by S Lee

Disclaimers: See Part 1.

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Copyright © 2004 by S Lee. All Rights Reserved.

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Kat awoke the next morning, throwing up, sweating and trembling. She screamed for help and a nurse came in. The nurse sat and held the singer's head while she threw up. "Relax, don't fight it. Let it go."

Kat laid back, exhausted, but unable to sleep. As her body purged the alcohol from her system, her recovery began.

Meanwhile, Beth spoke to Kat's manager. She was shocked at the news of Kat going through rehabilitation. "She did what?"

"I took her to a rehab hospital last night. She's going to be there for a month. Could you hold off on any major decisions on buying a house in Austin and selling the home in Nashville? She doesn't want this to happen, but she plans on making this as amicable as possible. She wants you to be treated fairly in all of this. Kat called her sister before she went in; she'll give you whatever you need."

"I appreciate that. I'm happy she's getting help. I know she loves the girls and I think their talk last night opened her eyes."

"She still loves you too, Beth. This breakup is tearing her apart. Last night, she finished the show nearly an hour early. She sang "Always on My Mind" and cried through it. After the song, she and I left for the treatment center in Asheville. She really needs you right now."

"I wish her well, but I can't. I do want her to get better, for the girls' sakes."

The press reported Kat's concert cancellations and alcohol problem and rehabilitation. Her friends and fans expressed their concern for the singer. Her management company promised to reschedule the cancelled dates.

As the days progressed, Kat felt her mind clear. She went through several counseling sessions a day and completed her daily duties around the facility. She started taking interest in her body again and began working out. She played her guitar in the woods. The first two weeks went by quickly and a family day was looming ahead. She summoned up the courage to call Beth.

"Hey there, 'Scilla."

"Hi, Kat. How are you doing? I heard you were in rehab."

"Yeah. It's hard and I've been going through therapy out the wazoo. But I haven't had a drink in fourteen days. I'm feeling good."

"That's great. I'm glad you're getting help."

"Listen, there's a family day coming up here this Saturday. Could you and the girls come up? It's really important to me. I need to speak to the three of you. I do warn you, there will be some group family therapy."

Beth agreed, "We'll be there."

"Thanks. I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome."

Family day came and Kat nervously waited for Beth and the girls. She smiled when she spotted them walking in the door. Presley's arms were crossed over her chest, as if she didn't want to be there. Beth observed cautiously. Scout just wanted to see her Mama. She jumped into the singer's arms. Kat wrapped her up tightly, lifting her off the ground. "How's my baby girl?"

"I'm good. Look what I brought you." The little girl handed her mother several sheets of paper. "I've got some new song lyrics for you."

Kat looked at them proudly. "Why, Miss Scout, these are wonderful. I've got my guitar with me. I'll put them to music. I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you little one."

The singer looked at her older daughter. "Don't I get a hug?"

"No."

Beth admonished their child. "Presley, don't be rude to your mother."

Kat held up her hand. "It's alright. You don't have to hug me until you're ready. I'm not going to force you."

Her gaze focused on her wife, who seemed to be more beautiful than ever. Kat's heart nearly jumped out of her throat. "It's good to see you, Beth. You look wonderful. Thank you so much for coming. There's so much I want to tell all of you. Why don't we go sit down?"

The family sat down outside at a table under a large oak tree. Kat spoke, "First of all, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for tearing up our family; I'm sorry for not being there; and I'm sorry for letting y'all down. I love you three more than anything in the world. I was sick for a long time and I did things that I wouldn't normally do, but that isn't an excuse. I'm getting better. It's been nineteen days since I've had a drink. I've been working out and spending my days going to therapy session after therapy session. I feel really good. I've made some decisions while I've been here. I want us to be a family. I'm going to retire after the New Year's Eve show in Las Vegas and move to Austin. I want to be able to see you girls and be a part of your lives, even if we aren't in the same house."

Beth was shocked. "You're going to do what?"

"I'm leaving the business and moving to Texas to be near you and the girls. I'll be going to AA. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do yet, other than spend time with our daughters, if they'd like that."

Scout smiled. "Oh yeah, definitely."

Presley shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever."

Beth appeared confused and upset. "Girls, why don't you two take a walk for a few minutes. I'd like to talk to your mother alone."

Kat smiled and reached into her pocket for some quarters. "Here's some money for the Coke machine inside. There's a walking path right over there that goes to the lake. It's not far. Your mom and I need a chance to talk."

Beth turned toward the girls. "Don't go too far."

The girls walked away and Beth showed her anger. "What the hell are you doing promising them that? How could you do that to them? How could you possibly retire? So, what, are you never going to perform again?"

"I've made a decision and I'm going to follow through with it. My contract with the label is up at the end of the tour this year. I was going to record under my own label. I'm sure I will perform at some point. I may even record in Austin, but I'm not going to be away from them for months at a time anymore. Something happened when I spoke to them that night. Presley hates me. She can't stand me. She's such an angry young woman. She was put in the position of your comforter and protector whether you wanted her to be or not. She did it because of me; because she felt you needed it when you were upset about me. She deserves to be an irresponsible kid. Scout is so insecure about my love for her. She's such a sweet, loving, innocent child and I'm breaking her heart. I can't stand to do that anymore. Then, there's you. I've virtually ignored you, and you see what's happened."

Beth answered firmly, "I'm not taking you back."

Kat shook her head. "I'm not asking you to. You're ethically entitled to half of everything."

"I don't want it."

"'Scilla, it's a lot of money. You would be more than set for the rest of your life."

"I said, 'I don't want it.' "

"At least let me set you and the girls up. Were there any problems with the initial transfer?"

"No."

"Good. Have you found a house yet?"

"No."

"Good. Let me buy your house and I'll give you an additional ten thousand a month in child support. If you need anything, just ask. I would appreciate it if you found me a house near yours, within walking distance. If you can find a large stretch of land where we can put two houses, like around thirty or forty acres, that would be great and would give us the security and privacy we need. I'd like to pick up the girls from school and have every other weekend with them and during the week whenever they would like."

Beth shook her head. "Slow down Kat. Your sobriety is too new. I don't want you seeing them alone yet. I don't want to take any chances."

"By then, I will have been sober for over six months. But, I can see your point and I won't fight you on it. I'm changing Beth. I feel such a clarity that I haven't felt since, I don't know when. I'm terrified, but excited. I know what I have to lose. I lost you, but I won't lose our children. They need me right now. Their family is splitting up and they're scared. I'm going to be there for Scout and Presley. I'm going to do what I have to in order to maintain my sobriety."

Beth smiled. "Well, I'm happy to hear that. I can see a difference in your eyes. They sparkle again."

"That's because I'm around you. I don't feel like me anymore without you. Even when I was on the road, I knew you were home waiting for me. I'm so scared of living without you. I'm sorry 'Scilla. I broke my vows to you. I wasn't there when you needed me. I didn't see your pain, and I let what we had slip away. I love you baby. I will always love you. We're meant to be together."

Beth sighed and said, "No. I don't feel the same way. I don't love you like that anymore. You've hurt me too deeply and too often and my feelings died. I found you with two women. You can't expect me to forgive you after three weeks. We still have the girls and it's important that we salvage a friendship, if you're sincere about all this. You've been too much a part of my life for me to cut you out of it completely. I will find houses for both of us. We can work out visitation. The kids will want to see you and maybe we can all spend time together, every once in a while. But, we're not getting back together."

"You're my soul mate. You still love me. I know you do. I can feel it. It may not be for twenty years, but it will happen."

Beth didn't know what to say. Luckily, the girls walked up. The women smiled at their daughters. Beth asked, "So, did you girls have a nice walk?"

Scout was excited. "Yeah. It was cool."

Kat turned to her other daughter. "What about you Presley?"

The teenager rolled her eyes. "It was alright."

Kat stood up in front of her older daughter. "I think you and I need some time alone. Why don't we go talk?"

Without a word, Presley got up and walked with her mother, with her arms folded across her chest. Once they were alone, Kat spoke, "You've grown up pretty quickly, haven't you? It's my fault that you felt you had to be there for your mother. You're angry with me and that's understandable. But, I love you and I know I screwed up royally. I have no excuses for my behavior. I've been a lousy mother and a crappy wife. I can't change my past mistakes. I can only fix the present and future and that's what I'm doing now."

Presley still hadn't spoken and looked everywhere but at her mother. Kat knew she needed to draw out the teenager. "Presley, look at me."

The teenager glared at her. "What do you want from me?"

Kat focused on her daughter. "I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me how you feel. Hit me. Scream at me. Do something for God's sake."

"Fine!" The adolescent yelled, "I hate you! You're a fucking drunk who's never home! I had to leave all my friends and move to Texas and it's your fault! Mom cried herself to sleep all the time and it was your fault! I hate you for never being home! I hate you for hurting us! I hate you for splitting us up! I hate you for not loving us enough!" The teenager began crying and hitting her mother. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She repeated these words over and over until collapsing against Kat, who wrapped her arms around the young woman.

The singer comforted her daughter. "It's okay. That's my girl. That's my girl. I'm sorry Presley. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I love you. " Kat began singing the song she used to sing to the young woman when she was a little girl.

"Are you and Mom getting back together?"

Kat wanted to keep her personal beliefs to herself. "I don't think so."

"Don't you love Mom anymore?"

Kat tried to reassure her daughter. "Yes, of course I do. But sometimes that's not enough. We're going to raise you and your sister together. We won't live in the same house. But, I'll live close to you. You'll live with her, but see me nearly every day. You can come to my house any time you want. You will never be expected to choose between us. We both love you and your sister more than anything."

"What about my music lessons?"

Kat grinned. "You've hit the jackpot there. Until I get home and we can work together, I've got several friends who are excellent teachers. Some of the coolest musicians are in Austin. I'll set you up."

"That's awesome. I want to start working on the mandolin."

"How's your piano and guitar coming?"

"They're solid."

"Tell you what, maybe you'll get one for Christmas. I'll be home for the holidays, then I've got to get to Las Vegas for my New Year's Eve show. After that, I will be in Austin permanently. I'll teach you if you like. So, are we good?"

The young woman answered. "Yeah. I don't really hate you."

Kat smiled. "I know. It might be kind of hard sometimes, but we'll get through this. I love you and your sister more than anything."

The teenager nodded her response.

"Let's go back and see your Mom and sister."

The mother and daughter walked back to the rest of the family. Kat had one arm around her older daughter's shoulder. She sat down next to Scout.

"So, Miss Scout, do you have any questions?"

The young girl nodded. "So you're really moving to Austin too?"

Kat grinned. "Yes, I am."

"And you're not going out on the road anymore? I can really see you all the time?"

"That's right. As much as you want."

"Are you and Mom ever going to live together?"

"No. I'm going to have my own house."

"Can I keep some of my stuff there?"

"Of course you can, sweetheart. You're going to have your own room. We'll go shopping and you can pick out a new bed and decorate your room however you want."

The young girl nodded. "Cool."

"So are you alright with all of this?"

The young girl thought for a minute. "I wish we could all live together in the same house as a real family. But, as long as I get to see you, I guess it's okay."

The singer hugged her daughter tightly, kissing her on the top of her head. "Scout darlin', we're still going to be a family, but live in different houses. We'll always be a family."

Soon after, the family sat in a group therapy session. Family members talked about how alcohol impacted their lives. Soon it was Kat's turn to stand up.

"My name is Kat and I'm an alcoholic. This is my partner, or rather ex-partner, Beth, and our two daughters. That ex-part is one of the consequences of my drinking. I think I started drinking when I was a teenager. I played in bars from the time I was sixteen until I started touring major venues. Sharing beers with my band became a tradition and then kind of a habit. Over time, it continued, and twenty years later, I was drinking more and more after my shows. There's a lot of excess in my job and I was expected to participate in it and I did. When I was under the influence, I did things I wouldn't normally do. I hurt my family deeply and my partner couldn't take my behavior anymore. I've hurt her and I've hurt my girls. But, I'm here so that I can get better for myself and my daughters."

The therapist responded, "Beth, let's hear from you. How did Kat's drinking affect you?"

Beth stood up to speak. "Kat and I were together for twenty-three years. Her drinking caused her to be absent the few times she was home. It kept her separated from our family. It caused her to break her vows. I never knew if I would get a call from the police telling me she was in jail, in a hospital, or dead. She wasn't usually violent, but easily agitated. She would yell and throw temper tantrums. I think it would have been more difficult if she had been home more frequently. But, from the stories I'd heard about when she was on the road, she was verbally abusive to her crew and roadies and other staff around her. People would quit after only a few weeks because she was too difficult to deal with. She made it so damn hard to even want to be around her, much less love her. The thing is, she only behaves like this when she drinks. She was the most amazing person to be with. Everyone loved her. She had some of the same band members for twenty years. All the people in her life who truly love her, have left her, other than her parents and our girls. It hurt so badly to see what she'd become. I really hope she's sincere about what she's promising."

The counselor looked at Beth. "So how does all of this make you feel?"

She answered, "It hurts more than I can express. It hurt so much, I had to leave and move to Texas."

Kat wiped the tears from her eyes. Hearing what Beth said was like a mirror being put in front of her, and she didn't like what she saw. She hated the way Beth felt. The singer ached for a drink with every fiber of her being. She didn't like the pain of coming to terms with the consequences of her actions. Kat wanted to lose the pain; to forget.

When the day ended, Kat walked her family out. She hugged the girls tightly. "I love you both so much. I'm going back on tour after I get out of here. Maybe y'all can come meet me and spend a few days. I'd really love to see you."

Beth nodded. "I'll try to coordinate something with your parents. I bet they'd love to spend a few days with you and the girls."

Kat felt deflated. "Oh, I was hoping you would bring them. I'd love the chance to spend some time with you too."

Beth pulled her to the side away from the girls. "I don't think that's a good idea. We need time apart as a non-couple. I'll have the furniture moved out of the house in Nashville and the house put on the market. I'll start looking for places for us. We can split the furniture. You can keep all your personal things. I'll put them in storage for you." Beth had felt the pain and shed her tears. All that remained was numbness where her heart had been.

Kat didn't want to have this conversation. Everything in her was fighting the acceptance of the situation. She nodded. "Be safe. I'll talk to you soon. I get out of here in eight days. I'm going to find a music teacher for Presley. I'll call you with all the information. As far as houses are concerned, I want to again suggest you get a place with about thirty acres and we can build a house for me on the opposite side."

Beth nodded. "I'll let you know when I find something. Good luck, Kat. You're doing great. Please keep it up. The girls really need you."

"Thanks. I know they need me. I'll be there."

"Good. Take care."

The singer smiled. "You too, 'Scilla."

Tears fell from Kat's eyes as she watched her wife and daughters walk out the door. Beth felt like her heart was being ripped out as she left Kat behind. She hated it, but she still loved the singer. Kat went back to her room and picked up her guitar and began playing a series of chords beginning with G, going into F sharp minor, then into E minor, and A. She reached for a pen and paper and started writing out her pain.

Kat finished her time in rehabilitation feeling more alive and stronger than she had in years. The pain of losing her wife bit into her sharply, but the ability to feel it, was almost a relief. She prepared to continue her tour.

Her manager picked her up and drove her straight to the airport for a flight to Virginia, where she was to meet up with her band for two days of rehearsal. She walked into the room and her band was already there playing and waiting for her. They stopped when the singer stepped into the room.

She smiled. "Damn y'all are good. I want to apologize to everyone for my behavior. I was a real bitch. Things are going to be different around here. You can keep alcohol in your bus, but it's not going to be backstage. This isn't going to be easy for me, but we're family and I know y'all will support me in this. I am sorry for the interruption and for the disruption. I also want to tell you that after the New Year's Eve show, I'm leaving."

The band looked at her shocked. "I know you weren't expecting it. I know this leaves each of you without a job, and I feel terrible about that. I'm going to try to hook y'all up with other gigs though. My wife has left me and my kids need to know that I am there for them and that I still love them. I need them too, so I am going to be a mother for them. I don't know when or if I'll be back. I'm going to announce it at a press conference in Richmond."

Silence invaded the room and lasted for several seconds. Kat's drummer stepped out from behind his drums and walked up to the singer, wrapping his arms around her. She started crying in his embrace. He had been her drummer and friend for ten years and she loved him like a brother. The other band members came up and took their turns and hugged her tightly.

She pulled back and wiped the tears out of her eyes. "Let's cut this mushy crap and get to playing some music. I need to stop crying. I'm going to screw up my voice." They all laughed and started running through their set.

Two days later, Kat sat at a long table with her managers and record label executives in front of a room full of reporters. Her leg shook nervously as she tried to remain cool. She wanted a drink so badly she could barely stand it. Instead, she drank the water in front of her. Soon it was time to start and the head of her record label expressed his support for the singer. Then it was time for Kat to speak.

"First of all, I'd like to thank all of the people who sent me tokens of their love and support while I was in rehab. I received all the cards, letters, and gifts when I got out a few days ago. I am an alcoholic and have had a serious problem for about two years now. I apologize to my family and to my fans for the impact my drinking has had. The cancelled concerts will be rescheduled and the original tickets will be honored. Second, I want to announce my retirement. After my New Year's Eve show in Las Vegas, I will be returning home to Austin. I thank all of my fans for this amazing life they have given me. I have been touched in ways that I can't ever fully express. You've given me so much over the years; more than I can ever repay. My partner and I are separating and my daughters need me to be available for them completely. To be perfectly honest, I need them right now too. It's time for me to leave the party before I overstay my welcome. I need to put my family first. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I will now be taking a few questions."

"Are you leaving the music industry permanently?"

" I doubt it. It's what I do. It's what I know. I am taking a break for a while. I may perform here and there on occasion, but not for long tours."

Another reporter asked. "Will you be doing any recording?"

"It's possible. I've always wanted to have my own label. Right now, I'm going to concentrate on my kids."

"How do you feel about being seen as a role model for other lesbian couples now that you've split up with your longtime partner?"

"Quite frankly, I'm simply trying to get through my own reaction to my breakup. I know many in the lesbian and gay community admired us, but couples split. I'm sorry if we've disappointed people, but Beth and I would appreciate some space so that we may deal with it privately and focus on our daughters."

The head of the record label spoke up. "That will be all for today. Kat has to save her voice for her concert tonight. I want to urge people to catch Kat when she comes to their town, as this will be her last tour. Thank you all for coming."

The singer was ushered back to the concert arena to get ready for the show that night.

Beth returned to Austin and began her life as a single mother. She was house hunting with her daughters and a realtor when she got a call from her mother.

"Beth, Kat just announced her retirement. I saw it on the entertainment news channel."

The professor was stunned. "She actually did it. I didn't think she would, but she did. Good for her. The girls are going to be thrilled."

"And what about you?"

"I truly hope she means what she says and can keep herself together."

"You aren't looking forward to her being here even a little?"

"Mom, knock it off. I can't go into it right now."

She hung up the phone and turned to her girls. "Well, your mother officially announced her retirement."

Both girls were excited at the prospect of having their other mother around all the time. Beth was happy for her girls but prayed that her ex-partner was sincere.

Beth bought a four-bedroom house on fifty acres of land just outside of town. She arranged to have another four-bedroom house built on the back of the property for Kat. They had a large pond, horse stables, and an advanced security system and gate. The professor began her new job and the girls settled into their school routine. The house in Nashville was put on the market and was sold by Halloween.

Kat prepared for her next phase of life and worked tirelessly on maintaining her new sobriety and whipping her body into shape. She went to ninety AA meetings in ninety days and then continued to go at least twice a week. She spoke to the girls every day and saw them at Christmas. Beth and the girls went to Las Vegas for Kat's final show, which was televised. Afterward, she had a few odds and ends to take care of before she returned to Austin. She was eager to see her daughters on a regular basis.

Continued in Part 3

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