Main :: What's New :: Blog :: Updates List :: Links
|
Chapter 18Disclaimers: See Part 1. “Stay with her,” El had said… and so when the nurses tried to get her to hand Aiden’s small body back to them, Rae wasn’t able to comply. Nearly blind with tears, hearing little beyond the impossible, obscenely living rush of air in and out of her own lungs, she held the still body of their daughter, and tried to understand. Someone led her from the OR. A gentle voice spoke in her ear, but Rae didn’t seem to be able to grasp what was being said, or even where she was. “Rae, honey, give little Aiden to nurse Wills. There are things we need to do for her,” Sally was saying. “You can’t help her now. She’s on her way.” A hand touched Rae’s own, stealing smoothly over her fingers and gently lifting Aiden away. When Rae whimpered, those hands returned, this time filled only with kindness. “No Rae, let her go.” Shadow images moved around her, without features, washed of personality. No - she was the one moving. Being led. Her clothes were handed to her, and she changed into them automatically, to vague sounds of encouragement. Her body was functioning, checking pockets for belongings, smoothing the rumpled tails of her shirt into her pants, tightening her belt and lifting her hair from beneath the collar of her shirt. Everything automatic. She dropped the scrubs into the hamper, waited mutely while Sally opened the door, and walked out into the hallway… And stopped. “I have to…” What? What did she have to do? She was supposed to stay with Aiden, but they’d taken her, and she wasn’t sure where. For a moment Rae panicked, head lifting, eyes blinking clear as her nostrils flared, as though she could find their daughter by scent – an instinctive reflex she could no more fathom than the loss that threatened to crush her. “I…” “No Rae, you don’t need to do anything just yet,” Sally murmured softly. “Just take some time.” “I promised,” Rae disagreed. El had given her a task. A simple task: stay with Aiden… She took a step further into the hall, only to stop, unsure of direction. She needed help. She needed Elsa. El would know where Aiden had gone. El would know what to do… But Elsa was hurt. El had already told her to watch over Aiden and Aiden was gone… “Tell me what to do…” Rae whispered, closing her eyes. “I don’t know what to do…” --- The silence that descended on the ICU at night was far from restful, but after more than three weeks, El was used to the unease. In the beginning, she’d enacted a routine, one much like the one Rae had exhibited all those years before. Coffee and walking were large parts of that routine. The stars were missing tonight, their place taken by a dirty orange florescence and the infinite falling of fluffy white flakes that kissed El’s face and dusted her lashes. --- “What’s happening? Where have you been?” John came after her like a charging bull. Then he saw her face. “What have you done?” he demanded before turning to Sally to extend his rant. “This woman is a poser, a fake, she’s neither family nor friend and I demand she be kept from my daughter. She’s certainly not to be making decisions concerning her health or that of our grandchild…” Rae ignored him, ignored all of them, moving to the windows to watch the snow that had begun to fall, leaning into the window casement and letting it hold her up. She’d never felt so weary, so alone, and she wondered what El was feeling... How could she possibly know what it was to lose the child of your own body? As deeply as she loved, Rae could not imagine that. She knew she had no right even to try. She should have protected them. She should have done everything differently, been in front, seen what was hiding in the shadows… “Rae?” Oh God, no, not Tim… not now… But he stood by her side, waiting. He was here, he loved them. He deserved to know… “Aiden’s spine was crushed, sheared internally from the base of the skull,” Rae managed. Whether it was the clinical detachment, or the dead depths of despair in her tone, she didn’t know, but he moved away, and that alone made her feel less vulnerable. She went back to watching the snow fall. The silence lasted less than a heart beat. “Aiden?” It was the voice as much as the pain it held that brought Rae around, instinctively reacting to what so closely resembled Elsa’s voice, only to be repelled when she found Christine at her elbow. “Is that what you named her?” Chris asked, her face white, arms wrapped tightly around her middle in much the same way Elsa would when trying to hold herself together. Rae stared at her, gauged the sincerity of her distress. “Christine, get away from that slut!” Maureen’s demand cut through the noise of John’s continuing bluster as he tried to press some form of advantage against Sally. Rae watched the girl jump and obey, and turned back to the window; her interest in these people was minimal. So this is what it feels like to have a part of you die. The pain was sharp, growing, transforming into an ache of loss that might be blood, might be soul. She remained upright only by virtue of the wall, and her heart continued beating merely out of habit, and responsibility to Elsa. --- She buried her hands in the pockets of Rae’s navy peacoat and shrugged deeper into the collar as she stood beneath the soft patter. There was no wind tonight; nothing to disturb the rapid drift of flakes. Her breath alone redirected many, casting them off in odd spirals of abandon to collide with their fellows and provide her with momentary amusement. --- They led her to El’s room in ICU just as the sun was beginning to lighten the south eastern sky, and her eyes scanned El’s body, unmoving beneath the sheets, noting the pallor of her skin, the crease of distress in her brow, the downturned bow of her lips… Without thinking, Rae took her hand, kissing El’s knuckles as she bent to whisper an “I love you” into El’s ear. Almost immediately El’s brow smoothed, and Rae laid a kiss in its stead. The staff came and went. El’s parents made brief forays into the ICU, John puffed up with indignation and anger aimed primarily at Rae, his fear so bright in his eyes it stole the bite of his rage. Maureen ignored Rae entirely, taking El’s other hand, praying vigorously to her God before going back to the waiting area and the solace of her husband’s company. A message from Tim said he would cover for her with work. The sun was high in the sky through the bank of windows when Rae blinked, lids scraping over dry, grief-etched eyes. She couldn’t recall where the night or morning had gone. She hadn’t let go of El’s hand, not once. Elsa didn’t seem to want to wake, and the staff were beginning to worry, so Rae used her name to draw her back, calling softly, her own heart subdued, too numb to muster any emotion beyond the need to see El’s eyes. They opened, blinked, and were slow to focus, but they found Rae’s face and Rae was able to watch as Elsa slowly returned to herself. A smile ghosted across El’s lips, only to fade as she read Rae’s expression. A long-fingered hand rose to brush tears from Rae’s cheeks, tears she’d not known had been there. Then came the understanding of what those tears must mean, and Rae wanted to deny what she knew was clear for El to see. But, with El, she just didn’t know how to lie. “I’m so sorry, baby,” Rae managed around the knot in her throat. Her heart hurt. There was no other way to describe her body’s reaction when El’s face crumpled into grief. Rae reached for Elsa, unsure, and tried desperately to understand when she turned away. --- Rae, never far from El’s thoughts, would love this, walking amid the muffled silence of deepening snow. So many nights like this had passed between them: soft, quiet nights, nights which seemed to string their life together like pearls, each one a gift. --- “I can’t do this any more Rae…” “Babe, we don’t need to talk about this right now… We’ve got time to…” “I mean us…” “What?” “You just let her go. You didn’t even try…” Elsa turned away, hugging a pillow close against her. Rae reached out for her, only to be rebuffed, Elsa barking her anger, telling her to leave and not come back; that she hated Rae, and hated herself… “No!” And then the nurses were there, and El was telling them Rae wasn’t to be allowed here anymore… And Rae felt the last of her heart die in her chest. --- She’d learned more in the last weeks than she ever wanted to of the caprice of survival. It gave her an odd new insight into how Rae viewed life, and her profession. Factors as mundane as the amount of air in Rae’s lungs, the refilling of the chambers of her heart, even the toothsome bite of the cold, had conspired together at just the right moments to buy Rae’s life back from the dominion of death. The thought humbled Elsa and bothered her in turn. Tim had had no such succession of chances. And Rae had yet to deal with that. --- She couldn’t stop shaking, nearly spilling the tea Tim handed her, before he took it away again. Glass had found its way into the knuckle of her left hand and she worried at it ineffectually. She was sure there were other shards of it on her clothes. She shouldn’t be sitting here at the table with glass on her - El would get angry, and with the baby she… No, that wasn’t a concern anymore, was it? And El couldn’t give a shit what she did at the moment… she’d made that clear. Rae didn’t know what to think of that - didn’t know what to think, period. She was running on nothing but loss and hatred right now, old companions she’d somehow lost her immunity to, and they were poisoning her soul. “You need to pull yourself together or you’re gonna lose everything, you know that, right?” Tim looked at her with measure of disdain, disappointed when she failed to react. He tried a different approach. “I heard what happened. Nurses like to talk, and right now they’re hoping you’re not as stupid as you look, because El’s hurting and she needs you, no matter what she said! God, don’t you know what grief does to people? Haven’t we seen it enough?” She hung her head, but didn’t answer. “That’s part of the problem though, isn’t it? You’re hurting too, and you don’t know what to do about it. You’ve never been good at dealing with feelings.” She let that pass as well, not even caring enough to look up. All she could hear was El’s voice, telling her to go away, to leave… “Damn it, Rae! She’s protecting herself – she’s just shutting down for a few hours to hide from all of this. You know that!” A nod escaped Rae, but tears had started too, and she wasn’t sure what they foretold. She swiped viciously at them, unwilling to cry in front of Tim. “Are you crying?” A note of discomfort entered his tone, and Rae flinched instinctively. He’d always looked up to her, but right now she didn’t have the resources to keep up the act. “Fuck you!” she choked out, starting to rise from her seat. She didn’t get far before she was shoved back into the seat and enveloped in a tight hug. The intimacy and caring in the touch nearly undid her, and after a moment’s hesitation she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight, finally letting her tears flow. He seemed unprepared for the intensity of her response, but he didn’t pull away, pulling her closer still and letting her bury her face against his shoulder as sobs wracked her body. “It’s gonna be okay Rae. It will. She loves you and she needs you to get through this. She just doesn’t have enough in her right now to let herself reach out.” Hoping he was right, knowing he was right, he spoke with conviction, letting the soft brown silk of her hair catch in the stubble of his cheeks and jaw, drawing in a long breath of the scent she wore for Elsa. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d seen her allow herself the luxury of tears, and still have two digits left over. His heart ached for both of them, and he felt his own grief at what had happened find its way toward the surface. “God, Rae, I’m so sorry!” he whispered, blinking back the sudden welling of tears in his own eyes. “I don’t know what to do!” “Just breathe, okay? Isn’t that what you always tell me?” he pointed out. “So long as you’re breathing, you’re winning, right? Well just breathe, and let it all fall into place on its own for a bit. OK?” “There are things I should be doing…” “Not yet there aren’t, and you don’t have to do them alone. I’ll help. Let me help.” She managed a nod, just barely. Her entire body shuddered with the effort to pull herself back into balance, to allow herself to accept the physical support, without attenuating any of the emotional reserve he offered. After El, Tim was the only person she would or could allow herself to lean on, and she realized at last that she needed to do so now, or she would fall into something she might not survive. Rae cleared her nose with a sniff, and then took a long drink of hot tea. It tasted odd, but she figured that was because Tim had never really learned to make a proper cup of tea. The bourbon might have had something to do with it as well… She shot him a mock glare, and he grinned, a return, no matter how tenuous, to normalcy. “This tastes terrible.” “Shut up and drink your vitamins,” he ordered. Without further protest, she did as she was told and let the warmth of the bourbon settle into her, suffuse through her bones. Not having eaten all day sped the heat along, deepened its intent. She missed Elsa - desperately. She wanted nothing more than to climb the stairs and find her lover waiting, asleep, with their baby safe and growing inside… “I let her die…” she whispered, eyes steady on her hands as they wrapped her now empty mug. “What?” “That’s how El sees it. Instead of trying to save her, I just stood there and let her die.” “What did I just tell you about grief? The baby wasn’t going to live Rae.” He sounded a bit strangled as he said the words, but Rae didn’t notice. Her focus was solely on her mug, and the dreadful revelation in her mind’s eye. Rae was shaking her head slowly.
“If it had just been El who was hit and pinned,” she said slowly, “it would have been
Tim looked at her.
“What?” he asked. Rae’s stricken look made him almost fearful of the answer.
Everything stilled – time felt suspended as Rae prepared to voice her full admission, to state outright the completeness of her guilt.
“If I’d had to make a choice, I would have told them to save El. I’d have chosen her…”
As Rae studied Tm’s face, she saw his grief color as her own had when the reality of what had happened settled in.
Tim stared into his mug, letting go a deep, sighing breath as he concentrated on the thought forming slowly, resolutely, in his mind.
“Maybe…” he said at last, pausing while he fought to find the right words, “maybe that’s why Aiden was here.” He swallowed, and fell silent again.
Rae stared at him, incredulous.
“What?”
Tim looked up, and depiste the tears brimming in his eyes, fixed her with a look of quiet defiance.
“Maybe that’s why Aiden was here,” he repeated slowly. “Maybe, that was her destiny. Maybe, all along, she was here to protect El…”
“How the fuck do I accept that, Tim? How does Elsa?”
Tim shook his head.
“You never tell El,“ he whispered. “Not ever.” Not a suggestion, but a demand.
She glared at him, narrowly keeping herself from reaching out to grasp his shirtfront.
“Don’t you dare!”
Tim held his ground, daring her to elaborate.
“Don’t you dare presume to interject yourself into our relationship.”
“Jesus, Rae! Would you listen to yourself?!”
“I mean it Tim!” There was an edge to her voice he had never thought he’d hear directed toward him.
---
Taking a deep breath, she sneezed as a few flakes followed the air into her nostrils. She felt as though she were retracing Rae’s own steps, some strange atonement for what had happened so many years before.
It had been the tail end of winter when Rae had sought solitude on these same streets.
El remembered driving her away, not once or twice, but repeatedly, the quiet calm of Rae’s expression betrayed by the hurt in her eyes. She remembered hating herself for what she was doing, and not being able to stop.
And she remembered the first night she’d turned her back and left Rae with nothing.
---
That night, the worst night, Rae slept in the nursery, on the floor, curled in a ball, fitful and soaked with tears. Dawn found her drawn and feeling worse than dead. She moved on autopilot, packing clothing for El, pajamas and her robe. She brushed her teeth, drank water, and set out for the truck. She averted her eyes from the SHO. Turning onto the highway, she drove into the sun, and seventy miles later arrived in town. She stopped at the gift shop and bought roses, white and yellow, two dozen. She wrote on the card in a careless hand: Forgive me. I love you, tucked it between the stems, carrying the flowers in one hand and the suitcase in the other, each step a battle not to turn and run. Each step more and more empty…
The nurses smiled and nodded at her as she passed. No one tried to stop her, yet she hesitated outside the door to El’s room.
When she finally found the strength to knock, no sound came from inside. On an indrawn breath, Rae opened the door and walked in…
Elsa lay curled on the bed, weeping, her eyes lifting in surprise as Rae stepped through the door, and on seeing her, held out her arms, beseeching…
With no need for words or thought, everything but Elsa’s need disappeared, and Rae was by her side, gathering her in and holding her carefully, tenderly, and kissing her desperately, as though to prove she’d never ever let go…
“You came back.” Elsa could barely form the words, her throat tight with tears. “You came back.”
Well, yeah… The dry voice in Rae’s head was puzzled. El would need her clothes… and… “I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
But that wasn’t true, and they both knew it.
---
She shook the last of the snow from her shoulders and hair as she entered the elevators, intent on making short work of the trip back to Rae’s bedside. On the fourth floor she had to wait for the nurses to release the door to the ICU, and by then she’d shed the peacoat and was feeling the strange urgent pull that had shortened her walk increase.
Normally she would have taken time to talk with Walter just outside the room, but the sudden urge to be by Rae’s side refused to ease, and she stepped into the dimly-lit cubicle with barely a nod in his direction.
One look at the crease between Rae’s eyes and the position of her jaw told El all she needed to know. Tossing the coat over the back of the chair, she dropped the rail of the bed and settled a hip on the mattress as she lifted Rae’s hand to her lips. Then bending close to Rae’s left ear, she whispered softly. “I’m here, love. I love you.”
The crease disappeared from between Rae’s brows, her face relaxing into untroubled sleep.
Taking a moment to watch peace replace whatever had been in its stead, Elsa allowed herself the indulgence of tracing the bow of Rae’s lips with a light touch. The symmetry of Rae’s features was torn and battered, each interruption garish, even in the half light, but El saw only the woman she’d fallen in love with so endlessly through the years.
“That’s my girl,” she said softly. “Sleep now. I’m here.”
Chapter 19
Not quite dawn, the sky was taking on the steel grey that eased so slowly in to violet you could never quite capture the moment by eye. Rae lay on her back, Elsa’s longer body draped across her belly and hips, the soft breezes of Indian summer washing over their bare bodies. To the chorus of crickets in the grasses outside, Rae smoothed a hand along Elsa’s back, the skin warm with sleep, cool at the very surface only.
What an amazing feeling, to touch this woman and know they were in love; to accept this and relax into it after last night’s admissions.
Never, in all her life, had Rae foreseen this for herself. But then, nothing had been quite the same since she’d looked into those blue eyes and offered up her jacket.
Her fingers spread out, her hand pressing against El’s back, a small frown passing over her features as she felt the chill. El was slender, almost too slender, and Rae seemed always to be giving up clothing to cover her.
She supposed she should stumble around the bed to find the blankets and sheets, but that would mean waking El…
She glanced down along her torso, and smiled when she found blue eyes on her, watching.
“Morning,” Rae said softly.
Elsa reached up to smooth away a loose lock of Rae’s hair, and paused to trace her lips with a fingertip, giggling when Rae snuck the tip of her tongue out, just barely brushing the pad as it passed. “I feel wonderful.”
“I think so.” Rae agreed.
“You’re supposed to think that. You’re in love with me, remember?” Elsa’s hands were roaming, smoothing along the flat of Rae’s belly, and a soft, chaste kiss followed.
“Ahh, well that accounts for the fact I want to kiss you everywhere.”
“Are you always this horny?”
“Is that a problem?”
“No, you big goof! And don’t stop. Not ever, just…” The catch in El’s voice had Rae up and pulling her into a hug. Snagging the bedclothes with one hand, Rae swept them up over their bodies, and shifted so they were nestled close.
“C’mere. Now, what’s this about?” she asked softly, her words nearly lost in the thick blond of El’s hair.
Holding on tightly, hip to hip, Elsa dropped her face to Rae’s shoulder, and let out a self-deprecating sigh.
“PMS?”
Rae chuckled at that.
“Cramps?”
“No, just emotional.”
Rae kissed her neck and wrapped herself around Elsa, cuddling her close. “Gonna be an interesting life,” she said happily.
“I don’t want you to go anymore.” A brave statement, whispered on a sigh.
Smiling, Rae buried her face in El’s hair and murmured, “Maybe we should talk about that then.”
“Not now. I just want to be, for now.”
“And you want me to be here with you?”
“Yes”
“I can do that.” Snuggling up to Elsa’s back as Rae pressed her palms to El’s lower belly.
A sigh of relief rewarded her.
“You do have cramps,” Rae remarked.
“Yeah, I do.”
Kissing Elsa’s shoulder just once, Rae told her to close her eyes again, and when El complied, she dredged up a long forgotten lullaby, and sang until Elsa had relaxed into sleep.
---
“You’re full of it!” Rae grumbled, stretching her back before rolling her head on her shoulders to release some of the muscle strain from hours spent crouching over the cot.
“I’m just telling you what the old man said,” Tim chuckled, ignoring the cocked brow Rae shot his way at his description of their supervisor as ‘old’. Terry was two months younger than Rae. “Started dead, stayed dead, and they hauled her anyway…”
Tim had been the one to take the call, and had broken the news to Rae of the backup crew’s run. It was never a good thing when stuck on a transfer, to learn you’d lost out on catching a code or a major trauma. Transfers were milk runs. They brought in the money for the company, but they were boring as hell most of the time.
He put the rig into gear and eased it out onto the snow-filled lot, applying just enough weight to the accelerator to break the rear wheels loose and spin before he corrected, a maneuver which got him precisely the response he’d been aiming for - the glare from Rae which said “You are such a juvenile”.
“So, what ever happened to ‘we don’t haul dead bodies’?” he needled.
“It’s Christmas,” Rae stated quietly.
“Yeah…?” It had been for a few hours now.
Rae sighed and looked at him like he was a particularly slow juvenile. He loved that look, and she offered it up regularly. If he was lucky, he’d be able to pull it out of her at least three more times today before she figured out what he was doing. Rae was tired, and it was way more fun goading her when she was tired.
“Think about it, Junior. Granny kacks in the guest room on Christmas morning: little Jimmy and little Sally are standing there, horrified. You gonna tube, cannulate and shock Granny, then leave her there with busted ribs and tell the family too bad, so sad, call the funeral home? Or are you gonna haul her dead ass quickly - respectfully - outta there and tell ‘em later you did all you could but she passed on the way?”
Rae reached for the bag of supplies they always carried on transfers, pulled out a pair of hard candies, and pressed one into Tim’s palm.
“How we doing on diesel?”
He glanced at the gauge and winced. They’d bucked the wind and drifts the entire four hour trip, but still…
“We’re low.”
“Better diesel up before we leave town. And grab food. Want me to drive?”
She’d just had the patient from hell, a five hundred pound ex-head nurse whose aching back had swallowed every pillow and rolled sheet in the back of the rig, and whose internal thermostat demanded not only immediate and impossible temperature swings of the modules air conditioning units, but drove a temper that had crawled all over Rae like a bad smell. Even so, the drive out for Tim had been its own stress, in its own way much worse, and there was a reason policy had it that the duty was traded off.
“Maybe,” he acknowledged. “If you don’t mind?”
“Yeah, no problem.” She was glad he didn’t try to macho it out. She’d seen the roads, felt the wheels break loose again and again, and the winds try to rake them off into the ditches. “You did good getting us here.”
When Tim beamed back at her, she just shook her head and laughed.
“Rae?” he said after a moment.
“Yeah?”
“Would you have hauled?”
“I’m not gonna second guess Terry,” Rae sighed.
“Yeah, but, would you?” he persisted.
She knew he was asking as much as her cousin, now, as her partner, and she smiled.
“Yeah, I would’ve.”
“Me too.”
It was funny, how all those years of childhood friendship came rushing back, Rae thought. How the years of separation and the very different paths to get to this same place didn’t mean as much as the fact that they were both there.
“Why didn’t you go home for Christmas?” she asked quietly.
He shrugged and slowed for the stop light, the big diesel clattering as it sat waiting for green at an utterly deserted intersection.
“I wanted to spend it with you,” he said simply. No dissembling, no excuses or attempts at humor, just saying what he meant. “I actually like you, you know.”
“Mmm, you never were the bright one in the family,” she teased back, her smile warmer than the words.
“Bright enough to know you’re a better cook than Mom.”
She laughed at that, and tried not to let him see the tears in her eyes, looking out the window until she’d managed to blink them back.
“Love you too, you doofus!” she mumbled.
“Aww, shucks…” he said, in his very best Bullwinkle impression. It was a bad imitation, and he laughed when she shot him a look of quiet suffrage. When the light changed, the sound of the diesel changed pitch to cover his off key humming of “Jingle bells”, and the less-than-tolerant groan from Rae.
---
Soft lips settled on Rae’s, Elsa’s tongue tracing Rae’s upper lip, teeth teasing a second later at the lower.
“Merry Christmas,” El breathed, letting Rae taste mint and lime as she returned for a second kiss, this one demanding Rae’s participation. Rae certainly didn’t hesitate. This, she knew!
“Love you,” she said into El’s hair as her lover settled her head beneath Rae’s chin. “What’s wrong?”
Elsa sighed.
“I was sitting here thinking about our first Christmas together.”
Rae snorted, knowing there was a small smile on El’s face and hoping to widen it, though the cost of the back pressure in her sinuses made her realize she shouldn’t try that again for a while.
“Bad.”
“It was pretty bad, wasn’t it?” El admitted.
“Seafood murder.”
It had been the first of many stellar holidays with Elsa’s family. Maureen had learned of Rae’s shellfish allergy and promptly went on a crab and shrimp spree, each dish served with a broad, welcoming smile. It had been the crab butter on the turkey that had been the real kicker.
El made a strangled sound Rae interpreted as a cross between disgust and amusement. “You were so hopped up on Benadryl I thought you were gonna hum right out of your skin.”
“First bad.” Rae counted off the milestone. “You pail, me sick.” It had been about as romantic as a public colostomy.
“You know, she never used oysters or crab in that salad before.” El’s body stiffened as she spoke, a touch of anger revisiting with the memory.
“You never asked what I said to her before we left. Why is that?” Anger, years removed, had morphed into a kind of odd wistfulness.
Rae thought back for a moment, and was careful how she put her answer together, concentrating hard on the words.
“I took you home. What to ask?”
A smile lit El’s face which Rae couldn’t see, but knew was there.
They were quiet for a time, and Rae felt El settle in against her chest. Her ribs ached, but she’d be damned if she would move El so much as an inch.
“I dropped the presents off with the boys and little Rae on my way here,” El whispered.
The increase in the pace of Rae’s heart was evident on the monitors, and Elsa placed a kiss on Rae’s chin, knowing this had to be discussed, and that it would cost.
“They want to see you when we get you home. Little R gave me one of those sloppy open-mouthed kisses you always laugh at.” She watched as Rae swallowed, waiting. When nothing was forthcoming, she continued, “Donna’s not doing so well.”
---
Everywhere Rae moved, she felt those dark brown eyes on her, weighty with speculation and judgment. It made her feel like a bug under a glass, and her skin was beginning to itch.
Tim was oblivious, completely lost in his new-found world of domesticity. It wouldn’t have occurred to him to wonder why his new girlfriend was eyeing Rae with all the affection of a cement post.
“You do look alike.”
The declaration came out of nowhere, and Rae took the time to swallow her beer before searching for an answer that consisted of more than one syllable. She was still searching when Donna made another observation.
“I think it’s more than just the eyes. Your jaw line, your brow, even your mouth is similar.”
“Used to get mistaken for siblings all the time,” Rae supplied.
“So Tim said.” There was speculation in Donna’s tone, suspicion even.
Rae remained very still beneath that gaze, meeting it with a simple question of her own. ‘What do you care?’ Rae wondered if this one would be around long enough to make a difference with any conclusions she might draw, or out the door within a month? Still, she certainly was different from Tim’s usual fare. More quiet, more introspective, more there…
“I’m not going to hurt him, you know.”
Rae blinked.
Looking a bit uncomfortable now, Donna plunged on with what she needed to convey.
“He’s a good man, and I want a chance with him,” she said. “I’m not going to get that if you and I are at odds.”
The reality of that statement made Rae blink again, and she fought to keep her expression blank.
“You’re important to him,” Donna continued, “almost like you’re the only family that matters, and that means we need to find some common ground. Since we’re so different, I figure it will have to be him.”
Now this called for a re-assessment, and Rae realized, suddenly, that it might be important to get it right. She measured the unease in the soft brown eyes, and found it no greater nor more suspicious than what seemed normal for any woman having put herself out there to succeed or fail. She watched as those eyes slipped away at the squeal of a child, and saw them soften on finding Tim with three-year-old Damien on the lawn, playing with the dog.
Rae ran through what she knew of Donna, the oddities that made her unique: the way she seemed just a bit out of place until Tim looked at her, and then she lit up; the timidity that might just as easily be patient joy. Her voice was quiet, her stature slight. She had a circuitous way of approaching things, a hidden intellect which Rae had nearly missed behind the slow drawl of southern accent, and her own northern conceit.
The door from the house opened and El stepped out onto the deck, Donna’s eyes moving to follow her as she neared, then took a seat at Rae’s side. Six-year-old Mike dropped onto Donna’s lap and took a drink from her glass of tea.
“She didn’t scream or anything,” Mike stated with satisfaction.
Rae watched as Donna smiled indulgently and smoothed a hand through his hair before dropping a kiss to his head. When those brown eyes rose to take both Rae and El in, there was an openness within them that Rae had missed before, a kind of happiness, or perhaps parental doting.
“They’re… interesting…” Elsa put forward diplomatically. There was the slightest touch of green to El’s tone, and Rae shot her a look to make sure it was little more than the squeamishness she had expected. The weak smile she received in return was confirmation enough. Snakes, Rae thought, yuck!
“You didn’t take them out of their tanks, did you?” Donna’s question was aimed at her son, her tone mildly concerned and just a bit sharp.
“Aww Mom! Of course not!” Mike protested.
“Or unlatch the lids?”
He looked a bit more circumspect at that.
Rae felt El shudder against her side and guessed, trying to keep a smile from her face, even as she promised herself she wouldn’t be setting foot in that house again until every snake was accounted for.
She’d had the singular displeasure of waking on Tim’s couch to a narrow, shoulderless visitor held in mischievous hands. Mike had laughed his ass off at the sight of her transitioning from dead sleep to full flight in nothing but a camisole and panties. Rae was well aware of just how evil this particular six year old could be, despite his cherubic looks and happy demeanor.
“Mike!”
“I only wanted her to pet Samson!”
Samson, Rae had come to know, was a great warty bloated thing that supposedly bore the genetic traits of a frog, or perhaps a toad. El, shuddered again, and Rae felt fingers lace with her own.
“Go check the cage,” Donna commanded, laying a quick swat on his rear as the boy complied. “Sorry about that.” She smiled gently across the table.
Rae met those eyes and sighed. Snakes and amphibians aside, she was beginning to worry that this woman was the real thing for Tim, and worried even more that she was doomed to be the sacrificial aunt for a host of snake-loving boys.
---
Rae blinked a few times, trying to get the ice off her eyes, and when she turned her head to the right, she saw the slope that led up to the highway, and the chassis for the rig, crimped up like it had been folded in half. It looked naked without the module, and the rear axles were missing.
She blinked again. Why was the module not with the cab?
Something was swinging from the open throughway at the back. The truck looked odd, without the module, but she recognized it as the hatch they used to step through.
What was that?
She looked again and spotted Tim’s watch. It was a titanium affair, with the Swiss cross on it. Donna had given it to him, and the floppy braid of leather above it was just like the one Rae herself wore, made by Donna’s boys in Scouts. The bracelets were to keep them safe. The guys all thought it was very cute.
They didn’t seem to be working today…
---
“Ahem. Hello there!” Terry’s voice was strained, the brightness forced.
When El flinched and began to withdraw, Rae held her still.
“Stay,” she whispered, waiting for El to relax into her arms.
“Baby, he’s not comfortable, it’s not right,” El whispered gently.
The sudden rush of anger roared through Rae’s blood like a wave, and she didn’t even try to understand, control too slow to lessen the sharp edge her voice took on.
“Too bad.”
Terry must’ve heard. He chuckled uncomfortably, but he pulled up a chair on Rae’s other side and settled in, his aftershave telling Rae he was wearing good clothes for a change. The man was a walking advertisement for MedTrans, as well as an unapologetic opportunist. Bets were on that every bed in his house was clothed in sheets, blankets and pillows from the rigs, and that he and his wife had to sleep in twin beds just so he wouldn’t have to buy linen.
“Uh, how you feelin’, Irons?”
“Spiffy,” she spat out. “You?”
El’s hand tightened in warning. Rae didn’t exactly ignore the gentle reminder; she just couldn’t seem to stop the rush of rage that enveloped her. A second’s silent communication passed between El and Terry, and sensing it made Rae release El’s hand completely, and withdraw. If you don’t want to discomfit Terry, fine, let’s not! El recaptured her hand in a tight grip, but it did little to ease the flare of anger.
Terry, when he spoke, gave no sign of having noticed.
“I came by to wish you merry Christmas… and let you know how things are going back home. The crew has taken up a collection for Donna and the kids. I stopped in to see her yesterday. She wanted me to make sure I brought this…”
There was a rustling of fabric and nylon, and Rae pictured him in his duty jacket over a suit. She nearly jumped when he put something under her lame right hand where it rested against her belly. Smooth, square, wrapped in something that crinkled and bore a ribbon. Rae felt her throat tighten, and realized what he’d brought, realized how much it must have cost for Donna to make this simple, thoughtful gesture.
The sob that broke from her was strangled.
Elsa, mystified, reacted quickly and wrapped herself gently around Rae. When the tears didn’t end, she held on tighter, and promised again and again not to let go.
---
“Jesus! It’s been how many years? And you’re finally gonna do this?” Tim’s exaggerated incredulity was almost comical. “No wonder why you didn’t want to go to her parent’s house for Christmas!”
“Would you leave her alone!” Donna said. “She’s nervous enough the way it is!”
Lifting little Rae from Tim’s chest, Donna cooed the infant back to sleep in her arms, then bent to kiss Tim’s scruffy chin.
“And you better shave, or your chances of getting lucky tonight will be non-existent.” At that she turned and left the room.
Rae waited silently for him to return the jewelry case.
He stared at the piece, his brow wrinkled.
“How come you asked Donna to help pick this out and not me?”
“I needed a woman’s opinion. And you were asleep.”
He looked a bit hurt at that, and she snatched the box back, not glancing inside, her heart already pounding just with the knowledge it existed, and had purpose.
His gaze had moved to her now, and she glared at him.
“I need you to keep this for me so El doesn’t find it.”
“What are you so nervous for? You think she’s gonna say no?” He ran his hand through his thinning hair and sat up to swing his feet round to the floor.
“Bite me junior! Just say you won’t lose it, and don’t let El know, okay?”
He yawned and held out his hand, nodding.
She set the flat square box in the palm of his hand, and tried not to think too much.
“I’ll get it on Christmas. And you better get something just as good for Donna. She has to put up with you!”
The look on his face was first puzzled, then a bit stunned.
“She knows how much you spent, doesn’t she?” he finally asked, with a groan.
Feed the Scribbler: feral@e-scribblers.com. |
AC :: Alex Tryst :: Ali Vali :: AndiM :: Athenian Bard :: Beth Goodman :: BluDreamscape :: C R Long :: Charmed :: dabkey :: Daemon Rider :: Dani :: Emyster :: Feral :: Insane Englishwoman :: J Rosestar :: Joan Arling :: Jove Belle :: Katia N Ruiz :: Kris Grossman :: Lucky Charms :: Lynnie G :: midnitefire :: Minerva :: Muzza :: Outlander :: Professor :: S Berry :: S Lee :: Strongsouljah :: Texas Hottie :: Twila :: Uncaged Amazon
Ummm...need something?
Contact the webmistress. She's ever so helpful.
