it to me. So I'm having the three piece suite and he's having two spare chairs we had. Luckily we had two of nearly everything so the only things that are worrying me are the settee, fridge, cooker and freezer. I guess it's something we'll have to deal with when the time comes for Dad to move into the pub.

I found out whose living underneath me today. It's a lesbian couple. I also found out how noisy they can be when they are arguing. It's weird and I know it sounds stupid but nearly everywhere I turn there seem to be lesbians at the moment. I'm living in a block of flats with two, I made friends with a few when I was working in the pub and there are two in band. Natasha is one of them. Talk about a major kick in the teeth, that was a major shock. I don't feel any resentment or jealousy there though. Natasha and Tina aren't a couple and from what I can gather Natasha isn't involved with anyone but Tina is. I read somewhere that in your lifetime for every ten people you know, one will be gay or lesbian. I think through band most of the people I know are gay or lesbian. Some of my best friends are lesbians so don't think I've got anything against them. I'd be a bit stupid if I did have something against them when I haven't quite figured out which way I'm orientated. Sometimes I find myself looking at really good looking men and I wonder why I don't find them attractive. I go through stages where I wonder is my 'crush' on Natasha was more than a crush and my 'love' for Andrew was really the crush. I'm 23 and I can't figure out whether I'm attracted to males or females.... How sad is that? You never know I might actually figure it out by the time this project is finished.

I've been asking myself lately what are the things about maybe being a lesbian that worry me and I think the main thing is what will people think of me. I know that's a thing that goes through a lot of peoples head though. I have so many family members I don't want to disappoint. I honestly think the only person who might be ok with it would be my Dad, he is the most important person in my life anyway, so as long as he's ok with it then why should it matter what others think right? I'm the sort of person who worried about what people are saying about me behind my back. I'm worried that my Dad will suffer if I was a lesbian.

I've read that back and it really sounds like I'm living in denial and maybe I am but I'm so worried about making the wrong decision. I know I don't have a choice in who I find attractive or who I want to spend my life with but until I know for sure one way or another, I'm not going to accept one thing.

I don't know how I managed to get that far away from the topic of my flat either. I'm moving in quietly and I'm really excited.... I've got band practice tomorrow so hopefully that will take my mind of the flat until Tuesday.... only one more night in this flat with Debbie and David though, even without my bed and stuff I'm sleeping in the flat tomorrow.

Anyway I'm off now. Hopefully to have a good night sleep. I'll be back tomorrow.

Well band was good tonight. It went surprising well actually and we got a lot done, which is a good thing because the competitions start in a few weeks time. The band was really late starting back this year because we didn't have anywhere to practice so where we usually start in January we had to wait until April. Luckily a lot of the hard work was already done. Things like deciding what songs we're going to play. The glock section had been getting together to practice and they know what they are doing. The kazoos know what songs they are playing so all that needs to be worked on is the display and the drumming. The drumming is the easiest part, all we have to do is play along with everyone else. If everything goes this well for the rest of the month we'll be ready for the first competition. The first competition is also a big one. England Vs Wales. The best bands from Wales take on the best from England. England usually have the best bands but for the last couple of years the top bands have really under-performed in England Vs Wales, the top Welsh bands have pulled off some of the best performances though so Wales have won the last four meetings.... hopefully that will continue this year as well. It would be a great day for me because I've never marched on a victorious Welsh side.

Tina spoke to me a lot today, which I thought was a little weird, she only said hello to me last week. She's a really nice woman when you get to know her. We talked a lot about bands and she was surprised to find out I've been in bands for 15 years. She thought I was only about 17. Sometimes getting that sort of thing can be so annoying. Especially when I was buying alcohol for the pub and I was asked for I.D. Luckily I always carry some around with me so I never had the humiliation of being refused. I was told I only look 13 a few days ago, by someone who has known me since I was 7. I think she only said that to make herself forget how old she is getting though. Ok so maybe I look a little younger than I am but I do not look 10 years younger.

I may look younger than I am but mentally I'm a lot older. I had to grow up quickly living with my Dad and my grandparents. Sometimes I forgot what it was like to be a kid... I never had the fun my friends had, I never made the mistakes my friends made growing up. I got grounded by my grandmother for kissing a boyfriend when I was 14, so I didn't try it again until my first serious boyfriend when I was 18. I was always the person my friends turned to for advice about everything, even relationships, which was a laugh. How could I give advice on something I didn't have any experience with? I would have loved to have been a kid of a while... I can imagine it would have been fun.

I did have one of my crying fits today. I don't know what brought it on. I was just sitting on my bed and the tears just started coming. It was nearly 45 minutes before I managed to stop. I really have issues, don't I? Sometimes I wonder if I need to go and see a shrink. It might help me make some sense of my feelings, thoughts and just about anything else I'm having problems with. I hate being this timid, self-conscious and shy. My ex-boyfriend Tony kept telling my I was miserable, just because I didn't smile very often. I try to smile whenever I can but it always looks forced with me. I was told that every morning I should look in the mirror, smile and say I am confident to myself, I did that for 7 months and what for.... it didn't do anything, I just felt stupid.

See I totally changed the subject again. I was talking about band and I ended up talking about me seeing a shrink. I'm sorry if my thoughts are so jumbled they are confusing you, there isn't much I can do about it.

Now to totally change the subject again, I'm spending the first night in my flat now. All I have here is the cooker, fridge, microwave and a hi-fi. I'm sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and I couldn't be happier.

I think I did figure out that it's not going to be peaceful here though. I heard the couple downstairs having sex tonight. Not exactly the first night I wanted to have in my new flat but there we go. I was half tempted to tape it and post it through their letter box with a note asking the to keep it down next time. I decided not to. I would have died of embarrassment if that was me though. My view on sex is 'sex is something private that shouldn't be brought outside your home' that includes the vocals that go with it. I'm not sure if the whole block heard them last night, I've lived in a dormitory with six other girls who always had their boyfriends over and they were never that loud. The sex must have been great, is all I can think. ;-)

Anyway I've got a busy day tomorrow so I'm going to go. I'll write more tomorrow night, when I'll be nice and comfortable, hopefully in my own bed. I've really missed my bed and I can't wait to have it back.

Continued in Part 5

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