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Chapter 6Disclaimers: This piece is based in the world of Emergency Medical Services and the ICU. Ultimately, however, it’s people who make life what it is, and sometimes living is darned hard work. Sometimes you actually have to choose to live, and how you will spend the life you own. Ceiling. White tiles with black dots. Black stars on a golden grid. Sometimes the stars were close, sometimes they were washed out and blurred, and she couldn’t seem to distinguish them. They were always boring She rolled her eyes to piece together a view, her vision oddly cropped, as though someone had closed the shutters on a window, but forgotten to latch them. Walls, painted soft beige, a large heavy curtain running in a track… She turned her head to see. Beyond was glass, leading out into a hallway. She knew this place. She heard someone move, and swung her head and eyes to the left to try and see, despite the lance of nausea and pain. “Oh God.” The voice was choked, skeletal, compared with her memories of rich, clear intonation. Even so, she recognized it before her eyes managed a wavering lock on the blonde lunging toward her from near the window a few feet away. Elsa. El looked like hell, the blond hair held back in a ponytail was dark with neglect, and there were hollows under swollen bloodshot eyes. She was crying so hard her nose was running. Rae tried to lift her hand to wipe away the tears, but found herself too weak to do more than move her fingers. El seemed to understand though, taking her hand and bringing it to her lips, kissing Rae’s knuckles before burying her face in Rae’s palm, her tears welling through fingers, limning the lines of Rae’s palm in relief. “H…” Rae coughed and struggled to clear her throat. Trying again, she felt something unnatural rumbling in her chest. “Hey.” “Don’t talk, hon. You pulled out your ET tube last night and your vocal cords are swollen.” El’s fingers skipped along the left side of her face, thumb tracing her lips. “Let me get you some lip stuff, okay?” Blinking, Rae waited as Elsa smeared emollient on her lips. Why did El look so haggard? Something was wrong, something important. “S-s-sorry.” Whatever it was, it was hurting El, and Rae need to fix it. She watched El’s brows contract, then smooth with that look of patient indulgence Rae knew so well. This was her look, the one that El gave only her – excluding the rest of the world. El didn’t have to say it, and Rae didn’t have a clue what triggered it, but she knew it – El was completely in love with her. A hand smoothed through her hair, and the look on El’s face deepened. “Don’t leave me. Just focus on that, okay?” And suddenly she was crying again, holding herself up by the bedrail, shaking, as she hid her face in their clasped hands. “D-d-dn cry.” “I’m crying, and you’re gonna have to deal,” El said with a ferocity Rae hadn’t expected, and which El didn’t have the resources to hide. “Christ, Rae! It’s cry, or I do handsprings down the corridor and kiss all the nurses!” Rae could feel her face rearrange itself in something like a scowl. Nurses? Did El want to kiss nurses? That was her job… not the nurses, but the El-kissing thing… The edge left El’s aspect as suddenly as it had appeared and a moment later El was bent over her, forehead to forehead. “You’ve been hurt really badly.” Her rich round tones were pinched into a hoarse whisper. “Really badly. I almost lost you, and I…” El’s voice broke and she tightened the clasp they shared, her forehead damp with effort as she fought to regain control. “I’m really, really glad you’re here.” Hurt? She was hurt – hurt bad…? Rae tried to put that together in her head along with El’s tears and something about stars. There were mice too… and the number 42. No, that was a book… “You don’t remember do you?” El read her expression, recognizing Rae’s confusion, and she placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “It’s okay, it’ll come. Give it time,” she soothed. “What?” …was what Rae had intended to say, but the word came out mostly as a croak. Fingers touched her lips to hush her, their pressure less than a feather, but so tellingly sweet that Rae found herself suddenly close to tears. Her throat burned and her palate stung and something in the way her face seemed to set beneath the tears told her she was maybe in trouble. El was shaking her head. “No, baby, don’t you cry too. You’re here with me. You’re here.” She was saying it as though she was convincing herself, breathing out a prayer. Rae had only heard El speak this way rarely; each time had raised the hair on her body in goose flesh. Her body reacted this time by breaking out in a sweat, a heavy flush firing her skin. The banks of monitors around the head of the bed began sounding alarms and Rae felt her heart skip a few beats. “Baby, relax.” El had looked up at the equipment to Rae’s right, then back to her, her expression of calm assurance as thin as tissue, yet still command showed where panic reigned. Curtain rings rattled and Elsa’s eyes darted off, Rae following carefully to find two women in scrubs moving toward the bed. “How long has she been awake, Elsa?” the shorter, older of the two asked. “A few minutes.” Elsa kissed Rae’s temple and stepped back to allow both nurses access. “She just started to blush and sweat a second ago.” She was standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed and wrapped around her stomach, watching with far too knowing an eye as the nurses went about tending Rae. There was experience in how Elsa gauged the monitors, in how her gaze took in all the standard accoutrements of the ICU, the standard indignities. How long have we been here? Jesus! Just how bad am I? Her attention was drawn to the cheerful patter of an experienced nurse, and Rae felt the thought slip away. “Well, good early morning to ya sweetheart, we’ve been laying bets on when you were going to join us this side of awake.” The older woman smiled easily, her sharp blue eyes darting efficiently over Rae. On the other side of her the younger woman was pressing a temperature probe to her ear and Rae found it difficult to follow both. “Little high right now. Let’s get these blankets off you and let you cool a bit.” The older of the two was watching Rae carefully. “Rae, look at me honey.” Rae turned her head and began to breathe off the sudden heat her body was generating. Where is Elsa? “You remember me, hon?” Rae’s brows knit in confusion. The woman’s voice seemed to recede, and something was distorting Rae’s perception. “Rae, honey, focus on my face.” Why the hell didn’t someone take care of those damned alarms? A touch focused her dwindling attention on Elsa, bent close beside her, voice low and desperate filling Rae’s head. “Don’t you dare leave me!” --- “I think this is a no-win situation.” El’s tone was clipped, precise, and unwavering. Privately, Rae agreed, but she wasn’t giving up yet. She put her back to the bumper and set her feet like anchors in deep snow – a dangerous position, given her plan. Watching, El’s voice picked up a note of alarm, and Rae could hear her hurrying out of the car and into the snow, bracing her hands on the doorframe to push as she caught the rhythm Rae had set, rocking the car forward, letting it roll back, rocking forward again… El had straightened the wheels, and didn’t bother now with the accelerator, not until there was some kind of good traction under the tires. They’d put down the salt and chicken grit they carried in the trunk, had scavenged gravel and twigs to form a double road for the front tires to grab once they got out of the rut in which the car had come to rest. Rae had shoveled and worked at clearing the undercarriage of the old SHO, refusing to let El crawl and reach under the car and wheels. They pushed and relaxed, pushed… until both sensed they’d hit that point of momentum that could carry the car beyond and forward and together they pressed hard to where El dropped into the drivers seat and slowly fed the accelerator, the big car rolling under its own power with Rae adding impetus, and finally driving out of the ditch onto the shoulder of the highway. Putting the car in neutral, El set the brake and got out, watching Rae make her way up out of the ditch with a fond smile. Wind whipped at the snow around them at Rae’s short hair and El’s longer blond. The dusty, sharp non-scent of polar cold no longer held the note of alarm it had moments ago. The car idled smoothly, the growl of the engine barely noticeable over the jet siphoning of the fan. Walking round the car, Rae settled her hands on El’s hips, her thumbs stroking over the lower, active bulge of their baby. “That was fun.” Elsa’s expression took on a touch of pique. “You do that again, and I’ll break your legs myself! That was a stupid risk.” “Yup. But it worked and we’re outta the ditch. Now let’s get you two home and into bed so I can ravish you.” She led El around the car, opened the passenger door and helped her into the seat, then kissed her as she fastened the seatbelt. “Yum.” She grinned when El’s face went blank. Closing El’s door, she walked back around and dropped behind the wheel. She was still fitting her own belt when El reached out to pull her in to a deep, slow kiss. “I don’t know how you do that, but don’t ever stop!” El whispered, kissing Rae’s nose then sitting primly back in her seat with a smile. “I believe we were headed home?” --- Falling. She was falling, the world scrolling past in a thin, fast, blurry ribbon. Rae tried to reach out, to grab at something, but there was nothing to grasp and the buzzing in her ears was growing louder. Distant, distorted vocalizations lost in the cycling scream of insects, stealing away what words might be hidden there, incomprehensible, robbed of meaning. The ribbon thinned, flickered yellow to red as the buzzing swelled and ebbed in a pattern as regular as a heartbeat. She tried to make sense of it, but found herself being pulled deeper into the increasing noise and confusion. --- “You’re gonna freeze.” Elsa’s tone was gruff, her anger still at a simmer, but her hands were gentle as she wrapped Rae’s jacket over her shoulders. “Not to impugn your inner child, hon, but couldn’t we play on the swings in summer instead of December?” Nonetheless, Elsa planted herself on the swing next to Rae and waited, giving Rae both access and space. It took time, but Rae eventually lifted her gaze to meet El’s, and a smile found its way onto her face as she watched Elsa stuff her hands under her coat arms, obviously freezing. “Why don’t you go back inside? I’ll be in soon.” Shivering briefly, Elsa shot her a dirty look. “Define ‘soon’.” She allowed a shade of peevishness into her tone. “You’ve been out here for a half hour already.” Surprised, Rae looked up at the sky. The sun had moved at least a hand width. No wonder the jacket felt so good. “If you want to at least keep up the appearance of playing, it would work better if you actually swing, or go down the slide a few times.” El didn’t try being coy, she just led Rae where she wanted her to go. Rae tried a lame laugh, but the sound was brittle. She wanted to call it back. Elsa took the opening that brief crack in Rae’s armor offered. “We’re gonna fight, you know,” she said softly. At that, Rae did laugh, whole-heartedly. “Well, I’m glad you’ve made peace with it.” Just the slightest touch of something colored El’s tone, but the twist of wry humor was most evident. “I love you.” Rae laughed, letting her voice fill the clearing with joyous conviction, even as the cold tears glistened and evaporated on her face. She wanted to pull El to her and kiss the whole argument away, just get lost in Elsa until nothing else existed. She wanted… yet she remained on the swing, letting her words fill the spaces in the cold crystal light of day. Until Elsa acknowledged and understood. “Mmm,” Elsa nodded, needing understanding of her own. “Is that why you don’t fight back?” “I thought I did.” El’s smile was more sad than happy, her expression troubled. “I said some pretty awful things in there,” she began, pushing at the ground with a toe so the swing began a slow, brief arc. “I said things I didn’t even mean, just to hurt you.” The admission wasn’t an easy one, and she had to look away, the slanted shadows on the ground suddenly of great interest. When Rae remained silent, Elsa continued. “Arguing with you is like yelling at a wall. You take everything I throw at you and you just… stand there.” Frustration and shame colored her tone. Rae, puzzled, reacted more to the tone than the words. “Or go play on the swings?” she pointed out. El seemed to shrink, as though her behavior had belittled her self as surely as her words had belittled Rae. “I never should have said those things Rae. I don’t…” Enough of this! Rae stood, moving to take the chains of El’s swing in both hands, drawing El’s eyes to her own. “Don’t you think I know that?” El sighed in frustration. “I don’t want you to be a doormat, or a martyr Rae.” She bit at her bottom lip, knowing what she wanted to say, but not wanting to inflict any more hurt than she already had. “Sometimes I push you just to see if you care enough to push back,” she finally admitted. Brows drawn, Rae wasn’t sure she was hearing this right. Didn’t Elsa know she’d do anything for her, that she was so crazy in love with her she didn’t know which end was up half the time? She felt like she was losing her mind, feeling so much. It scared the shit out of her! “Care enough?” “About what happens to you, you big dope!” Elsa sighed. “You’re my whole world, Rae, and you let everyone, even me, walk all over you like you’re nothing!” she was crying again, but this time it made her mad, and she swiped at the tears in frustration. “You’re not a nothing! To me, you’re everything!” Rae blinked, trying to keep up. The original argument had been about a party, then they’d wandered into Rae’s antisocial leanings, now it had morphed again. Her head was starting to hurt. She looked at El as if she’d grown an extra head – a Linda-Blair-Exorcist kind of head. Silently she began counting out days of the month. Yep. “God your family did a number on you!” Elsa thrummed with annoyance again. “Just… Just take my word for it and say ‘no’ every once in awhile when people are treating you like scum, okay?” She looked up at Rae with hope, “and tell me when I’m being an absolute bitch. Don’t edit! Just… speak!” ‘Oh ho, no way in hell!’ Rae thought, but wisely kept to herself. Instead, she wracked her brain. This was some kind of puzzle, like those big maze things. All she had to do was navigate… ‘Don’t edit…’ She took a deep breath and blurted out the first thing that had come to mind when El had broached getting time off to go to her co-workers celebration. “I think Sharon’s a slut and she keeps coming on to me. I don’t want to go.” Tragedy averted, problem solved; no need to fend off Sharon and her bi-curious country club ‘friends’. “What?!” El came off the swing so fast she nearly knocked Rae on her ass. Uh oh… --- “Okay, let’s get her over on her side, careful of her ribs.” Hands positioned her with practiced ease, pillows strategically placed. When they rolled her, she groaned. “Rae, we’re just changing out the sheets and checking your back, hon.” ‘Fine’, she thought, ‘do it without me…’ and she opted out without bothering to wonder who the hell was touching her, or why. --- It was never good when 309 met them at the door. A good officer whose dislike for medical calls was well known, he was only found outside a scene that was particularly gruesome. Rae was suddenly glad it was her turn to drive. “She’s in the kitchen. Been there awhile. Be careful of the dog,” was all they got for a heads-up. Neither she nor Tim bothered to ask for more. Leaving the cot outside, Tim shouldered the “First in bag”. Rae carried the O2 and the long board. The stench of fermenting human waste hit them in a thick wave as they opened the door, a small terrier of dubious parentage on its heels. Tim said hello to the dog and continued on past, heading toward the kitchen and a kneeling 317 waiting near the sprawled body of his patient. Rae stopped long enough to coax the dog into being picked up and comforted as she took it to the nearest room with a door – a bedroom. “Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you momma. We’ll get some help for you too.” She set the dog on the floor just inside and closed the door gently on barking that seemed equal parts bravado and protest. She arrived in the kitchen as Tim went about his introductions and assessment, and started to move table and chairs so she could get the long board into position. Jake DePaul -317- found comfort in taking over for her, freeing her from the task so she could kneel near their patient and set up the O2. “I’m sorry, what?” Tim was asking. He’d bent, ear to her mouth, but wasn’t able to understand, he looked to Rae. “What’s her name?” she asked. “Adele,” both Tim and Jake chimed. Tucking her hair behind her ears and flipping her ball cap around, Rae bent close to Adele’s face and smiled gently. “Adele, I’m Tim’s partner on the ambulance. My name is Rae. What are you trying to say, hon? Sunken eyes of rheumy grey looked out of a face too thin and drawn. How long had this woman been here? “I soiled myself,” Adele whispered in shame. Rae, fully aware of the trail of fluids and waste she’d stepped over in her travels from the front room to the kitchen, already knew this. She had read the story of the last few days in that trail and the dog tracks that wandered through it as surely as if she had watched. Placing a nitrile-gloved hand to the side of Adele’s face, feeling the chill of her skin and its hunger for heat as her own palm cooled, Rae answered in a clear, soft voice, her eyes never leaving those of her patient. “We’ll take care of that. It’s okay. Adele, can you tell me where you hurt?” Tim had moved into Rae’s role for the moment, fitting a nasal cannula and getting the first set of vitals as Rae took over the responsibilities of patient care. “My legs.” Adele had walked her hand across the tiles and was gripping Rae’s wrist with what little strength she still had. “Do you remember falling?” Bird-brittle bones, ropey veins, and paper skin breaking down where she’d been forced to lie for so long in one position, Rae put those together with severe dehydration and the disparate length of Adele’s legs, and bet on at least a broken hip. “I tripped on the rug.” So no stroke so far… her blood must be like syrup by now. Her distal pulse was weak and rapid, and her veins flat. Rae looked up at Jake and asked him to get a medium c-collar from the starboard center compartment outside the rig, and the pillows and a sheet off the cot. “Best bring Billy with you, we’ll need to do a pretty careful lift.” Billy – 309 – would bitch, but he’d come back and help or look like a coward. He hated looking cowardly. “How’s her back?” she asked Tim. “Prominent kyphosis.” He answered as Rae pulled out an IV set and a 20 gauge cannula. It was protocol to do most IV’s en route, but she had time, and this woman needed fluids. “Pedal pulses are faint.” “Adele, do you have any history of heart problems, blood pressure? Anything medical that you can think of?” Rae began. When law enforcement returned, Billy made loud gagging noises at the stench, and Rae subtly brushed her hand through Adele’s hair and kept her hand at an angle to deafen and blind her for the brief instant it took her to shoot him a warning look. Tim was glaring at him, and the officer at least had the decency to shut up then, and just do his job. “Adele, this is gonna hurt. We’re going to lift you as carefully as we can but we have to move you.” She’d gotten her IV access first try, and was pushing saline as fast as the 20 g cannula would allow without blowing her patient’s veins. She held Adele’s gaze while she spoke, and watched the woman steel herself quietly. She wanted to give her something for pain, but Adele was hypovolemic, her medical history put pretty much everything in Rae’s arsenal out of bounds. They planned out the lift, practiced it twice until both Rae and Tim were sure both officers understood just how high a lift six inches was. As each placed his hands in position, Rae continued to keep Adele calm and with them. Tim had the c-spine, so he called the count. On “lift”, they moved her carefully to the long board. Rae positioned pillows and blocks to immobilize and cradle her without compromising her spine further. They kept her on her side, the kyphosis making normal loading intolerable. Adele weighed almost nothing in their hands. She made little more than a whimper throughout the move. When one of her thin, wasted hands fluttered toward Rae’s knee, Rae took it in her own, offering the simple humanity of her clasp before they started on the next step closer to the rig. Rae was always amazed by just how stoic some older women were. She hoped one day she’d exhibit that kind of dignity. --- The bright light lanced into her brain and she heard herself grunt. She tried to pull away, to turn from the assault of brilliance, and realized she was as weak as a kitten. She whimpered when the light went away. A man’s voice, deep and nearly lost in the distance droned in her ears, and someone – Elsa – was holding her hand. Rae slowly managed to turn toward where she knew El was, followed the link of their hands. She should have been able to catch El’s scent, but the room seemed steeped in Old Spice. The drone went on, and Rae sank gratefully back into oblivion. --- Rae realized she’d fallen in love late on a Tuesday night. Fallen, past tense; somewhere in the last couple of months, she’d missed the actual event. She was walking home across the park, heading toward her apartment over the law offices when the idea crystallized in her head, and she promptly went down on her knees and puked her guts out. The scent of El’s body was still on her hands as she swiped at the tears that always accompanied retching, and that smell triggered a shudder through her frame that had nothing to do with tossing her cookies. Why now? Sitting back on her heels and turning her face to the stars above, she took a moment to breathe, the screaming of cicadas filling the late night darkness. Why not now? It’s the way things were in life, right? Wander around like an underfed, unloved mutt most of your life, find the girl when you’re not even looking, and then when she makes it clear she wants something more than you’re giving – walk away? She’d gotten a mile, walking more and more slowly while the whole idea of what she was doing finally coalesced in her head. There had been a strange look on El’s face. Maybe it had been the poor lighting on the porch of El’s condo, or maybe just imagination, but Rae didn’t think so. Whatever, she didn’t seem to be able to shake it. Like a bad idea, that look just hung in there as her steps grew shorter and her way less sure. In the months she and El had been dating, she’d seen it only a few times, and each time it had driven her away. It had made her itch, like something was wiggling under her skin… no, deeper than that, under her muscles and along the channels of her bones. Now, here she was, her mind seeing El’s face with that look on it, and the taste of bile thick on her own tongue. And then the idea of not having that look aimed her way ever again suddenly made her bend forward in another bout of emesis. She had wondered, in idle moments, what it would be like finally to fall in love. Right now, it was a lot less pleasant than she had imagined. She made her way to the nearest water fountain and rinsed out her mouth, thankful for once her nose and sinuses had avoided joining the festivities. The heavy iron content of the water tasted sweet on her tongue and she spent time clearing as much of the acrid taste of vomit from her palate as she could without a toothbrush and paste. She took a deep breath and started walking again, paying little attention to where she was or what she was doing. Thick with trees and dark, the park crossed the valley where the Minnesota and the Deeping River joined. Further up, the Crow passed through as well, on its sinuous wander across the state. She loved this park, the granite buildings and the hollow echo of her boots across the sway-back bridge, so much history, both shameful and proud. There was a light wind tonight, and the rustling of the leaves reminded her of the rustling of crisp clean sheets and how smooth El’s legs were against the small of her back… Her stride had lengthened, her feet finding their way long before her brain had stopped wandering through its memories, and she found herself standing in front of El’s door, the echo of the doorbell swallowed by the darkness behind the windows. “I’m over here.” Rae jumped, her chest heaving. Had she been running? Her gaze swept through the shadows of the porch, and settled on the side step and the large bushes guarding a quiet figure sitting curled tightly against the sill. Without bothering to engage her brain, Rae stepped forward, a part of her mortified by how little will she seemed to have, how little control. “I…” El tilted her head to one side. The shadows were too thick for Rae to see her face clearly, but her posture screamed out the depth of her pain. “What took you so long?” El’s voice, that deep, rich voice, was thick with emotion and it drew Rae like a moth to flame. She was on her knees beside El, reaching for her hand, and her heart clenching as El’s fingers twined with hers. “I…” Rae blinked. “You’re crying?” she said, her mind unable to process a good reason why El would… “You really aren’t very bright, are you?” El asked on a broken laugh. Tears on her cheeks and chin caught the light of the streetlamp like silver stars. Rae swept them away with a gentle thumb. “No,” Rae admitted, feeling as if she’d failed both of them in some fundamental way. She was looking at everything she’d ever wanted, but she didn’t have a clue how to ask. “Yet you’re here,” El sniffed. “I’m supposed to be here,” Rae said simply. “Yeah, you are.” Tears started their downward track all over again, spilling from blue eyes washed pale in the minimal light. “Stay?” Rae nodded; her throat tight. “I love you.” And there it was. Her voice was gruff, unromantically drowned out by the singing cicadas and the buzz of mosquitoes. There were never mosquitoes in the movies, and the hero never sounded like a drowning duck either, but she sure did. Of course, she wasn’t much of a hero. Then she stopped thinking, because El was wearing ‘that look’ again, and she realized she had to focus on breathing, or she’d pass out. “Then hold me, you idiot.” It took no brain power at all to obey. --- Self awareness was slow to assert itself, and, lost in darkness with no sound, Rae’s first sensation was disorientation followed by raw, pore-opening fear. She had no memory of where she was, or how she’d gotten here. She lay for a long time, marinating in her own sweat, hoping to see through the murk or hear something that would render a clue. When nothing sifted through the filter of her senses, she tried to move. Pain tore through her head and back. She couldn’t feel her legs and she was barely able to move her head. Something bound her right arm to her side, and her left arm didn’t feel right. Why did it hurt to breathe? Her mind conjuring ghosts only an adult mind can know, she felt her throat close and knew she was close to sobs. One word made it past her lips, more a whimper than speech: the only prayer she knew. “El…?” Something creaked in the darkness and a hand, soft and familiar, took hers and held tight. “I’m right here, Rae. You’re safe love; we’re both safe.” El’s voice floated near her left ear, her hair drifted softly against Rae’s face. Something was over her eyes and it hurt straining to see through it. Still gripped by terror, Rae tried to swipe whatever it was away with her right hand and whimpered again when a feeling like splintered glass ripped through her shoulder, then her back. “No love, don’t try to move. You need to relax,” Elsa said quietly, her voice soothing, one of her hands combing through Rae’s hair. “Please baby. I’m here. I won’t let anything happen. Trust me.” “I’m sss…” A soft kiss caressed Rae’s ear and she felt the hand that had combed through her hair settle above her heart. It calmed her as surely as a skittish horse beneath the hands of its trainer. “You’re in the hospital Rae. Do you remember? There was an accident,” El said softly. The wheel of nightmares in Rae’s head kept rolling, and even as she tried to formulate an answer; that dreaded wheel bore her back down into darkness. Chapter 7 Rae looked down at her hands, square and battered with swollen knuckles and new stitches: useless. “They were just kids,” she said, tears sliding down her face, dropping to join the slush she’d tracked onto the polished linoleum of the corridor floor. “Kids!” Beside her, his body close enough to both draw and offer comfort, Tim sat knotted in his own grief. Staring at the wall across from them, melting snow on his boots, his parka worn like armor, he didn’t speak. There were no words yet, and no one to listen if he’d found any. Rae was lost in a fog of disbelief, rocking as she lifted her knees to her chest and made herself as small as possible. Her world felt impossibly frail, balancing on the precipice of her own undoing. She wanted El, needed her to keep her from falling into the chasm of lost faith, and realized when her muscles refused to obey, that she’d already fallen and nothing would be the same again. When her tears were no longer enough, Rae began to tremble, sobs wrenched from her throat to echo off the hard walls even though they were muffled by her knees. “Just kids…” --- She floated in darkness, bodiless, raw and lost. The harsh buzz of voices filled her head, pounding against her sensibilities and driving her deeper into the deep well where nothing could really touch her anymore: nothing but the places she’d already been and already suffered. --- The last of three birds lifted off just after nine a.m. and nearly collided with a news chopper not 100 feet off the deck of the hospital helipad. Autumn dead leaves in brown, yellow and flaming red whirled in the downdraft of the blades, chattering as though excited at this last whirl on the wind: zombie missiles of brittle laughter for the nearness of the miss. The town was buzzing with excitement, crowds drawn to the street to watch the ballet of barely-controlled insanity that spilled from what should have been quiet pre-morning hours. The aerial death dance was just another bit of excitement, one drama within another. Rae felt bruised, too tired to care about the crowds or the descending media. The mayor was holding a press conference on the green across the street, Terry standing beside him, Fire Chief, and the Chief of Police, all in their designated spots to form a suitable backdrop against the dying reds and fading yellows. In a rural town of only 6000 souls, last night was news. Hell, in New York, last night would have been news. Someone snapped a picture as she and Tim walked out of the ambulance bay toward 270. In their uniforms, they probably made good copy. Someone shouted out a question, someone else told them to smile. Rae felt a rush of rage she couldn’t deal with at the moment, and allowed her inner idiot to strangle it before it had time to influence her features. Chances were, no one could read anything on their faces anyway. Both wore shades against the morning glare and neither was prone to exaggerated expression. They climbed into the idling rig and shut out the cacophony. Tim put the rig in gear and the back-up alarms warned everyone to clear away. Rae didn’t care enough to wonder if they did. Photographers from the local paper had been the first on scene, getting in the way, ignoring the rigs and cruisers as they tried to move. One idiot had actually climbed onto the kick plate at the back of 270 and taken stills through the glass of the doors as the back-up alarm and the siren both fought for attention. If she hadn’t been so damned busy working to keep her patient viable, she’d have been tempted to pop the door and knock the fucking broad on her can so Damien could roll over her with the dualies. Instead, both she and Tim had warned Damien of the danger, and he had decided to put the bus in gear and roll over someone’s prized front lawn instead. Rae drew a modicum of satisfaction from seeing the plump and less-than-nimble photographer being summarily dismissed by the big boys from the networks out of the cities. Maybe it was the lime green pantsuit the bitch wore. “She looks like a deranged Jello mould,” sniped Tim, letting the weight and bulk of the rig idle forward, then using the air horn to clear the way. Rae considered his comment, and laughed. “Tragic, huh?” Her tone made it clear she felt no compassion. “Better call us back in service,” he prompted. She was about to key up the microphone when she heard Rogers, the lead on today’s primary crew, call all three trucks back in en masse. She clipped the handset back onto the head unit and looked around at the chaos. The four MDs who’d answered the “all call” page to the ER were trying to sneak out for showers before they went on rounds. The hospital administrator was striding across the green toward the press conference. Kids on bikes scooted through the cars parked and rolling on the now-opened street, and the usual mob of folks who lived adjacent to the hospital had pulled out lawn chairs to enjoy the spectacle. As often as they lost sleep because of sirens and the choppers, she couldn’t really blame them for getting comfortable. “Someone ought to be selling ice-cream,” Tim grumbled. They made their slow way to the gas station where corporate had an account. Two diesel pumps, three rigs: lovely. He parked the rig to be out of the way of 271 and yet still able to roll at a page, the habit so ingrained it was like breathing. Leaning back in the passenger seat, Rae tried to find room for her legs. The effort was wasted, the new cabs were so truncated that the passenger seat didn’t even adjust. Not two inches behind her head, separated by a steel bulkhead, the M tank was locked in its clamps, lines feeding the rest of the rig in happy capacity. She wondered if engineers thought all medics were munchkins. A few of the guys were so tall they would sprint to the rig so they could drive, just so their legs weren’t up under their chins. “I asked El to come with me to the cookout,” she said as she tried to reposition herself to keep her pager from digging into her right kidney. Consequently she missed the look of stunned silence that crossed Tim’s features. She sensed it, however, when he let a blast of air out of his lungs. “What?” she demanded, feeling prickly. “A couple of the guys might… um… talk. You know how they like to needle you.” Tim was looking out the window, watching a couple of teenaged girls in bikinis climb into the back seat of a beetle. “I’m bringing her as my date.” Rae eased the words out carefully, keeping a peripheral watch on his reaction. He didn’t give much away. “So, you’re going to come out to the crew?” There was a trace of worry in his voice, and he acted like a man poking at a sore tooth. His stake in this as her partner was high enough to merit the heads up. He’d kept her sexuality secret for over a year, and that meant he was being outed as a sympathizer. In Redneck USA, he might as well paint himself lavender. “That’s what you’re doing, right?” “I just…” Rae looked for a way to explain this and came up empty. “I just want her there. I want her with me, really with me,” she said at last. “You’re that damned serious? What’s it been, three months? Four?” “Yeah,” she fired back. “It’s that damned serious.” The question annoyed her. She didn’t like thinking of El as someone to hide. She wanted to be able to take her lover to a stupid picnic and not have it be some prompt for tongues to wag or be a political statement! “Okay, you want to do this like a smack to the ass, or should we ease the children into it with a few juicy hints?” He’d put his head back much the same as Rae had hers. When she didn’t answer, he took in her frown and shrugged. “Unless you want all the guys hittin’ on your girlfriend, you better have a plan.” “Why? Why do I need to plan something as simple as bringing my girl to a cookout with my co-workers?” She was pissed, but too exhausted to do more than growl. Tim began to tick off reasons on his fingers. “You have boobs, and this is still considered a guys gig, so that means you’re either a threat or a curiosity. You’re one hell of a medic, which breeds jealousy among some of your lesser, more heavily-browed peers.” Two fingers down, apparently two more and a thumb to go. “You’re not a bad lookin’ woman when you climb out of the monkey suit and clean up, so seeing you with another woman – a stunner, by the way – will inspire your Cro-Magnon co-workers to heights of girl-on-girl fantasy barely touched on up to now.” He batted his eyes and smiled like an old Farrah Fawcett poster. Rae felt mildly nauseated. “And last, you’ve been cruising under the radar for a long time. Not everyone is gonna be comfortable working with you and some are gonna be more than willing to look the other way next time things get ugly. You’re about to become the token dyke.” He lifted his hands as if he’d said it all, and went silent, his last word hanging in the air like an epithet. “As opposed to the token douche bag, like you?” she asked. At least he had the good grace to laugh. She ignored him. Rubbing her temples, she swallowed the sour fear his words brought up. There was nothing she could do about what anyone else might do or not do, so she turned her thoughts to bed and sleep and left Tim to think what he wanted. 271 had finished dieseling and Tim rolled 270 into the fueling station as Rae pulled the credit card from the tab on the keys. She dropped from the cab and strode inside, meeting up with Damien near the soda cooler. “Ever get the feeling everyone was watching you?” Damien asked quietly as he examined the selection. She figured he was hesitant to go up to the counter alone. With his looks and usual bravado, he was always on display, but youth meant he was still learning to cope with death, and that bought him some wiggle room on the ‘help me’ front. Rae grabbed a couple of Cokes and shot him a lopsided grin. “Oh, yeah.” He puffed himself up with ego. “I’m a magnet, I’m tellin’ ya!” he grinned back. As Rae turned, she bumped his shoulder with her own. “Shit magnet. That’s you all right.” The woman at the register looked eager to talk, and Rae decided the best way to thwart her attention was with silence. “Uh, which one is yours?” the cashier asked, looking out at the three rigs. Rae pointed. “You guys sure were busy this morning.” Rae closed her eyes until they were slits against the light and waited. “I heard the helicopters and there’s all sorts of rumors going around from the news people.” It was embarrassing to watch a full-grown woman so eager to pry. “Is it true a cop got shot and two people are dead?” When no answer was forthcoming she leaned closer to Rae and gaped. A jab to the ribs from Damien roused Rae and focused her attention again. The sudden danger of falling asleep on her feet was more real than she wanted to admit. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “Uh, seventy-eight thirteen,” the cashier prompted. She swiped the card designated for 270 and signed the screen with her medic number, then dropped a five dollar bill for the sodas, and waited for the change. The relative freedom on the outside of the station was filled with traffic sounds and the stench of diesel and gas. It should have been cooler this late in the year. It should’ve smelled better and felt cleaner than the stale stink of her own sweat and stench of trauma. I should be home in bed, asleep or better yet in El’s arms. She was starting to think “should” didn’t belong in her vocabulary. It made her feel whiney! Climbing into the cab, she groaned when her knees slammed the dash, and handed Tim his soda. “God I hate living in a fish bowl,” she grumbled. “Only gonna get worse!” Christ! He must’ve been chewing over her revelation. So why the hell did he sound so happy about it. Rae stuffed that question in an appropriate file for later consideration. “Fuck you!” “Just sayin’.” He bowed his head and held up his hands in obeisance. She wondered briefly if it was worth the effort to stuff him into the wash at work, then decided he’d just make too much noise and there’d be paperwork. “I didn’t mean to piss on your parade,” he offered by way of apology as he shifted the truck into gear and eased into traffic. “You think I’m an idiot?” The question was moot. His say in her life was limited. She knew him though, knew how he thought. She might as well save him some time. “Actually, I’m thinking maybe for the first time you’re not,” he said. When she looked at him in confusion he gave her a wide grin and batted his eyes in a lame imitation of Scarlett O’Hara. “I think you’re in luuuuuuuv!” he sang. The only thing stopping her from shaking her soda and spraying him was the effort it would take to clean the cab. “You’re so sad, living your life through other people.” “Ah ha! I notice the lack of denial!” The dope was actually bouncing up and down in the driver’s seat, waiting for the light to change. “You’ve been holding out on me” Again the sing-song voice. “I thought you looked less tense!” “It’s green.” She pointed to the light. Still grinning triumphantly, Tim continued, “You, you… with Elsa, like… naked and stuff? And you didn’t tell me! I’m sooooo disappointed in you.” Finally rolling with the flow of traffic, he steered the rig toward the barn even as he kept up a constant flow of chatter. “I knew you two were gonna hook up. I bet she had to make the first move… So, how was it? Did you remember where everything is? You didn’t have cobwebs or anything in there did ya?” And then, because Rae stayed silent, and he was on a roll, “Is she a screamer?” Gritting her teeth, Rae promised herself she wouldn’t kill him until after they were done re-stocking the truck. Then it’d be open season. “Would you, please, just shut the fuck up!” “They can’t fire you. You know that, right?” He turned unexpectedly serious again, and Rae realized suddenly that he’d been thinking this particular point over for some time. “What?” “It’s discrimination. They can’t fire you just for being gay, and they can’t single you out,” he said solemnly. “Your record is great and corporate loves to look like they’re progressive. I don’t think Terry or Bill will even blink. They like ya.” Rae shot him a look. “I’m just sayin’, that the only trouble you’re gonna have is with the guys, and I’ve got your back, okay?” “I’m too tired for this,” she groaned. “Yeah, that’s why you brought it up and all.” She flipped him off, laying her head back and closing her eyes. He chuckled, then caught sight of something as they drew near the barn. His chuckle turned into a low whistle. “Damn she’s gorgeous.” Rae shifted in her seat and looked forward, puzzled, until her gaze fell on the tall blonde waiting impatiently by the mountain bike parked beside Rae’s car. “Nice ass,” Tim teased as he pulled onto the apron and came to a stop. “Go on Tiger, go get her.” Rae shot him a warning look as she unlatched her seat belt and dropped from the cab. She heard the diesel change pitch as Tim powered it forward into a three point before backing into the bay, but her attention was on Elsa as they moved toward one another. Rogers and Jones had been on their way over, but suddenly stopped when it became clear the blonde was neither lost nor cruising. They had a clear view of El slowing to offer a relieved smile as Rae neared, and how her expression changed to one of surprise as Rae kept moving right into her personal space. If there had been any speculation, it was utterly confirmed when Rae took El into her arms and soundly kissed her. “Hi.” Elsa pressed her forehead to Rae’s, and simply allowed the sense of relief to soak in. There was nothing else, not the eyes that were locked on the two of them in open astonishment, nor the roar of traffic; just Rae here in her arms. The honking of an air horn as the last of the rigs pulled onto the apron of the barn shocked Elsa back to reality, made her begin to pull away, only to feel Rae’s arms gently tighten. They shared a look, and the certainty Elsa saw in Rae’s eyes calmed her. She could feel the strength of Rae’s frame radiate into her, vitality as undeniable as the warmth of sunshine and just as sure. As touch and heat and weight lent their magic reassurance, eye to eye she sorted a parade of fears and set each to rest as Rae calmly watched and waited. “Is it okay for me to hate your job and still be in love with you?” Elsa smoothed one hand down to the small of Rae’s back, pulling her closer still. She didn’t care who was watching, didn’t care what anyone thought. She just wanted what she had when she was in Rae’s arms. Gunshots, chaos, rumors of gunfire at the scene and dead… all had shaken her more than she’d been prepared to admit. Rae chuckled, “You hate my job?” “Today I do.” El whispered, moving her face to hide in the saddle of Rae’s shoulder where she felt protected, the fears that had driven her here held at bay. Rae smiled as she lifted her chin for Elsa to burrow even closer. “Me too,” she admitted, “but then there’s always tomorrow.” She kissed Elsa’s ear. “Is this going to be a problem?” In answer to everything Rae’s question might encompass, Elsa said simply, “No.” “You sure?” “Just promise we’ll weather all of this together and not let any of it tear us apart, and I’m good to go,” El murmured. She could still catch the faintest scent of starch in Rae’s shirt, beneath the heavier tones of sweat and fear. She’d never thought fear had a scent until Rae had pointed it out, and smelling it on both herself and her lover was humbling. “Promise,” Rae vowed. A heartbeat passed, shared between them. “So do I,” Elsa answered.
--- Hands. Hands on her body, holding her down. “No, please, don’t!” El’s voice, laced with fear, keying something already raging through Rae as she tried to reach out for her lover. She couldn’t see. Her eyes were open but she couldn’t see! “El!” “Please, no!” Pain tore through her, ripping at her muscles, screaming through her head. “No!” El’s cry was bleak with loss. Rae arched against the hands, grasping at whatever was holding her back, blocking her way to Elsa. She found what felt like a wrist and locked onto it. There, a pressure point… A woman screamed, and suddenly El was with her; holding her other hand, asking her to stop, to “Please stop – please…”
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