by Minerva

Disclaimer One: While this story can be considered Uber, there is some resemblance between the characters and those in Xena Warrior Princess. They do not belong to me but to MCA/Universal.

Disclaimer Two: Sex? Oh, yeah baby right now! Lots of it! Uhm, you mean in the story dontcha? Yeah, there's some in there too. Pssst! C'mere. It's between women. If that offends you, well, WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING THIS! There is also recollection of violence and some strong language. Oh, one more thing. There is a high angst warning for this one.

This story takes place about a month after the events in Under Her Spell. Lil and Catt are in Gary. Gabrielle is dealing with the ramifications of taking a life, and Tara has her own things she's battling. Their relationship is severely tested by emotions neither one will reveal. Jean, Gabrielle's mother is also thrown into the mix, making an interesting combination.

One more thing. For those who have been to Indiana, particularly Terre Haute or anywhere near it, you will get a kick out of the conversation between Lil and Red. For those of you who haven't been that way, just chalk it up as one of my little quirks.(g)

On with the Show!

Please Give Me Feedback!!!: minerva@e-scribblers.com.

Join my Yahoo Discussion Group for early previews: The Mindom.

Copyright © 2000 by Minerva. All Rights Reserved.

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The incident.

There had been barely any touching, any discussion, but there had been nightmares, tears, and strained silences. Tonight was to be no exception. The raven-haired woman choked back the strong remnants of guilt that had plagued her for the past month. 'I wasn't there then, but at least I can be there for her now. If only she would let me.' Tara shivered, remembering the closed look in her lover's eyes every time the subject was broached and how she turned away, distancing herself physically. She wanted so much to have been the one wielding the knife, watching Steve bleed. 'I should have been here.' Another familiar emotion, anger, rose to her throat with bile. Closing her hands into fist, she squeezed almost feeling nails puncturing the skin. 'Please God, help me. I have to do something or we won't survive this.' With the silent entreaty, she climbed out of the king-sized bed, stepping onto the cold floor to make her way into the bathroom to at least try.

Gabrielle huddled her half-dressed body on the floor between the sink and the toilet. The hot water gushed from the sink spigot, surrounding the room in warm mist, but despite that, her teeth chattered and her body shook. But, she wasn't cold on the outside. Inside, something had been torn, broken and it had died. She was soulless, feeling nothing now but pain and fear. Everything felt dulled, even her love for Tara. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she murmured to herself, "He's gone, and I killed him." She had taken a life. Another human being had died in front of her because of her and her need to sustain her own existence. Somewhere inside, she knew that was enough justification, but that knowledge was buried deep.

The days were somewhat normal, but it was at night that the dreams came, reminding her of a day she wished to forget. They were no longer of how it all happened; somehow they had become more twisted, heart-wrenching and deadly. She closed her eyes and willed her teeth to stop chattering and was assaulted with broken images that sent her running not an hour ago.

The large, sharp knife pinched her neck, making her flinch in pain. "You're mine now. Mine." With a rough hand, he shoved her face into the wall, bringing the knife come dangerously close to it's target. She heard the sound of him unzipping his pants. "All mine." Then he was inside, pumping, grunting, growling. "She won't want you anymore. No one will." He slammed her head into the wall over and over again. Until through her ringing ears, she heard his final grunt of pleasure. That's when the laughter began. Just as suddenly as it begun, it would stop only to turn into a soft sob. "How could you kill me? All I wanted to do was love you, be with you, and you killed me. You bitch!"

With one final hard knock into the wall, he spun her around. Gabrielle stared into blue eyes filled with madness. His lips were pulled back from his teeth in a horrible snarl as spittle flew from his mouth. He giggled gleefully as he watched the dim light glint off the blade. "Now, all I want to do is to kill you!" In agonizing slowness, she watched the oversized blade descend toward her chest, feeling it as it pierced skin, passed muscled, crunched into bone, and found it's mark. As if she was on the outside looking in, the woman even heard the gurgle of blood as it traveled up her throat out of her mouth.

"No, no nooo!" She screamed, trying to shake the images away. Small hands went toward frightened green eyes, covering them as tears wet the dry tracks of those that had come before.

Tara was galvanized into action by the sound. "Gabrielle!" She burst through the bathroom door to find the huddled form.

"Red! Baby?"

The younger woman sobbed, "T?"

The tall lanky form of her lover kneeled to the floor, moving slowly and cautiously toward the sobbing form. Reaching out a hand, Tara touched a raised knee and flinched herself when the other woman jumped.

"Shhh, baby. It's just me."

The deep throaty voice was a balm to the strawberry blonde's wounded soul. It pulled her from the trance like state. Lunging her whole body toward the figure in front of her, Gabrielle found herself engulfed in strong arms and surrounded by a warm but quivering body.

"Oh, God T. He won't get out of my head."

"Shhh, it's okay. I got you."

With the bathroom continuing to fill with steam, two figures sat curled up on the floor, gently rocking. Tara sucked in a relieved breath. 'She's gonna let me help. She's opening to me.' She breathed in the fragrance of the strawberry tresses and kissed them, trying to comfort them both. After a few more minutes, the dark-haired woman felt the body in her arms stiffen. 'I have to be strong, so I can handle this. She doesn't need to carry my baggage.' Gabrielle almost shook her head in agreement with the silent thoughts.

"Uh, T it's okay. Just a bad dream, and I can handle it."

The smaller woman pulled away from the tight embrace, hearing the taller woman sigh in exasperation. 'I know I'm hurting her, but she wouldn't understand. She wasn't there to see.' Gabrielle wiped the remaining tears away along with sweat. Getting up, she turned off the water and looked up at the woman that towered over her. "I'm okay really." She tried to curl the corners of her mouth into a small smile. It was a pitiful effort at best, and it didn't get past Tara. 'Why does she keep shutting me out like this. I know she blames me. Jesus Christ! She barely let's me touch her.' Tara wanted to scream in frustration.

"Red, you had another one didn't you?"

"Another what?"

"You know what I'm talking about, another nightmare about Steve."

Holding her hands up in a placating motion, she answered, "Listen, I told you it wasn't bad."

"You're lying! You get up out of bed, you scream in your sleep when you are there, and now you're screaming when you're awake. Can't you see that you need to talk about this! Why are you shutting me out?!"

"Don't you fucking listen?! I said I could handle it! It's none of your damn business anyway!"

Tara threw her hands in the air. "Wha-what do you mean none of my business? I sleep with you. I live with you in case you haven't noticed, and dammit I love you! Why won't you talk to me!?"

Gabrielle let out an aggravated growl that sounding dangerously close to a small scream. Jade green clashed with angry, hurt baby blue. So immersed in their own feelings, neither could see inside the other. Green radiated with fear and pain, while blue was full of guilt and loneliness. Gabrielle shook her head and shrugged small shoulders in annoyance. Turning on her heels, she walked brusquely out of the bathroom. Tara stared wide eyed. 'She's not gonna tell me.' Her heart plunged into her stomach as if fear yanked it from it's usual spot. Bile thick and sour rose in her throat, almost causing her to gag. They weren't going to make it. She could feel it as the cold crept over her, into her. Not without help. Silently, she walked toward the bedroom.

Blue eyes glanced down at the bed only to see a blanket and pillows missing. She swallowed and fought the urge to cry. It would be the first night they hadn't slept together in a long, long time. A wildly beating heart pushed and prodded her to follow the woman into the living room, guest room or wherever she went., but her head whispered that it was to no avail. She couldn't break through the walls of steel that had been erected around her lover's body, heart, and obviously her soul.

Gabrielle punched the pillows with a fist, in an effort to make them more comfortable. 'I could have gone to the spare bedroom,' she mused, 'but I don't want to be anywhere near her right now.' Sighing, she laid back, staring up at the ceiling. Sleep wasn't going to come, and she knew it. Resigned to her thoughts, their relationship was foremost in her mind. 'There was no way she could understand. I killed a man to be with her, to stay with her, to be happy with her. Maybe it was my time to go and leave this place, and I just cheated death. Maybe that's why he exacts his revenge in my dreams. 'She won't want you.' His words reverberated through her head. She closed her eyes, telling herself he could be right. 'Even though, she held me and has been trying to talk to me. It's all out of pity. Why would she want me? I'm a murderer.'

Forgetting the peace she felt moments ago in her lover's arms, she assured herself it was pity and wallowed in her own. Moving her head to the side, red-gold strands caught in the moisture spilling from her eyes. Hoping the tears had dried up during the past weeks, her hopes were dashed as old ones already shed only made room for more.

Tara stared at similar pieces of ceiling, letting wave after wave of guilt assault her. 'She turns away from me. She won't let me touch her, make love to her, and she won't talk to me. She blames me, and I can feel it that's the only explanation. I should have been there the moment I felt it something was wrong, but it was too late. He could have ra-raped her or even killed her. It hurt's just to think about it.'

Tara sat on the couch, alone, with the TV blaring gibberish. She nibbled absently on a peanut butter sandwich to fill a stomach that had stopped protesting long ago. Wiping at her eyes with a free hand, the woman could almost feel the droopy bags that had taken up permanent residence under them. Still, she knew that she looked minutely better than Gabrielle who had become gaunt and slim over the past month. Usually, somewhat chubby cheeks had become hollow, and the deep green of her eyes didn't sparkle with impending mischief.

She had tried and failed to get the strawberry blonde to eat a proper meal, but it seemed that she didn't want to listen just as much as she didn't want to talk. Last night had brought things to a head. She didn't know what to say or even know how to say it if she did. Sighing she switched the station to mindless videos. Looking up slightly, she spied the object of her thoughts heading for the couch. Trying her best to be obscure, Tara pretended not to notice. The slight form sat beside her with a flop, and she continued to nibble the sandwich. The dark-haired woman gazed out the corner of her eye toward the form next to her, waiting, watching, apprehending.

Gabrielle perched herself on the edge of the fluffy cushion, hoping at least to re-establish some form of cordiality after last night. Her mouth hardened when she realized that Tara was bent on ignoring her. Lacking the energy to sustain the anger, Gabrielle decided to go with her former plan, despite the tension surrounding them.

"Hey."

'Oh yeah, Red that was good. Show how much you're really care.'

Tara gobbled the last bit of the sandwich into her mouth and swallowed. "Hey," she muffled.

'Okay, we got that out of the way. Should we tear into each other now?'

Listening the inner voice, Tara turned slightly, expecting to see the walls around her lover physically erect themselves.

Feeling slightly bolder, Gabrielle pressed on. "Not going to work today?"

Tara did nothing to hide the tight, fake smile. "No, I took time off to be with you remember?" Muttering under her breath, she said, "Lot of good it's done since you won't let me."

Gabrielle was assaulted with a stab of anger and pain. Not knowing what else to do, she lashed out, almost sneering. "You know what? Why don't we just stop talking altogether, huh?" 'God, can I get a little understanding from her?'

Tara felt herself close up like a slamming door. "Fine by me. You haven't said anything worth listening to in a while anyway."

The writer bit into her cheek as the pain quotient increased, spilling into her chest. 'I don't understand why we're hurting each other. She won't freakin' listen to me, when I tell her I can handle things, and she's smothering me. I can't feel myself anymore. When I look into her eyes now, all I see is anger and. . . and something else, but I don't know what the hell it is. All I know is that it's turning her into someone I don't even know.' Small hands fisted in her lap as she shook strawberry blonde tresses from her eyes with a shake of her head. Glancing once more at her lover, she was met with the strong line of a chiseled jaw that worked back and forth in anger. At a total loss as to what to say or do, Gabrielle quietly got up to re-enter her new sanctuary, her office.

Tara closed her eyes. That was the drawback to knowing someone so well. You know what hurts, and as sure as she was sitting here, she saw the pain flash in emerald eyes when she answered the undoubtedly rhetorical question. Her head fell into her hands, and raven hair pooled around her face. Everything. Everything hurt like hell lately. They couldn't have a conversation, look at each other, or even barely touch. One was enough, but these things in combination were slowly becoming her undoing. Only because she could remember a time when talking, touches, glances were easy, almost second nature. Guilt reared its reoccurring head. 'All of this could've been prevented if I had just been there. She won't talk to me, open to me, or touch me because she knows I let her down.' Familiar anger burned her throat. 'I fucked up again, but I don't know how not to be mad. She's pushing me away, and I don't know what else to do.' She heaved a long exasperated sigh. 'Maybe I just need to get out of her way.' Raising her long frame, Tara headed to the bedroom to get dressed. She had to get out of the house for both their sakes.

Days passed, feeling like weeks. The silence between them reached and surpassed deafening. The couch had become Gabrielle's make shift bedroom at night, where she screamed out again and again, feeling the knife plunge into her womb. Knowing she would never become desensitized to the sound of her lover's pain, Tara sat up in a half empty bed listening, crying, and wanting to go comfort, but she knew a rebuff would be the only reaction. In the day, the strawberry blonde barricaded herself in the small office, drinking cup after cup of coffee, pretending to write. While during that time, Tara found a second home in her old apartment with Jake, where she cried and raged on his shoulder.

Gabrielle stared out the window, noticing the condensation there from the heat inside the house. Cocking her head to the side, she wondered if it was as cold as it looked. Her breathing stilled when she realized that she wouldn't know now just like she didn't know for the past month. She hadn't stepped a foot outside since giving her statement to the police. Using one of her favorite defense mechanisms these days, she rationalized, "It's safer in here." Despite what had transpired in the living room a few weeks before, she felt safest in her own home. Stepping outside was when the fear began. If she had never gone out that day, she would have never seen him. He would have never found her, and she would have never killed him.

She jumped, knocked from her reverie by the slamming of the door. Tara had left like she did most mornings now, and she knew that she wouldn't return until late evening. A familiar statement spilled into her thoughts, 'Why doesn't she understand?' She wanted so much to tell her what happened; how she felt; and how she didn't feel. Waves of unworthiness pushed against her. ' There is no way she could love me or want me. I'm a murderer, and I became one for her.' Gabrielle jumped again when the phone rang. Looking at the clock, she scrunched her brows together in an effort to figure out who would call so early. One name popped into her head. Lil. She cleared her throat and hoped she would sound cherry enough. She picked up on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Morning, sister sunshine!"

"Lil, get the stars out your eyes. It's dreary as hell here. It always is."

The younger woman chuckled. "You forgot to say it stinks too. You know that old corn smell?"

Gabrielle smiled despite herself. "Please, they refuse to admit that it exists. Personally, I think that people have just gotten used to it. Either that or they are the one's causing it."

The other woman laughed lightly. Then replied, "Mmm, now that we've finished with the small talk, how are you? I mean really?"

Gabrielle readied her pat answer, "I'm fine. Um, how are things going your way?"

The younger woman couldn't keep herself from smiling. "We're doing great. We had some issues to deal with and some talking to do, but I feel closer to her than I ever did."

Closer. They were closer, and they were further apart and falling into a deep, dark pit. Closing her eyes, the petite woman tried to fight down the emotion building within. It stuck like a golf ball sized lump in her throat. She swallowed trying to move it down but to no avail. Her breathing hitched.

"Gab?" Lil was only awarded with silence.

Then it quickened as pain, unhappiness, guilt and fear made it's way back up. Her spine tingled, and she felt the flush start at her neck, moving it's way up. Hot, unshed tears prickled in green eyes.

"Gab, you okay?" Still, there was nothing.

One by one, the tears spilled, made lines down her face, and dotted her shirt. She sniffed, trying to keep her nose from running.

It was then that Lil realized. "Oh God, Gab? Sweetie? Talk to me. Has it gotten that bad?"

She hiccupped and tried to stop the impending sobs, but like a damn breaking, they came. The silence was pierced by a loud sob, then another one and another, until the wailing began. She couldn't control it anymore. "God, Lil. It hurts so much, and I'm so scared." She paused trying to catch her breath. "I thought I could handle it on my own. Deal with what I did and what I've become. I-I pushed her away. Cuz-cuz I know she didn't really want to be here. How could she want to be with me? I ne-need her so much Lil, and now, I think she hates me!"

A few hundred miles away, the brunette plopped onto the couch, suddenly glad she was alone. It had gotten bad, and she had no idea how Gab was feeling. The jumbled speech made her more confused than ever. "Gab, shhhh. She couldn't hate you. Shhh, I want you to calm down. You're gonna make yourself sick." She heard the muffled sound of moving around. "You know you can't go on like this don't you?

"I-I know, but I don't know what to do." She wiped at her eyes with a Kleenex.

"Maybe you need to go talk to someone. . ."

"No! That's not an option Lil. I can't. I can't talk to T, so what makes you think I could talk to a stranger? I wouldn't know where to start."

"It was just an idea. Maybe mom will be able to help. You know offer a fresh perspective for you both, and she'll be there in a couple of days."

She blew her nose before she answered. "Maybe. It couldn't make things worse. I don't think."

They talked for a few more minutes. Gabrielle hung up feeling emotionally drained and raw.

Tara lay on her brother's couch, staring at her own little piece of ceiling and counted 1,201 holes so far. Jake rolled his eyes and sighed. She was trying to hide it, but he hadn't seen her this distraught in. . .well a long, long time. He could see behind the dry humor and quick wit like no one else could, except maybe Gabrielle.

"You know Jakie, if you didn't look so good as a woman you might find a good gay man." She paused. "Next on Jerry Springer." Then she laughed at her own joke.

Jake decided to push through the subterfuge today. 'She's been coming over for the past few days and hasn't really said a thing.'

"T?" Blue eyes like his looked up in acknowledgement. "Shut the hell up," he deadpanned. "You've been coming over here for days now with that sick look in your eyes. You've talked, talked, and talked and managed not to say a damn thing. So, do you want to tell me what's going on?"

She lowered her head until her chin rested against her chest and mumbled, "Nothin'."

Jake got up from the chair. Pushing her legs off the couch, he sat next to her. Unceremoniously, she deposited her feet in his lap.

"Bullshit. Who do you think you're talking to? You've been spending most of your days with me, and I know I ain't that interesting. And you sure as hell don't miss me that much."

She scowled at her brother. Then said again, "It's nothin'. Just need to get away is all."

"Unh-huh, what did you do?"

She jumped up outraged at his implications. "Wha-What did I do? She's the one that won't talk to me!"

Crystal blue eyes shined back at him in triumph and mirth.

"Asshole."

"Yup, but I'm a smart one. Now spill it."

Releasing a breath, she disturbed dark bangs. "I don't even know where to start."

"Try---"

"Yeah, yeah I know at the beginning." She sighed. "Well, after what happened with this Steve guy, I just expected. . .I don't know to feel relieved that she was okay. I thought we would talk about, and I would help her get through whatever she was feeling. It didn't turn out that way. She won't even talk to me Jakie, and it's just turned into a big ass mess. All this shit would have never happened if I'd stayed with her that day. I should have been there!" Large hands ran irritably through the black mane. "I could have stopped this, but I had to take my ass to the shop out of some sense of duty, even when I knew things were slow as fuck. I just should have stayed home," she finished disgustedly.

Jake pursed his lips, listening intently. "Okayy, first of all. She killed a man T. Stabbed him dead, so she's dealing with her own shit, you know? We don't know what he said or what all he did to her. You, sis, will just have to be patient and more than a little understanding.

He paused and looked into the eyes the same color blue to make sure she was listening. He was met with an eager glance.

"As for you, T, you are only human, and it's kinda normal to feel guilty after something like this. Look at it this way. If you had been there, who's to say he wouldn't have killed you both? Who's to say he wouldn't have waited until you went to the store, over here, or anywhere? Who's to say?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed in irritation. "I understand all of that, but I also need to think about the what ifs. Either way none of it is helping. She won't talk to me, and for all I know, she blames me for not being there, when I said I always would."

He nodded his head in understanding. "Listen, all I got to say is listen to her. Don't talk over her. Just listen and talk to her."

"I've been trying!"

"Try harder," he simply said.

They talked, and she cried on his shoulder as he wiped the tears away. Finally, she left late in the afternoon.

Coming in from the semi-darkness outside, Tara opened the door to a dimly lit living room. Azure eyes spied a figure huddled up in blankets on the couch in front of a silent, flashing television. She sat down beside the small form of her lover. The strawberry blonde didn't even turn her way, but she had to expect that after the argument between them several days ago.

"Um, Jake sends his love."

Gabrielle turned slightly toward the other woman.

"How's he doing?"

"The same smart ass as ever," Tara replied hoping to at least get a slip of a smile.

Nothing.

They slipped into the customary silence. The dark-haired woman lowered her head. 'I just don't know what to say, and I'm tired of fighting with her.'

Gabrielle rubbed her hand against her clothed leg. 'I don't have the energy to do this. I wish she could just understand.'

The younger woman turned to look at her lover and found troubled blue eyes staring back at her. She missed those eyes. It seemed so long since she had seen happiness in them, since she had seen herself. How had they come so far from the loving path that they were following? There was no laughter, playing or togetherness anymore. There was only a somber blanket of wariness. Gabrielle pulled her eyes away to again stare sightlessly at the TV. Tara bit the inside of her cheek. There was nothing left to do save for trying.

"Red, we need to talk,"

Emerald green slowly turned back toward her. "Yeah, we do."

Not knowing what else to do, Tara went in head first. "You're shutting me out."

The strawberry blonde shook her head sadly. "All I want is for you to understand and give me some time to deal with all of this myself."

"Yeah, but you don't have to go it alone because that's what I'm hear for." She didn't try to hide the thickness in her voice.

"Do you know me at all? If you did, you would know that I have to come to terms with what's inside me before I let it out. Why can't you understand that? All you seem to care about is what you want and what you want me to do," the younger woman said with rising anger. She tried to swallow it down, the anger, but it reared its head anyway, coursing through her veins.

Tara closed her eyes and saw red. She gritted her teeth and slowly counted to ten. It didn't work, so she seethed. "Look Red, I don't wanna fight with you. I don't have the fucking energy!"

"Then walk away like you've been doing!"

Guilt struck hard, ringing in her ears. She had to get away from it, if only for a little while. Letting out a growl, she propelled herself from the couch. Midnight tresses swung around with the rest of her body. "Fine! Don't expect me to come back tonight and put up with this!"

She turned again and headed for the door.

"Where are you going!?" The other woman screamed desperately. Fear permeated her heart along with the anger.

"Out!"

She left with a slam of the door.

Gabrielle was left alone with her thoughts, with her battle just like she wanted. Small hands went to her flushed face, and she wondered if Tara coming back at all. 'She does hate me.'

For hours, Tara drove aimlessly through the darkened streets. Her thoughts were a jumble mass of Jake's advice and her lover's screaming words. She cranked up the music to drown it all out. She turned onto the highway and decided that she needed something else to drown it all out. The bar at R' Place sounded really good right now.

The pulsing beat of the music and raised voices were a welcome sound. Brushing off her jeans and adjusting her sweater, she sauntered over to the bar, weaving through the dancing couples. The leather coat found a home on the back of a bar stool. With a nod of her head, she beckoned the bartender over, oblivious to the stares of the female patrons.

"Hey beautiful. What can I get you?

Tara gave him her best effort at a smile. "You're new," she exclaimed over the music. "Where's----"

"He's on vacation, so you're stuck with me, handsome. My name's Chris. What'll it be?"

"A pitcher of whatever you have on tap along with a mug and keep them coming."

"Whatever you say. Be right back."

Tara guzzled beer after beer until her brain felt decidedly fuzzy. There were no thoughts of Gabrielle, no feelings of guilt, just a faux sense of bliss. Beer sloshed over the side of the mug as she chatted with the bartender.

"Women!"

The bartender looked at her inquisitively. "What about them?"

"Jus-women!" She slurred. With her elbows on the bar, she wiggled her hips to the beat of the music.

A table of women close to the gyrating woman watched appreciatively, daring each other to make an approach. A petite blonde took the dare. Licking her lips, she studied the raven-haired woman's tall, lanky form before approaching her. Then she made herself comfortable in a stool beside Tara.

"Hey Chris! The next round for the lady here is on me."

He looked from one woman to the other with a hint of a grin and nodded his head.

Tara could feel eyes boring into her. Turning to the left and looking down, she stumbled across moss green eyes with a predatory gleam shining in them. They were so much. . .no she refused to think about her. With hooded eyes, she gave the woman the once over. Opening baby blues fully, she smirked at the other woman's gasp. The smirk turned into a smile as she watched the woman's throat bob up and down in a swallowing motion.

"I'm Cleo, and you are?"

Tara's smile turned into a sexy, toothy grin "Whoever you need me to be."

Deep inside she balked at the words that spilled from her lips. A muffled voice screamed that this was wrong, but it had been dulled by alcohol and pain. She longed for contact, just a touch, to make her feel alive again. The eyes. They reminded her so much of the woman that she wanted to do the touching, so her hazy mind settled.

The blonde interrupted her reverie when she quipped, "I need you to be mine tonight."

The inaudible voice continued to ring throughout her head, and she continued to ignore it's plea. After all, it was just a dance. With a jerk of her chin, they moved to the make shift dancefloor. Grabbing the blonde's hips from behind, Tara pulled the woman into her body. She bent at the knee, pulling the her into a deep grind. Small hands caressed her arms then moved up to wrap around her neck and run through inky tresses. Large hands traced the span of the blonde's hips then raked over her flat stomach. Their bodies remained sensuously entwined throughout the song and a few more, stopping when their bodies were covered with a light sheen of sweat. The two women returned to sit at the bar. Their legs touched, and the blonde increased the connection by stroking Tara's thigh.

"I still didn't catch your name."

"That's because I'm not gonna throw it."

Instead of the aloof, cool attitude spurning the woman, she became more intrigued than ever. She decided to push the envelope. "I don't live far from here. You want to come over for a. . . drink?"

Tara took a healthy swig out of the mug. She had sobered up some, and the voice was louder. 'What the hell am I doing? I practically fucked this woman on the dance floor because she looked like Red. But, God, it felt so good to touch and be touched like that. It's been so long. I'm gonna explode if things stay like this. I need something. I need somebody.'

"Yeah, let's go."

Ten minutes later, Tara stood in a semi-lighted apartment.

"Have a seat right in there." The blonde pointed.

"No, if it's okay I'll follow you," Tara replied.

They walked quietly into the kitchen, and the taller woman watched as the blonde extracted two beers from the fridge. Leaning back against the counter, Tara sipped her beer. She looked down curiously as the other woman walked over and began playing with a belt loop on her jeans.

"You know my friends dared me to come talk to you. I would say things turned out rather well."

Cleo took the beer from the dark-haired woman's grasp and sat it on the nearby counter. She pushed up against the tall frame and wrapped her arms around a graceful neck. Tara swallowed. 'Can I do this? I love her. God knows I do, but I need this. She doesn't have to know.' Small, strong hands pulled the dark head down until their lips touched. Tara growled in satisfaction. Pushing the woman back into the sink on the opposite side, she deepened the kiss. The smaller woman hopped up and wrapped strong legs around the taller woman's waist. Dark eyebrows scrunched. Something wasn't right, and she knew that she couldn't do it. The lips and taste were different. The body in front of her didn't fit into her like it should, and the legs around her waist were lacking. It wasn't Red, and it was all wrong. Tara wrenched her lips away as shame flooded her face.

She moved away until her lower back bumped into the counter. With her chest heaving, wide blue eyes skittered about, looking everywhere but the other woman's face.

"L-Look, I can't do this. I'm sorry, but I can't," Tara pleaded as anger colored the other woman's features. Before the other woman could speak, Tara ran for the door.

Gabrielle looked up at the wall clock. It was almost 6am, and Tara hadn't called or shown up. Fear and anger nagged at her gut. Despite the fighting, they were still a couple, and they still lived together, which entailed certain responsibilities. For tonight, she had obviously shirked them. 'Maybe, I've pushed her to far, or maybe, I've really neglected to see her side of things. I've really haven't been giving her what she needs. No, no, that doesn't give her an excuse to do this to me, staying out all night. She could be lying somewhere dead, so she should have called.' Gabrielle sighed. Her heart and head felt so heavy like the weight of the universe was upon them. Raising up her knees, she pulled the night shirt down her legs, wrapping her arms around them. Anger nested and seemed to make a permanent home in her belly. There was nothing left to do but to wait and wish that she had someone to talk to. At this moment, Gabrielle hoped the days were quick to her mother's arrival.

Tara pulled over into an empty parking lot. She wiped away tears that had been steadily falling since she left the blonde's house. Letting out a frustrated growl, her fisted hands met the steering wheel with a continuous thump. She took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself. It worked a little. She turned on the interior light and pulled a mirror toward her. Shame and guilt fought for supremacy as she took in lip stick smeared, swollen lips and red eyes. Tears fell anew. 'I'm such an idiot! How could I do this to her?! Oh, God please forgive me. I just needed. . . I need her.'

Her face fell hidden by black hair. 'I love her. She's my life, and I almost threw my life away. Why? Why couldn't I see?' Things that were once cloudy now seemed crystal clear. With this hit and miss situation, Tara learned that she was only human, making her prone to selfishness. 'All of this was about my guilt and making me feel better. Browbeating Gabrielle and kissing that woman was all about me and assuaging my guilt at not being there.' She stared out the windshield in wonder. The question was now could their relationship be salvaged? Tara swiped angrily at the lipstick on her lips and answered her own question. "I've gotta try." She started the car and drove off toward

Part II

The sky was rich in oranges and reds despite the impending coldness of the winter's day. Tara looked up at the sky as she let herself in quietly to keep from waking her lover. Nonetheless, she was surprised to see the petite woman sitting on the couch looking straight at her. Tara's hands shook as she deposited the keys in her pockets and threw her jacket in a nearby chair. She discreetly wiped her mouth and sniffed to see if all the vestiges of Cleo were gone. 'Please don't let anything go wrong.' She felt jade green eyes scorching her as they watched her progress to the couch.

Gabrielle felt anger explode behind her eyes. The other woman looked rumpled and smelled of alcohol. 'She went out and got drag out drunk.' The writer gritted her teeth to keep from snarling, but it came out sounding harsh anyway. "Where the hell were you?"

Tara turned to answer. She saw the anger mirrored in the beautiful face. Over the past few weeks that look had incited her own anger, now, there was only a sense of calm and nervousness.

"I-I went to the bar."

"So to hell with me right? You couldn't call because all you wanted to do was get pissy drunk?"

"It wasn't like that Red. I just needed to get away for a little while."

"You stayed out all night!"

Tara hung her head, making Gabrielle take a closer look. She seemed. . . .the strawberry blonde couldn't quite put her finger on it. She sighed in frustration. It hurt so much. It all just hurt too much. Who knew it hurt like this to love? The smaller woman massaged the bridge of her nose then got up. She pulled her night shirt down a little and added, "Look, I'll be in my office trying to get some work done." She turned and headed for her office.

'It's now or never T.' In three big steps, the older woman stopped close behind her lover, gently grabbing her arm. She said a prayer of thanks when Gabrielle didn't pull away.

"Red?"

"What?" She replied irritably then spun around to face her.

Blue latched onto green. Tara tried to relate all the guilt and all the love in one look.

"I love you."

Pale brows shot up in confusion. "Wha-?"

"I love you Gabrielle," she whispered softly.

A sob fell from the petite woman's lips, and she pressed the back of the free hand against her mouth. However, her eyes said it all. In a little over a month in the aftermath of all that had happened, they had neglected to really say those three words to each other. They were a balm to her heavy soul, making it feel just a little lighter. Tara pulled the sobbing woman into her arms. If felt so good to have her there again. She tightened her hold. "I've missed this. I've missed you."

"Oh, God," was the younger woman's reply. "Missed you so much."

Gabrielle buried her face in her lover's neck. She kissed the skin lightly and took in the spicy scent that she had missed. Tara cradled the red-gold topped head and kissed the fragrant hair. The younger woman raised her head, peering into clear blue. She didn't bother to wipe her tears away as she whispered, "I love you too." The dark head bent, seeing quivering, full lips that she had to taste. She put a long finger to pouty lips to calm them then her head descended to offer even more comfort. Lips brushed and lifted like a soft, whispy cloud. It felt great to be home again. She covered her lover's lips once more, feeling out of practice. Tara reveled in the fact that she was finally allowed to touch and love. If only for a little while, she felt full again.

The strawberry blonde's insides quaked in awe. 'This is what I've been missing out on, her strength and love, and maybe, it's what I needed all along.' Where her mind had denied her, her body sought after contact now, burrowing into the lanky form in front of her. Small hands grasped broad shoulders and held on for dear life. Never had she thought that one little kiss could be so sweet and so full of love. Lips brushed and lifted again and again, making her whimper with each caress. She could taste her own salty tears as the drops made their way passed their sealed mouths. It only served to make it feel more new. Gabrielle murmured in contentment and in acknowledgment of the magic of the moment.

The two lips under hers felt like the finest of silk. Tara couldn't help wanting more. It had been so long since they had touched like this, kissed like this. Some voice deep inside told her they should talk and take one step at a time, but the need out weighed reason. She knew this would fix nothing, but it might be enough to reconnect them and bring them closer. Lifting her head from the kiss, Tara found her hands caressing the face so close to her own. Both pairs of eyes reflected wonderment. The taller woman's sensitive fingertips ran along the length of her lover's jaw until they found the warm moistness of lips again. She ran sensitized pads over the bottom lip, feeling it part from its twin, and dipped in just a little, caressing the satiny inside. A tingle of awareness started from deep inside and worked its way from fingers to toes. She continued to peer into green as she repeated the caress. Her eyes held a tentative question that only the woman before her could answer. 'May I have more?'

Where her insides had quaked before, now they turned to mush. With one touch, it brought with it a flash of arousal. It was something she hadn't felt or couldn't feel in over a month. Perhaps, she needed to be touched, revered, and loved. Maybe, both of them did, just to reconnect with the closeness that had been lacking. Gabrielle saw the question gleaming in the eyes before her and decided to give an answer. She took the larger palm into her two smaller ones and pushed the invading finger further into her mouth. A hot, silky tongue branded it with swirls around the tip and a gentle suck. Green eyes sparkled as the answer was registered. Tara shivered as pleasure wound its way up her spine in sneaky tendrils, and then let out an involuntary whimper at the feel of wet heat surrounding her appendage. Arousal thick like honey and just as sweet flooded her being, collecting between her legs.

Urgency came along with it, but she stilled herself against it in an effort to take things slow. That idea was blown all to hell when the petite woman wrapped a hand around her neck and pulled her head down. Gabrielle made sure lips engulfed the finger then allowed it to slide out sensuously. With the tip of her tongue, she licked Tara's bottom lip in a request to open. She obliged her and lips opened moistly over each other. Gabrielle's moan was muffled as breathing hitched and accelerated. The tips of tongues played teasingly before battling in a war for control. Lips crushed together urgently, unevenly, and they drank from each other ravenously. A growl was torn from Tara's throat. The sound shot directly to the other woman's groin, signaling the beginning of its pulsation. Wrapping her hands around the small, muscular back, Tara moved them backward until the far wall stopped them. She then steadied herself with arm against it.

Gabrielle groaned at the feel of the other woman so close. She'd missed this too, the passionate intensity. Her body hummed and felt taught like an electric wire. She arched her back, jutting out hard-tipped breast, and they rubbed against the corresponding pair, making her knees all the weaker. She refused to release her hold on the lips, but the need for breathing demanded it. Wrenching her mouth away, she sucked in much needed breath, even though they were ragged. Eyes met and smoldered just like their need. Gabrielle's hands found a home in dark tresses. All she could think about was more to make her feel, to make her fly, and eventually bring her to ground.

Between harsh breaths, she whispered huskily, "Touch me."

Foreheads met and breaths mingled. Tara bent at the knee in a quiet request for firm thighs to wrap around her, and the request was honored. Her large hands caressed creamy thighs to the apex. She could feel the tremble of muscle in the wake of her touch and groaned in understanding. Her hands found purchase in the back, under her lover's nightshirt. Tara whimpered, realizing that she had just met naked skin. She palmed the twin globes of flesh and squeezed harshly, separating them for a second to let cool air blow over her heated center.

"Oh God, yess!" Gabrielle cried.

Tara's head swam as wetness teased the tips of her fingers. Her eyes spied the delectable flesh where neck met shoulder. She bit into it, and then licked away the traces of pain. The resulting moan from the woman that she was holding made her all the wetter, especially when she felt the beginnings of a grind from the other woman's hips. She groaned in frustration because it wasn't enough. She wanted her naked, writhing, and moaning. Leaning her against the wall for support, Tara removed the woman's nightshirt to reveal erect pink nipples and sweaty, soft skin. Feeling like it was the first time that she saw such a sight, she stared in wonder. The swells lifted and flushed before her eyes, and Tara licked her lips in anticipation. She frowned when she felt a small flutter. Looking down, blue eyes spotted small hands busy at her fly, and green eyes twinkled sheepishly back at her. Gabrielle slid down her lover's body until her feet touched the floor once more. Then after more fumbling, her fly was unbuttoned and jeans slid down impossibly long legs. She stepped out of them and immediately felt those same hands tugging up her sweater.

"Wanna see you," the petite woman said as she lifted the sweater up and over her lover's head.

Not saying a word, Tara gave her free reign. Quick hands made their way to her naked torso. Ducking her head, Gabrielle was eye level with hard brown tipped breast. Her mouth watered with the need to reacquaint herself with the taste. Without another thought, her lips engulfed the nipple, twisting it in her lips as she twisted the other with fingertips. Her body shuddered at the feel of rigid flesh. She sucked the nipple in slowly but firmly, and she shivered again as the woman towering over her cried out. Wet heat in abundance spilled from her loins onto her thighs. Her center radiated with life as nether lips thickened along with the swelling clit. Blood roared through her ears in combination with the hard thump of her heart. It had been too long. Way too long.

Tara slumped her body into her lover, giving her better access, and one arm against the wall kept her from sliding to the floor. A long fingered hand urged the woman on as she pressed the back of the strawberry blonde head into her breasts. She groaned at the loud, wet sucking sounds and wished she could see the look on her lover's face that went along with the little whimpers of enjoyment. Her hips surged forward with each suck that seemed to devour more and more of her breast. Her nose flared at the smell of sex and arousal thick in the air. She could almost taste it and wanted to wallow in it. Deciding to settle, she leaned her lover against the wall once more, and used the free hand to lift a creamy thigh over and around her own, leaving the other to graze her own mound. Arching her own leg upward, she met intense heat and dripping moisture. It made her breath catch on an impending moan.

"Mmmm, so wet."

Nether lips hidden behind curly auburn hair felt swollen, engorged against her skin. She moved her leg in a circular motion and was rewarded with a sharp whimper and an increase in suction. Gabrielle moaned long and harsh as liquid fire rolled through her blood in the form of pleasure. She pressed down and rode the obliging thigh shamelessly, proudly. The urgency returned. She squeezed the nipple in her hand, pulling the tip, and correspondingly her hot, pink tongue traced the other globe of erect flesh as she suckled it deeper. Gabrielle could feel the flesh throb and swell in her mouth, which served to make her hotter, wetter, and ride harder. Wet lips slid along the strong thigh, generating an incredibly erotic friction. Their sweaty bodies thrust into each other wildly. The strawberry blonde's free hand scorched a trail of fire down her lover's back with short fingernails. One larger hand found a home upon a firm, round buttock, kneading the flesh as she urged the gyrations on. The air was filled with the sounds of grunts and whimpers.

The thigh in between Tara's legs only served to tease the aching flesh there only grazing it lightly, but the constant moist pull at her breasts and the sounds of her lover's enjoyment pushed her higher, making the backs of her legs tingle.

"Oh yeah baby, c'mon," she exclaimed hoarsely.

Gabrielle's mind reeled, and the voice of her lover pushed her to new heights. Her skin felt tight, hot and slick with sweat, and pleasure burst from between her legs, radiating outward. Her sex felt as if it was on fire with the delightful rubbing of swollen flesh on smooth skin. She could feel oblivion reaching out for her, wanting to comfort her in warm arms. She opened herself to it by gyrating wildly, pummeling her center with electrical charges that shot throughout her body. It started as a sunburst behind her eyes. The warmth she saw enveloped her body, flooding it with heat. With a few more jerks, the convulsions started as indescribable pleasure mingled with the heat already pumping through her blood. She bit into the nipple in her mouth and screamed into the convenient globe as she shuddered. She had gotten her wish. She was flying.

Tara moaned gutturally as the juices spilled over her thigh. It triggered the oozing of her own. The sound of her lover's pleasure; the vehement suckling of her breast; and the teasing thigh were enough, just enough to send her over. Fingernails dug into a plump cheek as she held on for dear life. A rumble started in her chest and worked its way out into a loud yelp as orgasm slammed through, devastating her in the most erotic of ways.

Her slack body leaned forward covering the one in front of her. She felt the slight weight of the smaller woman against her, as well as soft kisses punctuated by whimpers against her throat. Usually sturdy legs shook as she tried to remain standing, but she was helpless, not able to do anything but follow the slowly descending body before her. The strawberry blonde had gotten another wish fulfilled. She was grounded, at least for the time being.

Making it to the bedroom sometime later, the morning and most of the afternoon was filled with the re-discovery of sounds, smells, touches, and the use of tongues, mouths, and fingers. The room was filled with everything from quite murmurs of love to yelps of satisfaction. After all was said and done, Tara found herself holding her petite lover as they drifted off into much needed sleep.

His eyes bored into hers as the knife descended into her stomach. . . "Noo!" Gabrielle jerked awake holding her belly. She wiped at the sweat and tears that stained her face, and green eyes looked around the dark room frantically just to make sure the dreamscape was no more. She pushed her hands through her hair in an effort to clear her head. It always seems so real.

Tara jerked awake at onset of the scream. She sat up quickly in the bed and saw her distraught lover heaving breathlessly while frantic eyes scanned the room. The dark-haired woman scooched up a little to get closer the shaking form. She reached out a hand and felt reluctance flood her. Deciding another approach, she softly whispered the other woman's name, "Red?" Not getting an answer, she touched her anyway. Reaching out a hand again, she covered a rounded shoulder. She felt wiry muscle tense under her touch, but Gabrielle didn't pull away. That was at least something. The smaller woman turned around to face her lover. Tara saw the pain in the red eyes that were still tearing. Going on pure instinct, she pulled the woman into her arms.

For just a moment, Gabrielle felt safe, but as the seconds ticked away, she questioned the right to be that way in someone's arms. Unable to help herself, she wiggled away from the embrace. She looked into sky blue eyes and saw the hurt there.

"I'm sorry. I just---"

"I know, but I'm gonna be honest with you and tell you that it still hurts."

Jade eyes widened. 'Does she understand now?' "Do you know. . .I mean understand?"

"I'm tryin' to Red, and I'm gonna try to be more patient too. You just have to bare with me is all."

"What happen to make you like this?"

"Let's just say that I found clarification at the bottom of a beer mug."

Gabrielle attempted a watery smile.

"Hey Red, you alright?"

"Yeah, I'll live." Small hands wiped again at old tears.

"You hungry?"

"Uhm," She patted her stomach then looked up sheepishly. "I could eat."

Tara snorted and gave her lover a small smile.

"That's my Red."

They sat on the couch legs folded underneath, devouring omelets and having the first real conversation in a long while.

"I talked to Lil."

"Oh, really how is her new little family fairing?"

"From what I got, things were rocky at first, but they worked it out.

"That's good. Where was---"

"She was still at the sitter's."

"Ah, you know me so well."

Somber green glanced into blue. "Yeah, sometimes I do."

Tara looked at her inquisitively and was about to speak. The wave of a small hand stopped her. She needed to change the subject away from the lately volatile personality of her lover, not wanting to argue. "You miss her don't you?"

"Who?" Tara asked, a little thrown by the abrupt change of subject.

"Jamie."

Tara couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I miss her something awful."

The red gold head hung. "Um, this thing that happened postpones a lot of things now."

"You mean the baby? Oh, Red I wouldn't think of bringing a baby into our world right now with the way we've been acting.'

With unshed tears making her eyes glisten, Gabrielle stared at her lover. "I'm sorry."

Tara reached over and wrapped a red-gold lock around her finger. "Hey, it's okay. We'll have plenty of time for that. I'm not going anywhere."

The strawberry blonde shifted a little closer. "Thank you for trying to understand and for today too. We needed that closeness and intensity back. I felt it go a while ago."

"Yeah, I know." Tara tried to hide the flash of guilt as she thought about the closeness that she was about to share with Cleo. 'I don't think that I could have gone through with it anyway. I would have never been able to look her in the eye again.' Clearing her throat, she added, "I don't think either one of us could have kept going the way we were. It was like adding pain on top of pain."

They talked about everything, almost everything, and nothing while watching late night cartoons, cherishing the banter that had returned however awkward it was. Once again, the bed was occupied by them both.

Jean Howard argued with her husband most of the night, but she knew that she had to get to Terre Haute as soon as possible, despite how much he wanted her to wait. He had said she was an adult and needed time to herself, but a mother knows when her child is hurting or in need. They got that power when the kids grew into their terrible twos. Once she helped to get Gabrielle get the aid that she needed, she had to find out what was going on with Lil. The child had been acting positively strange lately. Graying hair moved slightly as she shook her head in concern.

She looked into the deceptive sun as it continued to rise in the early morning sky. It reflected off the waxed surface of the Lincoln and bounced off the windshield as she turned onto the highway.

Swallowing, she felt a nervous flutter in her stomach, instantly knowing the cause. She was going to see Tara again. There was no avoiding it because her daughter ate with her, slept with her, and lived with her. The tall young woman seemed to be intelligent, and despite her best efforts it still disturbed her that she was a woman. A woman in love with her daughter, who swore that she was happy. Happy. Jean remembered the way Gabrielle glowed around the other woman. It was damned hard to miss. She was hear to help her daughter get help and come to terms with traumatic events, but it looked as though that she also came here to help herself accept her child's lover.

Part III (Conclusion)

With the sun just waking and shining brightly, Jean Howard pulled up to her daughter's house. She stretched within the confines of the car, feeling the tiredness due to the early morning hour. It looked quiet from the outside, but looks can be deceiving. The woman had learned that the hard way over the past few months. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for the unexpected and switched off the car with a flip of her wrist.

With a blanket wrapped around her small frame, Gabrielle sat on the couch, mesmerized by the glare of the TV but not really seeing it. They were both early to rise, tired but snatched from the arms of further sleep by the familiar nightmare. She burrowed her nude form deeper into the blanket and yawned as her sleepy mind went over the events of the day before. The tiny voice inside, telling her that she wasn't worthy of happiness, was silenced by Tara's touch, at least for a little while. Still, the nightmare remained. It had to be a sign, letting her know that she couldn't run or hide behind love that she didn't deserve any longer.

'She told me that she understands now, but I haven't earned anything that she's given me. I treated her like shit and pushed her away. In return, she held me; loved me; touched me; and God, took me to heaven and back. If revenge is what he wants from me, then he's sure as hell getting it.' Emerald orbs closed as waves of tiredness and pain lapped against her body. Balling her hands into fists, she tried to beat down the rush of tears that she could feel coming. They stung her nose and eyes as they came anyway, making her feel lost and alone. The petite woman longed to shout the injustice of it all up into the sky, but she settled for a discreet whimper. These feelings felt as though they were never going away.

Hot water beat down upon supple skin, and Tara scrubbed vigorously at her flesh as if trying to make it new. However, the water didn't penetrate it and neither did the soap. Guilt made her feel sticky and unclean. She hadn't traded one guilt for the other. They had been combined, making her feel all the dirtier. So, she scrubbed on. Fat droplets of water fell in her face from her dripping hair and pulsating shower head as she bent to rub clean new flesh.

Like an eerie echo, a disembodied voice whispered in her ear. 'Cheater. Traitor. You've never been there for her. Never!

"No!" She whispered huskily.

The weight on her shoulders became overbearing, pushing her to a kneeling position in the shower stall. The stinging hot water pummeled her back like little punishing fist, and soaked wet blackness covered her face as tears mingled with the droplets already falling. She was tired of crying; tired of hurting; and tired of hurting others. Sobs racked her frame. In between the tears she whispered into the water.

"So selfish. . .got to make it up to her."

She covered her knees with her arms and tried to stave off the shivering that shook her frame, despite the heat. Finally, reaching out, she grabbed the bar embedded into the wall and pulled herself up. On wobbly legs, Tara blinked the water from her eyes and hiccupped as the tears and sobs dried up. Switching the knobs off, she continued to stand in the damp stall.

"Just wanna hold her. Gonna make it all up to her," she said, barely convincing herself.

Tara stood there gathering courage as water dripped from her hair and body.

Angrily, Gabrielle wiped away the tears. Her philosophy had always been that 'things happen for a reason.' She almost snorted. 'If that's true, then someone should tell me what and why the hell this is going on, and I don't want to hear that bullshit about making us stronger.' She wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. After all they had been through, the fears and her parents, this could bring them down. A man bringing down a lesbian relationship, and it had to be a man she hardly knew. Her strawberry blonde head shook in disbelief.

Jean stood outside the door, rubbing her hands together for warmth. After squelching a yawn, she took a couple of deep breaths and decided to just dive in. Knocking softly on the door, she took a step back and waited.

Russet colored eyebrows scrunched at the ringing of the door bell. She didn't try to rack her brain to figure out who it could be. Wrapping the blanket around her naked form, she got up to answer it. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"Mom?"

Jean smiled at her oldest daughter. "Hi, honey. I thought that it wouldn't hurt to come early."

Pulling the older woman into a fierce hug, she answered in a thick voice, "No, it doesn't hurt at all." Stepping back, she grabbed the bag at her mother's side. "C'mon in." Something akin to relief flooded her body. Maybe this is what they needed, a mediator of sorts.

They sat on the couch. Jean looked over her daughter. She saw the sunken cheeks and droopy eyes with hidden pain. Her heart cringed in empathy. Never did she want to see Gabrielle hurt for any reason. Turning to face her daughter, Jean reached out a hand to caress a soft cheek. Her chest contracted when the younger woman leaned into her touch. "It's bad isn't it sweetie?"

Closing green eyes, Gabrielle nodded. "I love her mom, but it hurts so much. What I did. . . Can you help?"

She continued to caress her daughter's skin. "I'll try sweetie." Jean reverberated with understanding. 'Whatever had happened has torn them apart. She doesn't even look whole anymore. They need to be together. They belong together.'

Gabrielle covered her mother's hand with her own. "Thanks mom." She gave the other woman a slow, small smile. "Um, let's get you settled in the guest room, and let me get dressed." She stood up and readjusted the blanket once more.

"Okay, but where's Tara?"

"I think that she's getting dressed."

Gabrielle grabbed the bag again, indicating silently for her mother to follow. They got to the front of the hall way before one of the bedroom doors opened.

With a squish under her wet feet, Tara walked out into the hallway intending to head toward the living room. Not bothering to look up, she closed the door quietly. Hearing a gasp, her eyes spotted two pairs of feet. With her gaze slowly moving up, she finally saw two women standing a few feet in front of her with flaming red faces.

Two of the Howard women had seen her naked. One was by proxy. Now, all of them had been initiated into the naked world of Tara. With her somber mood forgotten in the mean time, she sighed and decided to play it by ear. It was a good thing that she didn't embarrass easily. After all, this could be quiet the ice breaker.

Not daring to look at her lover, she looked at her lover's mother instead. Jean Howard's eyes looked everywhere but directly into baby blue. Finally, it seemed as if she decided on bare feet. Tara swallowed and decided to not even bother covering herself. "Uhm, Hi?" She said her voice a little higher than usual.

Jean took in a deep breath. 'Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! She's----' The older woman couldn't even say the word in her head. It wasn't like she hadn't seen naked women before. There were movies, and she was after all. . .a woman. But, this wasn't a naked woman before her. It was her daughter's naked lover, who she had se--- 'Ohgodohgodohgod!' She glanced over at her daughter, noticing for the first time the blanket wrapped around her form. 'She's nak---- too!'

Her eyes rolled in her head as she looked from one to the other. 'Okay, Jean get a hold of yourself. C'mon, yes they have sex. See, I knew you could say it.' She shook her head and realized the silence that had surrounded them. 'Did somebody say something?' Running back in her memory, she distinctively remembered a hi.

"H-hi?" Deciding to try to relieve some of the awkwardness, Jean tried to change the subject. "My goodness it's cold."

Tara raised an eyebrow. Then peered down her body and followed droplets of water down the slope of her breasts to her nipples that stood out to pert points. "Uh, yeah," she remarked before looking up again. The raven-haired woman cut her eyes toward the form of her lover, watching her do a guppy impression. She tried to get her brain to send signals to her body to move, but it was rooted to the spot.

Gabrielle shook her head in disbelief as her mouth snapped shut. 'Well, this day is starting off weird. I went from crying to, to---this. My MOTHER is standing here looking at the woman I sleep with, who just happens to be naked. I could go to a psychologist for this alone!' An ungraceful snort exited her lips, causing two sets of eyes to glance her way. She covered her mouth to keep another one from coming out and glared at the tall form of her girlfriend. With a nod of her head toward the direction of the bedroom, she silently told her to move, but she didn't budge. It was clear other tactics needed to be used.

"Um, T? The bedroom is that way." Gabrielle pointed to the closed door and almost smirked when blue eyes narrowed in her direction.

The familiar voice galvanized the taller woman into action. 'Is she making fun of me?' Her head turned looking at the closed door, and she decided to play along.

"Oooh, you mean that door, but I was coming out. . ." She looked from one Howard to the other, and they didn't seem to be laughing. "Yeah, uhm, that room." Turning and giving the other women a prime view of tight buttocks, she walked quickly into the bedroom.

Gabrielle turned to her mother. "Ah, Mom? You know where you're sleeping. I'm gonna go put some clothes on." Just as quickly as Tara left, the younger woman followed, behind the bedroom door.

Jean stared at the door then glanced down the hall. Walking slowly toward her destination, she murmured to herself, "Well, I'm certainly up now."

Gabrielle looked around the room for Tara and finally spotted her against the far wall with a chagrined look on her face. Dropping the blanket, she walked up to her lover, trying to keep the look on her face even. Inquisitive blue eyes looked down at her.

"Uhm, I was coming to talk to you. I didn't know. . ."

She was silenced by a shake of the strawberry blonde head. The petite woman leaned into her lover, burying her face into the fragrant neck. Her body shook. Tara's eyes widened in surprise, and she rubbed her lover's naked back in an attempt to comfort. That's when she heard it, the snort. Pulling away from her body, blue eyes peered into a face streaked with tears and a mouth slightly open with laughter. Green eyes opened and looked into the taller woman's face. It only made her laugh harder.

Tara gathered her lover in her arms again and chuckled despite herself. After a few moments, the laughter died to a giggle.

"Oooh boy, so what did you want to see me about?" The strawberry blonde asked with a voice still filled with mirth.

Tightening her arms around her prize, Tara answered, "I just wanted to do this." She squeezed her lover fiercely but gently.

Her breath hitched with emotion. "You say and do the sweetest things. I don't know if I deserve you." Gabrielle wrapped her hands around broad shoulders, returning the hug before familiar feelings pushed her away.

Tara swallowed as guilt tried its best to choke her. "No baby, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you."

Feeling the stiffness in the younger woman's body, Tara let go albeit reluctantly. "Um, we'd better get dressed before your mom comes looking for us."

Gabrielle stood her ground, staring into azure eyes. She touched a sculpted cheek with a finger before saying, "Yeah, we'd better."

Jean got comfortable on the couch. Hearing a door close, she looked up to see two forms heading for her. They sat on opposite sides of the older woman. She looked over at Tara and couldn't resist the urge to smirk and meddle.

"Now, that's the Tara I know." An impish part of her enjoyed the way the young woman's eyes widened. She heard her daughter give an exasperated sigh before the obligatory, 'Mom!', came out of her mouth. "Oh, shush Gabby. I was only teasing the girl." She was relieved to see a smile light the darker woman's face. "Well, now that we've got the morning started, how about breakfast? Banana pancakes?" Not waiting for an answer, she got up and made her way into the kitchen.

The two woman blinked, turned toward each other, then blinked again. "Banana pancakes it is," Gabrielle quipped.

Tara pursed her lips before asking, "Should we go help her?" She got a green glare in return. "I'll take that as a no."

After a brief moment, silence lapsed between them. Neither one had moved. Before this all had happened, they gravitated toward each other. Now, the empty cushion lay between them. Tara reached for the remote in hopes of filling the quite gap. They had nothing to talk about because all things seemed to lead back to the subject her lover didn't want to discuss.

She had told her that she now understood. Part of her did, but it still hurt, seeing the walls go up. 'It doesn't matter how I feel because she's the one in trouble, in pain. I can't continue being so selfish. Look at what I almost did.' She wanted to get the better of the voice that mocked her earlier. 'I will be here if she needs me, and even if she doesn't, I'll still be here.' With all this in mind, she still didn't move to touch or hold her, knowing eventually that the other woman would stiffen and pull away.

Gabrielle scanned her tall lover's profile from the corner of her eye. The camaraderie that they used to share was there if only for a moment. She couldn't remember feeling so light in a long, long time, but it wasn't right. Grief weighed down her blighted soul, and she tore her eyes away. None of this felt quiet right anymore.

Jean stood in the doorway unobserved by the other two women. It left her free to watch them. They didn't touch like she had seen them do at her house a while back, and they barely glanced at each other when before the taller woman's eyes seldom left her daughter. Something was terribly wrong between them. It was as if the real Tara and Gabrielle were hiding somewhere behind emotion that she had yet to put her finger on.

Announcing that breakfast was ready, the older woman continued to study as the other women ate silently. There were forced smiles and obligatory comments but nothing of substance showed itself.

The silence was broken when Gabrielle announced, "We'll take care of the dishes mom." Jean watched on, as one behind the other, they entered the kitchen, carrying the dirty dishes. A few minutes later under the pretense of taking more dishes in, the older woman entered the kitchen quietly. What she saw broke her heart.

A large hand found purchase at her daughter's back, and she could only guess that it was a gesture of comfort and needed contact. She continued to observe as the muscles in her daughter's back stiffened, and the hand fell away. She thought that she saw the raven head hang in defeat as a sigh traveled through the air. Deep down, she knew now that her daughter had to be in intense pain to spurn the touch of the woman she loved.

Gabrielle had always been the strong one, looking out for her sister and even her mother when she thought it was needed. Still, at this moment, Jean realized that her eldest needed someone to be strong for her, listen to her, and see her pain for what it was. The only question was would she open up to her where she obviously wouldn't to Tara?

The day was filled with gaping silence and mock conversation with comments from the weather, the drive from Gary, to the state of the world. The two women played at conversation, despite the closeness that had been shared the day before. That was until Jean had enough of the superficial banter.

"I talked to Lil, Gab."

A pair of green eyes shot to hers as a pair of blue ones shined with questions.

Never being one to beat around the bushes a lot, Jean pushed the door opened wide. "She said that you almost fell apart over the phone. Something about Tara hating you and not being able to take the pain."

Tara sucked in an audible breath and looked at the shocked face of her lover.

Jean waited, knowing the pain she was about to cause but also knowing it all had to get out in the open.

Gabrielle's breath rattled in her ears along with the quick pace of her heart. She tried to retreat into herself, but she couldn't break away from her mother's penetrating stare. Sweat trickled down her back, and small hands felt clammy against each other. She rubbed them against her pant leg. Licking her upper lip, she answered. "Uh, mom, I really don't want to talk about this. Please?" She added with it sounding like a heartfelt sob.

"Gabrielle, honey. You must see that you can't handle this all by yourself. It's okay to lean on someone. It's okay not to be the strong one for once."

"No! You don't know----"

"Then why don't you tell me?"

"Please no, I can't," she sobbed through quivering lips.

Tara watched on, feeling helpless. She went by instinct and reached out to grasp a small hand in her larger one. Gabrielle smacked the hand away, refusing to acknowledge the comfort. Crystal blue eyes turned to her lover's mother. 'Help me. Help us, please,' they said. Jean nodded her head in answer.

"Gabrielle, please?"

The strawberry blonde covered her ears with her hands. "No, don't touch me. Just-just leave me alone!" Getting up clumsily, she ran for the bedroom.

Tara looked from Jean to the retreating form with her heart in her eyes. Blue eyes were lost as they looked around for some sort of inspiration, and then she felt a hand on her knee.

"Give it some time. I know she needs you."

"Oh, God." She whispered as new tears started to fall. Lunging forward, Tara took the older woman in her arms and cried on her shoulder. The older woman's eyes rounded like saucers. Never did she think that the woman she saw so determined and strong willed some months ago would fall apart in her arms, shaking in her vulnerability. Curling her hand in the raven head, she shushed the crying woman.

"Shhh, it's okay. It's too much for her to deal with Tara. It's going to spill out because she doesn't have a choice. We need to work together and get her some help."

"I've been so stupid. Should of been there for her. So, stupid," she cried.

Jean closed her eyes and wondered what type of pain this woman was dealing with. She could only imagine. "You can talk to me. I'm here, and it may make it easier to talk to her. I-I know we've had our ups and downs, but I know that she loves you and that you make her happy. I would do nothing to ruin that. I am here for you too, Tara."

With the new tears, some fissures had formed; within Jean's arms, larger cracks opened; and within minutes, the dam of emotion broke, and she spilled all. Jean listened with an unbiased ear as the woman told her about the tingling feeling that she got when her Red was in trouble, the fights, and her step away from infidelity. She listened to it all. They talked through most of the night, while a lone figure huddled in the bed, a prisoner to her own thoughts.

Gabrielle re-wrapped the covers around her clothed form. Her body rocked back and forth, and her teeth chattered from the cold coming from the inside out. 'I thought she of all people would understand, but none of them do. I murdered him dammit! To be with her! How do I know it was the right thing to do? How do I know? I wish they could just understand.' A little voice way back in her head whispered, 'How would they know if you don't tell them. How?'

"Ohgod, ohgod!" She breathed hotly into the empty room.

Sometime during the night, Tara joined the still form in the bed. Words reverberated in her head, 'You're only human. Hold her, no matter how hard she fights. She wants you too. You love her what did you expect to feel? Don't tell her about the bar right now, just wait until she sees past this.' With these thoughts in head and many more, she feel into a restless sleep.

In the early morning hours, Tara was awakened by a scream in combination with knocking at the bedroom door. She yelled, "Come in!", and reached for the thrashing, screaming form beside her.

Gabrielle fought her invisible attacker then grabbed her abdomen as she screamed one last time. Then blissfully, she felt strong familiar arms wrap around her. She sighed and sagged her body into the one holding her. Her breathing refused to quiet as she sucked in breath after breath, and on one breath, she breathed in a familiar spicy scent. Knowing instantly who the arms belonged to, she fought the embrace. "No! Let me go!"

Tara looked at Jean from the vantage point of the bed. It stung to feel the woman she loved fight her, but she saw the older woman nod her head. Remembering the words, she held on. Jean watched on, wanting so much to go comfort her daughter, but she relented for the sake of Tara.

Tara held on for dear life, whispering in her lover's ear and rocking the fighting body back and forth. Gabrielle hiccupped as her breathing returned to normal. She was so tired of fighting, of holding it all in, of everything. Her body caved in, going limp in Tara's arms, and her mind released the self-imposed trap that it had around confessions about one dark day if only just a little. She whispered huskily, "I killed him. Don't deserve you. I don't."

Tara glanced toward Jean with surprise, relief, and confusion shining in her eyes. She gave the dark-haired woman a small smile, spurring her on. Tara continued to rock her lover as well as whisper, "I love you, and I'm here for you. Talk to me." Still, the strawberry blonde whispered the same litany of words over and over again. It was a small one, but it was a breakthrough nonetheless.

Quietly, Jean went back to her own room, wiping away her own tears and murmuring, "It was something, if only a little."

For the second time in as many days, Tara felt small arms wrap around her as the slight form in her embrace fell back to sleep. She whispered a thank you to any god who was listening and sent up a prayer for the woman in the room down the hall.

Each passing day in the coming weeks were filled with equal parts awkwardness and revelation. Gabrielle revealed a bit more of her tortured soul, but Tara held silent only wanting to be there for her lover. They became closer as touches became more commonplace as did smiles and long looks. Jean got a front seat view of the link between them, and she reprimanded herself for initially denying her daughter such happiness. Tara was obviously good for her. They obviously belonged together no matter what the Church said.

Jean knew from the get go that she needed to get to know her daughter's lover. However, a lot more than that had happened. She learned to respect, endear, and care for the other woman in their combined effort to help Gabrielle.

She broke herself from the reverie and glanced toward the cuddled couple on the couch as they giggled at some antics on the TV. She smiled inwardly. For an old woman, she had come here and learned a lot from these two. Love and strength came in different forms, and she believed she had just about witnessed them all here in this house alone. Hating to interrupt the closeness between the couple, she did anyway by saying Tara's name.

Two sets of eyes glanced toward her. "Tara can I talk to you in the kitchen?" She looked down at her lover and kissed her on the forehead before turning to nod her head in acquiescence. Getting up, she waited for the other woman to follow.

The entered the kitchen. Tara hopped up on the counter and waited for the other woman to speak.

Jean rubbed her hands together. It looked as though she had a little confession of her own. "I hated to tear you away from her, but this needs to be said. I didn't come here to but in. I came here to help my daughter, and I ended up doing so much more. Again, I need to apologize because I was so wrong about you, but my eyes are open now."

Tara hung her head, trying to hide the rising blush. "I-it's okay Mrs. H. It was normal to act the way you did, but I'm glad you came around for Red's sake. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have had your help here, and I don't know what I would've done without you."

"Well, I can see that you love her and want to take care of her. What mother wouldn't want to help that along?" She chuckled lightly.

Tara offered her a smile. "Still, thank you."

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Yeah, anything."

"Have you told her how you're feeling about this whole mess?"

Tara rubbed her hands against her legs before looking up. "Uhm, I can't worry about me. She's the one in so much pain. This all happened to her not me."

Jean sighed. "Tara, don't you know by now that what you two do effects each other? I bet she hasn't even scratched the surface of what happened that day, so don't think it's all over. I still hear her crying in the early mornings. She needs to get help. You both do, so tell her how you feel. It could go a long way in helping her see that this can't be fixed with a snap of a finger."

She put busy hands in her pockets and chewed her lower lip. "Mrs. H, I want to, but I just don't know where to start. I figured by helping her the guilt would go away a little, but deep down I know it really hasn't. I just don't know."

"Would you be willing to go with her and see somebody about this?"

Panic rose, making her flush again. "You mean a doctor? I don't think I can. I've never-"

"Listen, do you see how you two are now?" She saw Tara nod her head. "But, I saw how you were a few months back remember? It's nowhere near that. Don't you want to get it back maybe even make it better?"

"Oh God, yeah I do. It just scares me a little y'know?"

"I know it does, but you've got to be strong. You've shown me how strong you can be, and all it would take is a little more. Just think about it."

"Kay, I can do that and maybe more"

Assuming that they were finished, Tara jumped down from the counter, but she had to do something before the went back to the living room. Grasping the retreating woman by the shoulder, Tara pulled her into a strong hug. "Thank you so much. She means so much to me."

Jean pat her on the back. "I know sweetie. I know."

Getting back to the living room, Jean kissed her daughter goodnight and made her way to the spare bedroom. Before sitting, Tara reached down to pick up the remote. She switched the TV off then turned on a nearby lamp. Smiling down at green eyes looking up at her questioningly, she finally sat in her abandoned spot.

Gabrielle scooted over a little to peer into her lover's eyes. She scanned them, looking deeply for unmentioned information and found apprehension. Taking a hand that she had slapped away so many times, she asked, "What's wrong? Did I do something? I'm trying and at least it's something that we can touch now. I mean isn't it?"

Tara swallowed before answering. "Yeah, we have come a little ways, but we need to talk Red, and I mean really talk."

The soft, small hand slipped from her grip. "Kay, I'll try."

Tara hung her head, trying to gather courage from deep within. She took several breaths in preparation then looked up into green and almost lost her nerve. That was until she got a nervous smile from her lover's lips. "Um, you know I've been trying to be patient with you, and I understand that you need some time. B-but in a way, I've been hiding from you." She moved her cupped hands between her legs in a nervous gesture. "I hurt too, and I've been giving to you thinking it will make my pain go away. But, it hasn't." A hand met her cheek, and she leaned into it.

"I-I should have been here. I felt it when it happened I think, and I knew something was wrong. If I had stayed home, I could have protected you from him. I could have been the one to stop him, not you. You seem so strong sometimes, but I know you Red. You wanna let go sometimes." She sniffed as tears began a slow trickle, making her voice thick, husky. "I should've been here to keep you from going through all this." The same hand traveled upward and wiped at the spilling tears.

Gabrielle listened on, silently as tears of her own threatened to come. 'How could I not see it?' She was brought back by her lover's continuing words. "I was such an asshole. I argued with you and tried to drag information from you to make myself feel better. I was so stupid. You don't know how stupid I was." She sniffed again. "I needed to tell you all of this because we need help baby." Gabrielle opened her mouth, about to speak. "No, no let me finish okay?" She got a nod in return.

"I'm sure you've told me a lot about what happened, and I know you think you murdered him. I know you think that you don't really deserve to be happy now. I know this, but I also know that there is so much more that you haven't or can't tell me. I can't help you with all of that Red. The only thing I can tell you is that I love you and that you killed him in self-defense. You hear it, but you don't hear it here or here." She reached over tapping her chest and head. "We need to go talk to somebody about this. The both of us." Tara took the hand from her face and brought it to her lips, kissing it lightly.

Gabrielle hiccupped, loving the sweet gesture. Eyes met and held, refusing to lose the connection that had been so recently rediscovered. Letting the silence stretch between them, she finally spoke. "You know I love you, so much, and I thank you for sticking around when I was making it so hard. Because if you had left, I would have fallen completely apart." Her small, wiry arm snaked around her lover's neck to tangle in dark tresses. She pulled Tara's head closer to hers with their lips barely touching. Tears that she had held at bay started to fall. Whispering, "I'm so sorry that I didn't see. So sorry. I'll do whatever needs to be done. I just want you back. I want us back."

Tara laughed happily as she pulled the smaller woman into her arms. She crushed their torsos together, trying to absorb her in one swoop. "I love you. You'll see. We'll get the help that we need. W-will you call tomorrow?" Gabrielle said a muffled 'yes' into her lover's neck.

They talked into the night even managing to laugh a little bit about old times, but finally, sleepiness got the better of them. Not wanting to break the contact, Tara let her sleeping lover use her as a pillow until her body started to protest. It was then that she scooped the still thin woman up and carried her to bed.

Later the next morning, Tara was awakened with the help of a muffled scream. She sat up quickly and wrapped the shaking form in her arms. Gabrielle clung to her, sobbing into her neck. She pulled away slightly and looked up into baby blues. "C-can you get me a phone book?"

"Um, you sure?" The auburn head bobbed a yes. Getting up out of the bed, Tara opened the bedroom door to find Jean waiting outside the other one. She gave the older woman a soft smile. "Uh, phone book." Jean smiled back and re-entered her room as the younger woman made her way down the hall. She smiled to herself. It was almost time for her to head back home, but there was one more thing she had to see through.

A few days later, Tara drove Gabrielle to her first therapist appointment and held her while she cried outside in the parking lot. She wanted to go in herself, but the doctor had insisted on seeing Gabrielle first. So, Tara drove home and waited for the phone to ring.

It finally did a little over an hour later. Not wanting to make her lover wait outside in the cold, she went into building to get her. Swallowing, Tara steeled her nose against the overly clean smell and the butterflies in her stomach. 'I'm gonna have to come soon and tell all. Might as well get used to it.' She spotted her strawberry blonde talking to the receptionist. A wave was enough to catch her eye. Gabrielle walked slowly toward her then sped up into a light jog. Tara could see the ashen face as she got closer. Reaching out her hands, she met her halfway. Concern colored her features.

"Hey Red, you alright?"

Before answering, Gabrielle leaned forward, planting a small kiss on her lover's lips. Pulling back, she nibbled on her own bottom lip. "Uh, I'll be okay." Seeing the doubt nest in the crystal gaze, she gave the other woman a smile. "No, I mean it this time. I will." Hand in hand they left the office. "Oh, she wants to start seeing both of us in about 2-3 weeks."

Blue stared down into green. "Okay," Tara said quietly.

Jean waited and watched out the living room window. Seeing the car drive up, she leaned back a little, not wanting to be seen. Still, she saw enough as the couple got out of the car and immediately linked hands. From her perch in front of the window, she could see the beginning of happiness in faces that held pain not too long ago. Turning, she headed out of the living room to the hall way. 'I need to get packed and find out what's going on with my youngest.'

Continued in Part 8: The Fear Inside

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